Dear one, I am here to tell you that it is NOT your job to make other people happy - just like it is not their job to make you happy! You, just like everyone else, have the ability to make and keep yourselves happy.
You also do not have to agree with everyone you talk to. It is okay to have disagreements with someone and it is okay to not think the exact same way as another person. It is not okay to get reactive. if someone is passionately saying the sky is purple when you know it is blue, it is perfectly fine to say "okay, if thats how you feel" and walk away. Maybe even change the subject. This is setting a boundary with yourself; when someone disagrees with me, I will not feel the need to prove myself or force myself to agree with them - I will honor how I feel - and let myself think for myself.
Learning how to set boundaries is also about learning about why you do not know how to set boundaries. Learning how to love yourself is the first step in setting boundaries.
We have to keep this in mind. A narcissist is like speaking to a tree. A tree is convinced its a tree. But what if the tree was really a bush but the bush just thought it was a tree?
Some narcissists insist they are kind, wonderful human beings. They are unaware they are not trees--they are NOT kind and they are not LOVING. Instead they are self-absorbed and only exhibit kind and loving behaviors when it SUITS THEM.
They are only able to appear to be kind and loving when doing so helps make THEM look good.
Beware of the wolf in grandma's clothing, who smells like warm baked apple pie. They may have tears in their eyes, gifts in their arms and look like sheep, but before long, you'll begin to feel like you've got claws in your back.
The shy vulnerable narcissist is the person who uses a sob story to lure you into their lair of emotional doom! They will...
Many people ask me about how to set boundaries. I am asked things like,
"How can I set a clear boundary with my mother-in-law?"
"How can I set a boundary with my children?"
"How can I set a boundary with my mother?"
The thing is, you cannot serve two masters.
Dear One, you HAVE to DECIDE. Will you serve others’s happiness or your OWN?
Will you serve to PLEASE others or will you learn to live to please your SELF?
Will you cater to the needs of OTHERS or will you learn to cater to your OWN needs?
Boundaries are misunderstood. Many of us think of boundaries and see lines in the sand or clear lines of demarcation. When we think of boundaries we see stop signs in our heads and sometimes feel this tightness in our chest. We associate boundaries with being tough and strong--and yet--boundaries are about being open, honest, kind, authentic and real.
You know that electric surge you feel go up to your spine when someone does something that ticks you off, or what about that tight feeling in...
When we find ourselves raging, crying, yelling, screaming, whining, feeling sorry for ourselves, complaining about who did what, or who said what, we may not be aware that a boundary may have prevented the messy drama we end up having to navigate.
When we are feeling tired, overwhelmed, abandoned, exasperated, bewildered, tossed aside, perplexed, confused, and dazed by others lack of consideration, in those moments, we may not be entirely aware that a little ol' boundary could have prevented the sticky conundrum we have found ourselves in.
Life is a melting pot of who said what and who did what, and unless we are clearly defined as individuals, we will undoubtedly get mixed up in other people's cupcake mix.
Be honest, when have you found yourself raging, crying, or feeling sorry for yourself, and today now realize that all that you needed to do was HONOR how you felt--tell your TRUTH and set a BOUNDARY?
When have you DENIED your truth--turned a blind eye to what you really wanted...
It is probably one of the most emotionally challenging things to do as a human being who loves another human being. Setting boundaries with those we love can be difficult and anxiety provoking. So how do we know when we should set a boundary with someone we love?
It is certainly a complicated question and it has helped me to develop a certain protocol around boundary setting with people I love. It is not always fail proof, but having some type of concrete plan has helped me feel less anxious when put in a difficult spot by someone I care about.
My formula is fairly simple. If someone is talking poorly about me and not to me, that is something I generally brush off unless this person is someone who claims to love, honor and respect me. If I am spoken about poorly about someone who claims to care about me and our relationship, my general rule of thumb is to confront them personally, directly, and to let them know precisely how what I heard made me feel. If this person then reacts by...
Self love is the key to everything.
When we set boundaries we are loving the self.
When we forgive, we are loving the self.
When we refuse to shame the self, we are loving the self.
When we invest in the self, we are loving the self.
When we meditate, we are loving the self.
When we rest, we are loving the self.
When we say ‘NO’ we are loving the self.
And when we say ‘YES’ and we mean it—we are loving the self.
Self love is absolutely the key to everything but the foundation for self love is healing any idea that ever had us believing we were not enough.