Need to Be Needed
by Lisa A. Romano
Anger can be a double-edged sword and it is wise to respect this emotion.
Anger can imply our boundaries have been crossed and signal our bodies to take appropriate action.
1) We may need a boundary
2) We may need to leave a job
3) We may need to end a relationship
4) We may need to become more self-accountable
5) We may need to check our dependencies on others
6) We may need to take better care of ourselves
On the healing path, it is absolutely required to CHECK your SELF along the way. When we don't, we can get into more trouble than the job or the relationship we left behind.
Leaving one relationship and jumping into another is not the wisest thing to do.
Finding the neediest woman or man in the room, taking them home, feeding them chicken soup, buying them a new pair of shoes, giving them a place to sleep, and offering them a self-help book, doesn't work, especially when we are operating from the unconscious plane and delude ourselves by thinking our actions are healthy and altruistic.
Many codependents don't realize they are attracted to people they think will NEED them.
Codependents will play doctor, nurse, banker, financial advisor, boss, nutritionist, therapist, philosophy teacher, chauffeur, mommy, daddy, big sister, big brother and just about any other role to keep the OBJECT of their need-obsession close.
I know this to be true--because this was the way my brain operated for most of my life.
I needed to be needed because I did not believe I was worthy enough to be wanted.
YES, HELL YES--I was angry A LOT.
Because below the veil of consciousness I truly believed those I took care of should behave a certain way towards me--in other words--they should have adored me for being so kind to take care of their ass.
UGH--VOMIT ON ITS WAY UP!
My anger was valid.
I was being taken advantage of--BUT--it was 100% me who offered those I took care of a seat next to me on the Crazy Train.
BUT--rather than listen to my anger and check my freaking SELF--I clung, I begged, I cried, I resisted, I complained, and I imploded.
Today, I recognize that anger has to do with resistance to what is--and it can drive just about anyone over the edge.
Couple an immature ego who survives based on telling itself 'You are so good for taking care of people who refuse to take care of themselves. You are so smart--you know all about their life--and what they should do to fix it' with the feeling of being taking advantage of by the one you are trying to manipulate into needing you FOREVER so they never leave you--and you have one EXPLOSIVE dynamic headed your way.
The truth is, anger is awesome when we appreciate the signals it is trying to send to us.
The next time you get angry ask yourself,
- Who and what am I trying to control?
- Who am I trying to get to SEE or agree with me?
- Who and what am I perceiving as a threat?
- What notion, idea, or belief am I clinging to?
- What is my anger trying to tell me about myself and this particular situation?
- Or, you can stay angry.
BUT, be careful...the human brain MUST rationalize your emotions--so don't expect your life to get better if you don't open up to letting go. In fact, it will only get worse.
Have you settled for being needed rather than wanted?