Not everyone knows how to feel a feeling
Not everyone knows how to feel a feeling, label it, process it, run it through a logical filter and ask themselves, questions like, "Why do I feel this way? What can I control? What can't I control? What can I do about the way I feel? Who do I need to talk to about this?"
My favorite round of questions goes like this, "Is what I am feeling related to facts, ego, disappointment, loss, anxiety, or the fear of the unknown?"
We are ALL emotional but not all of us know how to be vulnerable enough to acknowledge our fears, concerns, anxieties, or worries, or how to express them fairly with others. Not all of us know that it is perfectly normal to feel a feeling and chew on it rather than regurgitate it or pretend the feeling doesn't exist at all.
When we are raised by emotionally avoidant others, or we marry those who have trouble accessing and sharing their emotions, it is not uncommon to feel abandoned by the people we desire to feel deeply bonded with.
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When you love a narcissist, there is no place in your life that feels safe.
If you study narcissists near or far, one thing you learn is that they can tend to be predictable. This awareness, however, remains unknown to the victim who is being abused from all sides and from everywhere.
Narcissistic abuse is unlike a fallout with a friend who was having a bad day and said some pretty gnarly things about you in a fit of anger. Things like this happen from time to time and although they are not pleasant, the reality is we all have bad days, bad moments and can react when highly emotional. If you have a strong friendship, you and your friend will be able to talk things out. You will feel seen, understood and your friend will do all they can to never get that far out of control again. In essence, this fallout was a one time deal and the resolution was quick.
Not so when you are dealing with a narcissist whose agenda it becomes to ANNIHILATE you on all fronts. There is NO SUCH THING as a one-time event with a narcissist. It is ongoing abuse, a...
Codependency in a nutshell
When I did not know I was externally focused and detached from the self, I felt like I was going crazy. I kept doing for others what I thought a 'good' person should do, and yet, within me, I felt lonelier and grew angrier as time went on.
I had no idea I was unconscious and living my life below a gossamer veil, through an ego that had no other choice but to run on auto-pilot. I had no awareness of authentic self-awareness and like a puppy, I spent my days seeking a pat on the head, or the right to go for a walk outside.
Hell yes, I was angry, frustrated, and resentful. I lived with someone who felt like he was superior to me and that I absolutely SHOULD cater, fawn, and subjugate my needs for his. Like a hand in a glove, my unconsciousness felt like a perfect fit for someone who was as unconscious as I was, and who needed to covertly control our relationship, in spite of how big my mouth was.
Codependents complain, but they rarely end toxic relationships. In...
Love Conscious
If you study success, you learn that in order to achieve success you must become success-conscious. Developing a growth mindset takes time, very much like it would if you purchased a run-down factory and you needed to renovate it in order for it to begin manufacturing the one of a kind cookies your great grandmother taught you to bake when you were a little kid.
In order for the factory to be successful, you'd need to pluck out whatever needed to be removed and replace it with equipment and with people in alignment with the success of your new company. And so it is with LOVE.
In order to manifest love you must become love-conscious. The problem with this principle is, many of us who struggle with shame often stay in relationships with toxic others, like narcissists. The key idea here is to remember that narcissists are fear-conscious. They fear abandonment. They fear being seen as 'ordinary'. They fear losing control over you. They need for their sources of narcissistic supply...
Have you ever been too loyal?
When you are codependent, you don't always know that there is data missing in your subconscious mind that will prevent you from acknowledging toxic relationships and people for what they really are.
When you are codependent you don't know that there are TOOLS missing from your shed. You're like a farmer that knows nothing about tractors and cuts their hay with scissors from the kitchen drawer. You don't know what you don't know. You don't understand what you never learned. You do what you've always done.
When you are codependent, you fear abandonment, seek connection, and are often loyal to a detriment of your own. You don't recognize you are in danger and sadly, often, you do all you can to keep toxic others calm, content, happy, and do all you can to make sure they have nothing to complain about.
All the while, you lose yourself more a little each day.
Have you ever been too loyal?
Narcissists and Hoovering
The #1 way to get narcissists out of your life is to STOP seeking approval, permission, and acceptance from others.
It is really difficult to walk by faith and not by sight when you have been raised to feel like you are not good enough. The inner child within you will continue to seek bonds and connections to others, even to your own detriment UNTIL you awaken and finally start seeing that it is not you -- it is only your programming.
Your heart is GOLD and there are people out there who will think nothing of playing with your emotions. There are people who will exploit you, and play mind games. Okay, fine...so there are people out there who lack empathy and are not serious when it comes to relationships...well...those people need people who are the same wavelength. What they don't deserve are those who can and are willing to participate wholeheartedly in a committed relationship.
The next time someone throws you away, pay attention. And when and if they...
Outsmart a Narcissist
When dealing with someone with high narcissistic traits, it can be awfully tempting to defend, lash out, and even fall apart after having to interact with them. Some of the telltale signs you're dealing with a narcissist reveal themselves in how you feel when you are with them and how you feel once they are gone.
When in the presence of someone toxic, you may feel on guard, hypervigilant, fearful, and as if you need to walk around on eggshells. If the narcissist is accusatory, you may feel confused and experience brain fog. You may find your thoughts trapped within a maze of ricocheting thoughts and discover you are experiencing an intense need to escape asap.
When you are away from someone who is highly narcissistic, you will feel drained and relieved you are no longer in the presence of someone who needs to be right, make others wrong, and who needs to believe in their superiority over you in order to feel in control of their emotions.
In lots of cases,...
It is NOT your job to make other people happy
Dear one, I am here to tell you that it is NOT your job to make other people happy - just like it is not their job to make you happy! You, just like everyone else, have the ability to make and keep yourselves happy.
You also do not have to agree with everyone you talk to. It is okay to have disagreements with someone and it is okay to not think the exact same way as another person. It is not okay to get reactive. if someone is passionately saying the sky is purple when you know it is blue, it is perfectly fine to say "okay, if thats how you feel" and walk away. Maybe even change the subject. This is setting a boundary with yourself; when someone disagrees with me, I will not feel the need to prove myself or force myself to agree with them - I will honor how I feel - and let myself think for myself.
Learning how to set boundaries is also about learning about why you do not know how to set boundaries. Learning how to love yourself is the first step in setting boundaries.
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What to look for in relationships
Healthy Relationship Signs
If you were raised in a home where wounds were created daily and exploited often, and you are on a quest to find a healthy relationship as an adult today, you may be looking out for danger signs, without paying attention to healthy signs.
The Fear of Intimacy
Abused adult children can spend their lives in fear of becoming hurt inside relationship dynamics. We can fear intimacy, vulnerability and tone ourselves down. On the flip side, we can be too open too soon, and expose our deepest and most wounded parts of ourselves without building faith in the other person first.
Children in Adult Bodies
We are children in adult bodies and often do not realize that our fears as well as hopes are driving our emotions and behaviors. For these reason, when we are unaware we are unaware, we don't always make the most sound choices when it comes to choosing partners or friends.
What Does Your Healthy Relationship Look Like
If you are on...
Narcissists & Boundaries
Narcissists and Boundaries
Someone who loves you, cares about you and actually wants to know how you REALLY feel, welcomes open communication. Someone who is mature, has your back and can experience you as a 3D autonomous being WANTS to know how you experience the world.
However, when faced with needing to set boundaries with narcissists, this is not the case.
- Narcissists will find ways to punish you for daring to set boundaries.
- They are angered by your desire to have an open dialogue.
- They are resentful that you dare to suggest they've crossed a line and how you feel never crosses their mind.
Overt Narcissist
Overt narcissists are easier to spot. They will bully you, verbally abuse you, demean you and treat you unkindly and often, openly in front of others.
Covert Narcissist
Covert narcissists however, find other ways to show their hidden rage, aggression, and resentments. When dealing with covert narcissists, you will need...
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