Its not easy to love someone who is choosing to hurt themselves. When the one we love is using alcohol, heroin or other forms of chemicals to escape the emotional and physical consequences of reality it is not difficult to identify what needs to get addressed. In the case of drug and or alcohol addiction it is obvious that dependency is the issue. In these cases, the family of the addicted has a place to turn. There are innumerable support groups for family members who are dealing with chemical dependent loved ones.
But what happens when the one we love is addicted to a toxic relationship?
Where do we turn, the loved ones of the family member who is losing their Self to a manipulating other?
In this case, its not so easy to let go.
In my case, I have discovered that the same rules must apply.
Loving family members who consistently involve themselves with dysfunctional others--is very similar to loving someone who is drug addicted. No matter how hard you try to save them-they end up...
As an adult child of an alcoholic, you are probably struggling with various emotional issues. Very often unaware adult children of alcoholics do not even realize that the drama they are facing in their everyday lives is controllable.
"What?" I hear you, my dear reader ask. "These dramas are happening to me. I am not in control over this lunacy," I hear you thinking.
For many years I too believed that the chaos that surrounded me was mayhem I could not control. From my unawakened perspective, I was in fact the victim. In my zombie like mind I was the one who was doing everything right. It was all of 'those other people' in my life that were screwed up. It was never me. If I felt angry, enraged or sad, it was because of something someone else had said or done. My thought process had me blaming everyone else for why I felt the way I felt--or for why I could not move forward in various areas of my life.
I have learned to understand that pain is one of life's greatest teachers. Like...
For the bulk of my life I was confused about where I stood in relation to others. My very strict Roman Catholic upbringing had me feeling cursed from day one. Born a sinner I (or so I was told) my tiny soul felt as if love was something I needed to prove myself worthy of. On days when I hoped God was napping, I would allow my mind to wander.
"Is it my fault I am human?" I would wonder, hoping God could not hear my inner thoughts.
Back when I was a child, God, Jesus, Christ--you name it--was used against me like one would use a stun gun to control a being into line. I was taught to fear God like He was the boogie man. "God can hear your every thought and see your every move. You better have pure thoughts or God will punish you and you might go to hell when you die," I was told, in overt as well as covert ways.
The message was clear. Fear God, fear your parents, fear what others think of you, fear not being perfect, fear not being good enough, feel guilty because God sent His only Son...
If you are an adult child from a dysfunctional home, whether the tool of dysfunction used was alcohol, emotional manipulation, guilt, shame or physical or sexual abuse--as an adult today, you may have a tough time getting out of your head.
Why? Why is it that so many of us who felt so pained as children have such a hard time getting ourselves involved with others in an intimate way?
So many of us struggle with intimacy today because our first experiences with love were so painful. We have been programmed and conditioned to fear being loved by others, as well as fear loving others. Our unconscious mind has us hard-wired to fear to let down our shield--the one that we can feel but cannot see--but that others can feel as well. The one that says, "It is safer to give than to expect to be given to," which of course keeps us spiritually and emotionally malnourished (unconsciously of course).
When an innocent child experiences emotional estrangement from the very beings that brought them...
When I was going through my recovery process, initially I attended 12 step programs to help me stay aware. At first I thought this was a really good idea, but the more meetings I attended the more I realized they were not for me.
Although I do firmly believe some people benefit tremendously from 12 step meetings, there are those of us who simply do not.
For all of you adult children of alcoholics, as well as grandchildren of alcoholics--and least we not forget our brothers and sisters who were born to 'dry' dysfunctional parents--this post is for you!
Coming Out Of The Closet
My mission in life is to bring as many ACoA's as well as any adult children of the dysfunctional who were born to emotional vampires--and were turned into zombies--by nonsensical parenting--out of the damn closet!
We have done nothing wrong!
Yes, certainly group meetings are intended to be safe places where attendees can share their laundry lists without the fear of other members spreading their personal...
Codependency is everywhere. It is in our media, our newspapers, and on our airwaves. In obvious as well as covert ways we as a people are being brainwashed to worry more about what others think about us than what we think about ourselves. In addition, we are bombarded with subliminal messages that cause us to unconsciously fear being alone, unworthy, and definitely not enough.
From Cinderella to so called 'Reality TV' we consumers--consume the garbage we observe without as much as a 'WTF?'
We get sucked into the codependent dramas we witness on television and in the movies and rarely stop to think, "Hey wait a minute. What did I just absorb into my freakin' psyche right now?"
In overt as well as covert ways we the individuals--that in all make up the masses are being hypnotized to believe we are not enough. We are so not enough--we need to take diet pills, get lash extensions, study porn for the latest sex positions, say yes when we wish we could say no, have the perfect marriage,...
While the term 'codependency' may be clouded with misunderstandings, it is quite an epidemic. In fact, it is a worldwide epidemic, although rarely does the common man stop to ponder such deep thinking thoughts.
By common man, I am referring to those amongst us who have forgotten or perhaps have never learned to think.
Codependency is a programmed condition that is rooted in the very fibers of the blueprint that becomes a beings subconscious belief system.
Why is this important to pick apart and totally understand?
Because if you do not know your Self--you are no more than a walking, breathing zombie. That's right, a zombie.
Before I began my recovery journey I often said, "I feel like a shell." I didn't feel real, but I didn't know why.
I believe that the disconnect between my psychological mind, which was founded on my subconscious belief systems and the most natural facet of me; my spirit/soul/self was the reason I did not feel whole.
In fact, I wasn't whole. I was a fragmented...
This post is dedicated to Vladmir, a loyal reader and ACoA in Russia;
Yes Vladimir, it is up to our parents to love us unconditionally so that we the innocent beings are able to integrate mind, body and soul--but when we are born to people who are unaware they themselves have a self--and instead are reactive--there is no way they will ever be able to instill in us the secure sense of self we need to mature emotionally.
Unfortunately we the children of the self absorbed--FEEL rejected--and presume that the reason we are being unseen--is because WE are ill--or wrong--or inept....
They only secret ever--is YOU....
In reality--we do not need our parents to love us unconditionally--not really--because we are ENOUGH--at our core--even if no one ever validates us...Each of us--is a seed--of God--we are all One...not only with all that is--but with mankind...We are all brothers and sisters--its just--that some of us--know that--some of us don't--some of us want to know our truth--and...
On the road of my recovery there have been many mind bending obstacles I have had to learn to intellectually as well as emotionally conquer. Because healing codependency created through the programming my once blank slate of a mind once was as a child--as an adult--I had no way of truly grasping the fact that the thoughts and emotions I was reacting to as an adult--were dysfunctional.
When you are the pattern--you don't know you are the pattern. The ideas you had on Monday, are the same ideas you have on Tuesday--and on, and on, and on they go. As adults we ACoA's as well as all other adults born to dysfunctional parents--do not know that the ideas we have been fed, have infested our once innocent fertile minds with bullshit! No, because we have been taught to fear our emotions, we ignore our gut instincts, and often times become paralyzed emotionally because we are so terrified of unknowns.
As adults we become super sensitive and hyper vigilant because those of us who were bigger...