May 24, 2018

8 Tell Tale Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist

by Lisa A. Romano

dating a narcissist signs your dating a narcissist

It is important to begin by saying that narcissists don't know they are narcissists.  This is crucial to understand. As you begin to question your relationship you will undoubtedly begin questioning the narcissist, and when you do you'll need to be prepared.  

1.) You are always wrong and they are always right.  Narcissists rely on an idealized version of themselves to relate to the outside world.  This fantasy version of themselves guards them from having to confront their own imperfections. Wounded to their core, narcissists rely on this idealized version as a form of protection.  When you dare to suggest that a narcissist might be wrong, they don't back down.  They are convinced you must be wrong and are unaware that a deeply ingrained, maladaptive defense mechanism is making it impossible for them to hear others. Making others wrong and rationalizing why others must be wrong, protects their fragile psyche from having to delve too deeply into their infected wounds.

2.) You never feel heard.  Remember, a true narcissist is not interested in hearing you.  Instead, they are interested in collecting people who they are able to convince to mirror back the idealized version of themselves.  Keeping up the illusion is the main agenda of the narcissist, instead of relating to you and making sure you feel heard. If you don't feel like the narcissist in your life knows you, hears you, or truly cares about you on an empathic level, you're right.

3.) You can never pin them down.  Someone who is narcissistic is very much like JELLO. You can't nail JELLO to a wall and you cannot hold a narcissist accountable.  If you make plans with a narcissist and they fail to show up, it will be because you did something wrong.  It won't be because they were inconsiderate.  Their reasoning will be related to their version of something you have done recently or in the past. Nothing adds up.

4.) Your relationship is full of self-doubt.  On some level you struggle with believing something is wrong with the way the narcissist is treating you, but because they are so good at convincing you that they are right and you are wrong, on an internal level you eventually begin to feel overwhelmed by self doubt. They are convinced you are wrong and you are not so sure you aren't.  

5.) There is never any sense of conflict resolution. When you are dating a narcissist conversations go round and round.  One smoke screen after another gets added to conversations and eventually you tap out of trying to resolve the original conflict just out of pure exhastion. 

6.) Rage and anger are their first responses to feeling challenged.  Narcissists must protect that idealized versions of themselves, so when you dare to confront them, their immediate reactions are rage, anger, and vehement emotional responses.  They must quickly annihilate your desire to challenge them and they prefer to incapacitate you quickly.  It lessens their chance of tapping into their own toxic pain.

7.) You are discareded easily and sometimes without warning. When you are no longer able to mirror back to a narcissist their ideaized version of themselves they will discard you like yesterday's news. Narcissists prefer bobble heads over level headed others.  Once you start asking too many inquisitive, confrontational questions, the narcissists quickly seeks out another source of narcissistic supply and begins to enter the discarding phase. Soon you will be called every name in the book, torn to your core, and left bewildered and numb.

8.) You feel like you are sleeping with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.  Narcissists tend to use charm and sexuality to gain trust when you first meet them. Overtime, however, their charm fades and criticism, sarcasm, and passive aggressive comments show up. You are no longer the kindest, sexiest woman they have ever met.  You have been reduced to someone who is clingy, paranoid, and insecure, or at least that is what they will tell you when you try to hold them accountable for flirting with the waitress.  Remember, it is always your fault you feel the way you do.

If you believe you are dating a narcissist, the sooner you understand their galvanized armor is rooted in delusional thinking, the easier it will be for you to cut all ties and find someone you can actually relate to on a healthy level.