If you struggle with codependency, you struggle with having a healthy autonomous identity.
When asked the question, "Who are you?" you answer according to your roles in society, or you describe yourself according to ideas that have shaped your perception of self. You speak in terms of what has happened to you or in terms of what role you think you play in the world or in your family.
You say things like;
I am a woman.
I am a man.
I am a father.
I am a mother.
I am a soccer coach.
I am a doctor.
I am a writer.
I am someone with a disability.
I am depressed.
I am anxious.
I am a bus driver.
I am an electrician.
I am a hairdresser.
I am the daughter of a narcissist.
I am the adult child of an alcoholic.
I am a sexual abuse survivor and so on...
While all of these statements might very well be true for you, the truth is, they do not describe who you are separate from what has happened to you or what role your culture or our very imperfect, still chaotic society has placed you into.
Many of us are still...
Children are not possessions.
Children are not things.
Children are not here for adult’s amusement.
Children are angelic gifts who are on loan to us from the heavens and it is our job to cradle them with love, understanding, forgiveness, kindness, compassion, empathy, and protection.
Children should never be mocked, criticized, or treated with indifference.
They should not ever be compared to another sibling, friend, or family member.
They should not be lied to, persecuted, sexualized, or objectified.
They should never be hit or be exposed to domestic violence, drug abuse, or drunkenness.
Their lives and homes should be orderly and clean.
Children should have a routine and rules in their homes should be fair and predictable.
Children should have parents and caretakers who take an interest in their schoolwork, medical and dental care.
Children should feel like their emotions are important to those who have been blessed with the chance to care for them.
Children should be encouraged to...
If you are an adult who is suffering from low self esteem, perhaps it is time to ask yourself 'why'. Why do you think you struggle with self worth?
In many of the cases, our answers lie in our childhood experiences. Without knowing why we feel a certain way, it is all but impossible to heal the way we feel.
Have you been abused by a narcissistic parent? Do you suffer from low self-esteem? Have you been spiritually, verbally, physically, sexually, or psychologically abused? Have you been brainwashed to believe that you are unworthy?
It is not possible to have self-esteem when you never had parents who helped you develop a healthy sense of self. If you were raised by toxic parents, alcoholic parents, narcissistic parents, or if you were raised in chaos, if you were raised in foster care, if you suffered any type of ongoing trauma in your childhood, it is NOT your fault if you suffer from low self esteem today.
If you are willing to be honest with yourself and begin...
There is nothing that upsets me or excites me more than an adult child of an alcoholic, or an adult child of a dysfunctional home who is on the cusp of being able to comprehend that he/she is NOT her thoughts.
When you are born to parents who cannot SEE you, who cannot HEAR you, who are unaware at how self absorbed they are--in relation to you--YOU never learn to be comfortable in your own skin. Because it is the absolute responsibility of the parent to instill within a child a sense of unconditional love and acceptance--children are not born knowing how to love self. In fact, children learn about their worth or lack of through their relationships with parents. If the parents are dysfunctional, then so will be the messages the child receives about self, others, the world, relationships and love.
Perhaps the saddest thing about being a wounded adult child of a dysfunctional parent--is how often we tend to argue for our limitations. We argue for why we can't stop smoking, lose...
Perhaps another commandment should read,
"Honor thy children."
When we honor children, we honor ourselves.
When we honor a child's perceptions and understand their emotional, cognitive, and physical limitations, we are offering our children the right to be small, to need, to want, and to experience unconditional love.
When we attune ourselves with their needs at any given moment, and we meet those needs lovingly, we teach our children to love themselves and to eventually learn how to meet their own needs. They will learn they are important and worthy of respect.
When we teach our children proper boundaries, and we ourselves model healthy boundaries for them, we honor our children's right to say 'NO' when they mean NO and yes when they mean yes. They will not be resentful adults who distrust, persecute and need to control others, and instead, they will be creatures attuned with love and thus, they will manifest that love in return. We also teach them to believe they are too...
Love addiction and codependency are NOT about love at all. They are about the fear of NOT feeling LOVE.
Love addiction is about compulsive thoughts and behaviors. It is about reactivity and a lack of self -control when it comes to emotions.
Many abused children grow up to become adult men and women who view love like a great tragic play, sort of like Romeo and Juliet, and yet, Romeo and Juliet were completely OUT of control, so much so they got everyone they knew wrapped up in their drama.
REAL LOVE is patient, calm, soothing, rational, fair, warm, nurturing, and kind. There is no up and down nonsense, gaslighting, compulsive behaviors, stonewalling, silent treatments, passive aggressiveness, or denial of facts.
The problem abused and ignored children have is this...the human imagination is a place that allows escape, and left to its own devices, many children believe that love must be the opposite of the supreme lack of disconnection which equals attachment and enmeshment.
Every time we react with anger or rage we are stuck in a state of resistance to something that is taking place in our environment.
Consciously, and when not triggered, many of us understand that we do not have the right to control how other people live. If our neighbors are slobs and throw trash all over their property, although that totally sucks big time, staring at their garbage won’t change a thing, nor will punching your neighbor in the nose.
Our control is never outside of us.
We think that if this neighbor cleans up his property that we will feel better, and we might, but think about this for a moment. If we cannot be happy unless someone outside of us changes, then we are not in control over our state of being-ness. Something outside of us is.
UH OH—lions and tigers and bears oh MY!
Today, as yourself this question, “What conditions do I place on my level of happiness?”
If you are waiting for the kids to behave, your husband to draw you a bubble bath,...