As children, many of us who experienced emotional neglect spent our days fantasizing about the perfect person who would rescue us from our toxic homes. We relied on these fantasies to help us get through a day, however, there are very real consequences to whimsical thinking.
While we were still unaware we were unaware, our brains and minds became attuned to thinking and believing in relationship dynamics that were built upon pain, immaturity, and fantasy.
Although imagining being rescued or being the rescuer helped to fill our depressed brains with fuzzy warm feeling hormones like oxytocin, on a very deep level, we were developing beliefs about how life should be.
As healing codependent adults, we need to be very careful about the way we perceive ourselves, others, and relationships.
We need to ask ourselves;
"Have I idealized this person and now, as the honeymoon period wears off, am I blaming this person for NOT sizing up to the fantasy version of this person I talked myself into...
Many people ask me about how to set boundaries. I am asked things like,
"How can I set a clear boundary with my mother-in-law?"
"How can I set a boundary with my children?"
"How can I set a boundary with my mother?"
The thing is, you cannot serve two masters.
Dear One, you HAVE to DECIDE. Will you serve others’s happiness or your OWN?
Will you serve to PLEASE others or will you learn to live to please your SELF?
Will you cater to the needs of OTHERS or will you learn to cater to your OWN needs?
Boundaries are misunderstood. Many of us think of boundaries and see lines in the sand or clear lines of demarcation. When we think of boundaries we see stop signs in our heads and sometimes feel this tightness in our chest. We associate boundaries with being tough and strong--and yet--boundaries are about being open, honest, kind, authentic and real.
You know that electric surge you feel go up to your spine when someone does something that ticks you off, or what about that tight feeling in...
Codependents are wounded and suffer from abandonment. We do not feel good enough and find ourselves tirelessly attending to the needs of others.
We do this to help us avoid our internal shame.
We do this in the hopes of gaining approval.
We do this to avoid feeling our own anxiety.
We do this to flee from our internal reality.
As children, we loved until it hurt only to discover no matter how deep we loved, it was not enough to gain the connections we needed.
Perhaps our parents were impossible to please.
Perhaps they were aloof.
Perhaps our parents were lost inside their own drama and trauma.
Perhaps our parents were immature.
Perhaps our parents were narcissistic.
Perhaps our parents were abusive.
Perhaps our parents were perfectionists.
Whatever the case, if you grew up feeling invisible chances are codependency has found its way into your thinking process and that is NOT your fault.
As we heal, Amy the amygdala learns to relax.
As we heal, the more logical parts of our brain come back online.
For years I ignored my body, my emotions, my spiritual, emotional, and mental self. I was unaware I was a reactive being and enmeshed with those around me. My moods, thoughts, and actions were the effects, and other people's moods, thoughts and actions were the cause.
Codependency recovery requires detachment and this process is anything but pleasant, easy, or quick.
Codependents struggle with knowing who they are.
We struggle with our identity and often tie our sense of self to how well we are able to gain validation and acceptance from others.
Our behaviors are co-dependent, reactive, and dependent upon how well we serve others. And when we do for others and fail to have others treat us as we unconsciously expected, our deepest abandonment wounds are triggered.
Our relationships are co-dependent and we fail to make ourselves a priority.
These days, I respect certain Codependency Commandments and I especially appreciate the importance of respecting my divine body.
I hope you are learning...
Empaths must use boundaries to help them protect the energies of those who can drain their energy. Empaths with codependency can lose themselves in over-empathizing with others who are in pain. This makes empaths targets for those with high narcissistic traits.
Codependents and empaths are targets for narcissists and sociopaths because they are compassionate, caring, understanding, and have a great desire to understand other’s pain. When you are someone who cannot help but feel other’s pain, it is sometimes impossible to be able to know what you feel. Add the need for a narcissist to have power over you, and it is not difficult to see how easily it can be to become lost inside very dark energies.
Without being able to use the spirit of discernment to your advantage, you may just keep attracting others whose agenda it is to control and abuse you.
LOVE and COMPASSION are SUPERPOWERS for EMPATHS. We have the RIGHT to honor our ability to FEEL what other people feel for...
The moments we remember the most are the ones that have
defined us and helped shape who and what we become.
Our most painful moments are the ones that break us in some
way. They rip the world from beneath our feet and cause us to
feel like we are free floating in an abyss. We can become
terrified, arrested in fear and lose our sense of safety.
In my life, I have come to realize all those moments were
opportunities to let pain out and let love in. I have had many experiences break me more times than I’d like to recall, however, upon reflection, the moments that broke me were chances to become as tough as steel.
Every time my heart was broken, I had the opportunity to let go
of the fear that caused me to cling to something that did not
serve me, and learn to rely more on the love within.
Now I know that when I was breaking I was actually experiencing awakening.
If you struggle with codependency, you struggle with having a healthy autonomous identity.
When asked the question, "Who are you?" you answer according to your roles in society, or you describe yourself according to ideas that have shaped your perception of self. You speak in terms of what has happened to you or in terms of what role you think you play in the world or in your family.
You say things like;
I am a woman.
I am a man.
I am a father.
I am a mother.
I am a soccer coach.
I am a doctor.
I am a writer.
I am someone with a disability.
I am depressed.
I am anxious.
I am a bus driver.
I am an electrician.
I am a hairdresser.
I am the daughter of a narcissist.
I am the adult child of an alcoholic.
I am a sexual abuse survivor and so on...
While all of these statements might very well be true for you, the truth is, they do not describe who you are separate from what has happened to you or what role your culture or our very imperfect, still chaotic society has placed you into.
Many of us are still...