When we are codependent we do not realize that our sense of balance, peace, safety, and identity is reliant upon someone or something outside of us.
We are 'attached' to the idea that someone or something or some experience is responsible for our happiness or unhappiness.
It could be our looks, our weight, our hair, our career, our standing in a church, community or organization -- it could be our relationship status -- it could be a spouse -- a child -- friends -- a boss -- coworker -- or a career we falsely presume is the source of our happiness or identity or our misery.
When we are codependent, our ideas are confused and our neural pathways are short. We do not realize we are children in adult bodies and suffering from decades of abandonment.
We are in the habit of abandoning the self, the inner child, our bodies, and stay stuck in loops of dysfunctional reactionary behavior.
We make other people our God or our executioner and we are unaware as to the power we hold within...
Before I finally accepted I was codependent, I rejected the label.
"Me, codependent? How could that be? I don't drink. My ex is not an alcoholic. We don't use drugs. This can't fit. I have a big mouth. I am intelligent. I can't be codependent. Something else must be going on."
When we are codependent we can reject labels because they make us uncomfortable. If our spouse is an alcoholic, we may feel uneasy accepting this label. If we struggle with alcohol we may struggle with admitting to ourselves we are powerless over alcohol.
When we are codependent and in relationships with troubled personalities, we struggle to accept the reality of our partner because of what it says about us.
"If my partner is an alcoholic, a gambler, a cheater, or a narcissist, what then does that mean about me?"
Codependency is a label that brings order to chaos. It helps a codependent see in...
Any adult child of an alcoholic or any adult child of an emotionally manipulative parent would tell you that the slightest conversation about the most mundane thing is enough to cause a total breakdown in communication with one of or both of their dysfunctional parents.
Whether it is a conversation about the weather, or about a news story on television, when trying to communicate with an alcoholic--or emotional manipulator--even the most simple conversation topics are enough to start what feels like a cold war.
Because non-alcoholics and non-emotionally manipulative people tend to communicate clearly--it is easy to become frustrated when attempting to converse with someone whose intent is 'not' to communicate clearly.
Anyone who has had the unpleasant experience of needing to speak to an alcoholic about a specific topic, with the intent to get to the bottom of some dynamic--will tell you that it is like trying to communicate with someone who speaks a different language. What boggles...
I was recently asked, "Why is it that drug addicts and alcoholics are attracted to me like a moth is to a flame? Why is it that I too, am attracted to people who are so self sabotaging? I don't get it. I confuse love with pity, and I am always thinking negative--like I don't deserve a nice guy or true happiness. Why?"
When I am in the company of a being who is distraught over their relationship, who is coming to the realization that they are the common denominator--I always feel as if I am watching a newborn baby being born. For as a being begins to see self--she/he is in the process of dissolving the illusions cast by the ego.
The ego is that part of our mind that served us when we were small children. It helped us understand our autonomy and separation from others. The ego of one man--is the ego of all men. It is the same psychological predisposition that causes a being to be blind to him/her own magnificent self.
When a child is not taught that who they are is enough--tall,...
There is nothing that upsets me or excites me more than an adult child of an alcoholic, or an adult child of a dysfunctional home who is on the cusp of being able to comprehend that he/she is NOT her thoughts.
When you are born to parents who cannot SEE you, who cannot HEAR you, who are unaware at how self absorbed they are--in relation to you--YOU never learn to be comfortable in your own skin. Because it is the absolute responsibility of the parent to instill within a child a sense of unconditional love and acceptance--children are not born knowing how to love self. In fact, children learn about their worth or lack of through their relationships with parents. If the parents are dysfunctional, then so will be the messages the child receives about self, others, the world, relationships and love.
As a Life Coach I have had to learn how to detach from the emotions that well up within me whenever a client opens up their heart and bestows me the honor of stepping inside their temple of...
If it is true that energy and matter can neither be created nor destroyed--then that means that at the exact moment of the Big Bang--all that would ever be--already was--and that includes you and me.
On my usual and routine hour long drive to work yesterday morning I was struck by the brilliance of the moon--as well as the thought above.
Along my road to emotional recovery there have been many times where I have wanted to dig my heels into the mud and exclaim, "This shit ain't fair, and somebody out there owes me." But as I continued along my journey I eventually pulled my wet emotional diapers off, and learned to accept that the world didn't owe me anything.
Although learning to let go of blaming others for why I felt so crappy was not an easy thing to do, in hindsight it was the most crucial step of my recovery. Standing in defiance of self reliance--never works out. Health is not possible without self responsibility as well as self accountability.
It still amazes me to ponder the...
For the bulk of my life I was confused about where I stood in relation to others. My very strict Roman Catholic upbringing had me feeling cursed from day one. Born a sinner I (or so I was told) my tiny soul felt as if love was something I needed to prove myself worthy of. On days when I hoped God was napping, I would allow my mind to wander.
"Is it my fault I am human?" I would wonder, hoping God could not hear my inner thoughts.
Back when I was a child, God, Jesus, Christ--you name it--was used against me like one would use a stun gun to control a being into line. I was taught to fear God like He was the boogie man. "God can hear your every thought and see your every move. You better have pure thoughts or God will punish you and you might go to hell when you die," I was told, in overt as well as covert ways.
The message was clear. Fear God, fear your parents, fear what others think of you, fear not being perfect, fear not being good enough, feel guilty because God sent His only Son...
When I was going through my recovery process, initially I attended 12 step programs to help me stay aware. At first I thought this was a really good idea, but the more meetings I attended the more I realized they were not for me.
Although I do firmly believe some people benefit tremendously from 12 step meetings, there are those of us who simply do not.
For all of you adult children of alcoholics, as well as grandchildren of alcoholics--and least we not forget our brothers and sisters who were born to 'dry' dysfunctional parents--this post is for you!
Coming Out Of The Closet
My mission in life is to bring as many ACoA's as well as any adult children of the dysfunctional who were born to emotional vampires--and were turned into zombies--by nonsensical parenting--out of the damn closet!
We have done nothing wrong!
Yes, certainly group meetings are intended to be safe places where attendees can share their laundry lists without the fear of other members spreading their personal...
On the road of my recovery there have been many mind bending obstacles I have had to learn to intellectually as well as emotionally conquer. Because healing codependency created through the programming my once blank slate of a mind once was as a child--as an adult--I had no way of truly grasping the fact that the thoughts and emotions I was reacting to as an adult--were dysfunctional.
When you are the pattern--you don't know you are the pattern. The ideas you had on Monday, are the same ideas you have on Tuesday--and on, and on, and on they go. As adults we ACoA's as well as all other adults born to dysfunctional parents--do not know that the ideas we have been fed, have infested our once innocent fertile minds with bullshit! No, because we have been taught to fear our emotions, we ignore our gut instincts, and often times become paralyzed emotionally because we are so terrified of unknowns.
As adults we become super sensitive and hyper vigilant because those of us who were bigger...
To ALL Adult Children Everywhere--I bless you--I honor you--I feel you--I hear you!
Your road is a lonely one.
The abuse you have tolerated in the dark moments of your life--have left scars that are invisible to the physical eye--yet you are scarred--bruised and battered nonetheless.
Born to beings who were supposed to nurture you--adore you--and support you--instead--you have been brainwashed, manipulated, beaten, criticized, shamed, guilted, humiliated, and worse--DENIED the right to feel or own any of the suffering that was created while being abused...WTF?
Forced to live in a state of disassociation--as a means to simply survive horrific childhood experiences--adult children of alcoholics are beaten in one moment--and then expected to 'act as if' the beating never occurred.
Adding maggots to the equation--adult children are often manipulated to live their lives not only denying their personal suffering--but they too--are forced to 'act as if' mom and dad are the most wonderful...