Codependents react to just about anything, everything, and anyone.
We are hypervigilant and live in fear of having our 'not good enough' nerve pounced on.
At our core, we feel abandoned, powerless, and as if we are broken. We have spent our lives trying to figure out how to fawn enough, shut up enough, do enough, cater enough, but nothing has offered us the feeling of love we have chased after.
We live on the edge and in fear of feeling further abandoned but we do not realize, in every interaction, and every time we react, we are recycling our initial abandonment.
As codependents we react to our emotions and the emotions of others; we react to what people do and don't do, and struggle to stay in our bodies, process our feelings and stay grounded in our own God Self Energy.
Our ego-mind has been in control for far too long, and only when we become disciplined enough to our inner self, can we hope to be less reactive to those things, people, situations and circumstances that brew outside...
So much chaos happens inside the mind, body, and soul of a child when they are shamed for having emotions or negative reactions to how someone treats them.
When a child is shamed, they are forced to detach from the wound that caused their emotional reaction.
When they notice that mother or father, teacher, or some other authority is displeased with their emotional reaction, they let go of the very experience that has wounded them, in fear of further abandonment.
The unexperienced experience sits and rots over time. It never goes away.
Shaming a child causes them to detach and dissociate from the very essence of themselves that is necessary to help them navigate their lives in the directions of their fullest potential.
When a child is shamed, they are denied access to this potential and often, it is not until after much chaos in the adult life does this wounded inner child ever scream loud enough to be heard.
Shame forces the inner child to detach from the wonder that they are.
This post is for anyone who is dating, living, or working with someone who has an arrogant, intellectual air about them, who finds ways to put them down. This post is for anyone who has to deal with someone who behaves as if they are supremely more intelligent than others and who MUST find ways to tell the world how amazingly brilliant they are and often at your expense.
Not all narcissists are unintelligent sociopaths. Some of them in fact, are the brightest minds on earth. When we are dealing with an intellectual or cerebral narcissist, it can be even more challenging to hold onto the self because they have such a wonderful command of language.
In the end, consider how people make you feel.
If someone respects and loves you--you'll know it.
If someone is trying to make you feel bad so they can feel good--you'll know that too.
Drop into your heart space and ask yourself, "How does this person make me feel?" and then, listen.
Don't let any little smarty pants make you feel bad about...
As children, many of us who experienced emotional neglect spent our days fantasizing about the perfect person who would rescue us from our toxic homes. We relied on these fantasies to help us get through a day, however, there are very real consequences to whimsical thinking.
While we were still unaware we were unaware, our brains and minds became attuned to thinking and believing in relationship dynamics that were built upon pain, immaturity, and fantasy.
Although imagining being rescued or being the rescuer helped to fill our depressed brains with fuzzy warm feeling hormones like oxytocin, on a very deep level, we were developing beliefs about how life should be.
As healing codependent adults, we need to be very careful about the way we perceive ourselves, others, and relationships.
We need to ask ourselves;
"Have I idealized this person and now, as the honeymoon period wears off, am I blaming this person for NOT sizing up to the fantasy version of this person I talked myself into...
Many people ask me about how to set boundaries. I am asked things like,
"How can I set a clear boundary with my mother-in-law?"
"How can I set a boundary with my children?"
"How can I set a boundary with my mother?"
The thing is, you cannot serve two masters.
Dear One, you HAVE to DECIDE. Will you serve others’s happiness or your OWN?
Will you serve to PLEASE others or will you learn to live to please your SELF?
Will you cater to the needs of OTHERS or will you learn to cater to your OWN needs?
Boundaries are misunderstood. Many of us think of boundaries and see lines in the sand or clear lines of demarcation. When we think of boundaries we see stop signs in our heads and sometimes feel this tightness in our chest. We associate boundaries with being tough and strong--and yet--boundaries are about being open, honest, kind, authentic and real.
You know that electric surge you feel go up to your spine when someone does something that ticks you off, or what about that tight feeling in...
Codependents are wounded and suffer from abandonment. We do not feel good enough and find ourselves tirelessly attending to the needs of others.
We do this to help us avoid our internal shame.
We do this in the hopes of gaining approval.
We do this to avoid feeling our own anxiety.
We do this to flee from our internal reality.
As children, we loved until it hurt only to discover no matter how deep we loved, it was not enough to gain the connections we needed.
Perhaps our parents were impossible to please.
Perhaps they were aloof.
Perhaps our parents were lost inside their own drama and trauma.
Perhaps our parents were immature.
Perhaps our parents were narcissistic.
Perhaps our parents were abusive.
Perhaps our parents were perfectionists.
Whatever the case, if you grew up feeling invisible chances are codependency has found its way into your thinking process and that is NOT your fault.
As we heal, Amy the amygdala learns to relax.
As we heal, the more logical parts of our brain come back online.
For years I ignored my body, my emotions, my spiritual, emotional, and mental self. I was unaware I was a reactive being and enmeshed with those around me. My moods, thoughts, and actions were the effects, and other people's moods, thoughts and actions were the cause.
Codependency recovery requires detachment and this process is anything but pleasant, easy, or quick.
Codependents struggle with knowing who they are.
We struggle with our identity and often tie our sense of self to how well we are able to gain validation and acceptance from others.
Our behaviors are co-dependent, reactive, and dependent upon how well we serve others. And when we do for others and fail to have others treat us as we unconsciously expected, our deepest abandonment wounds are triggered.
Our relationships are co-dependent and we fail to make ourselves a priority.
These days, I respect certain Codependency Commandments and I especially appreciate the importance of respecting my divine body.
I hope you are learning...
Empaths must use boundaries to help them protect the energies of those who can drain their energy. Empaths with codependency can lose themselves in over-empathizing with others who are in pain. This makes empaths targets for those with high narcissistic traits.
Codependents and empaths are targets for narcissists and sociopaths because they are compassionate, caring, understanding, and have a great desire to understand other’s pain. When you are someone who cannot help but feel other’s pain, it is sometimes impossible to be able to know what you feel. Add the need for a narcissist to have power over you, and it is not difficult to see how easily it can be to become lost inside very dark energies.
Without being able to use the spirit of discernment to your advantage, you may just keep attracting others whose agenda it is to control and abuse you.
LOVE and COMPASSION are SUPERPOWERS for EMPATHS. We have the RIGHT to honor our ability to FEEL what other people feel for...