Why is It so Hard to Love the Self--Creating Self Esteem
by Lisa A. Romano
The HARDEST thing to do in life is to learn how to LOVE YOUR SELF!!!!
It is easy to love others because we don't know all of their flaws--like we know our own.
It is easy to love others--because it is easy to fantasize about the idea that someone else is totally freaking awesome--because we are not aware of their shadow side.
It is hard to love the self--because we know what our flaws are. We know what we look and smell like at 4 am. We know the way food gets stuck in our teeth. We know our hair and skin are thinning. We know we have cellulite and spider veins. We know our sisters, brother, mothers, fathers, and spouses have crappy opinions of us. We know we aren't always good with money. We know we sometimes scratch our asses and do the kinds of things that are socially unacceptable, like release a fart in public when no one is around. I mean come on--if you have ever farted in public you know the one you love has too. It's time to just get REAL!
Our brains are NOT aware of what other people do when they are alone--and so we cannot use that data to help us see others as equal to us; as humans with human traits.
We are subjective human beings when we are thinking about the self--and our brains are subjective about ALL that we know about the self, including the kind of very human, normal things we do, that most other people don't know we do.
This dynamic sets us up for romantic failure, love addiction, codependency, and even idolization!
We must learn to be more SELF ACCEPTING of ALL facets of ourselves, and ESPECIALLY of those facets of us that are the byproduct of unawareness. We have to also think more deliberately about the fact that everyone we know is just as human and imperfect as we are, no matter how hard they appear to be happy go lucky on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. We ALL have shit we have to bear! It is just that some of us are better at concealing truth than others.
That doesn't mean we make it our aim to seek sympathy or pity. It just means we are more willing to accept our humanness and the humanness of others and that our goal is to learn to accept what is--so we can get on with the business of loving ourselves no matter what is going on in our life, including those situations that arise that remind us that others don't approve of us. That's their stuff, not ours.
You don't have to admit you fart in public, pick your nose from time to time, or think a vengeful thought about the cranky cashier at Walmart, but you don't have to beat yourself up for being human either.
We weren't born with wings. We were born with egos, flesh, and a need to be and feel validated by our tribe, and so, when that goes array from the very beginning, we are grounded by the pangs of ego. We are stained with the idea that we are not enough and as a result, we experience shame with every breath.
Let's kick this notion in the face and then send it on its way with love and light--"Bye bye--ciao--see ya later alligator--get the hell out of here nonsense thinking!!!! BYE FELICIA" (whatever that means).
We are enough, we always were, even if we aren't always nice, polite, kind, and selfless. We are enough even if we have spider veins, pick our noses sometimes, and from time to time let one loose next to the clearance rack at Walmart. Yes, even those of us who go to church on Sunday, wear pink nail polish, and do what we can to appear prim and proper--have a shadow side--and damn Dear One--that's okay.
We may not have white feathery wings that shoot out of our back like those Victoria Secret models, BUT we DO have spiritual wings--and the only way to get those suckers flapping is to brush off the dirt called unnecessary guilt and shame first.
You CAN fly--but not without accepting ALL of you first--because ALL OF YOU has to go along for the ride!
I love you all!