Narcissistic Abuse Survivor-Do you ever ask yourself these questions?

Why is she narcissistic?
Why can't he just love me?
Why did he say that?
Why does she keep cheating on me?
Why doesn't he just stop and listen to me?
Why can't she just stop triangulating and just admit that she is wrong?

If you do, you're normal and just like the rest of us who are simply trying to understand abusive, unfair, dysfunctional behavior.

But here's the thing. Your power is NOT outside of you, so asking questions about other people's abusive behavior is NEVER going to get you the answers or the peace you seek by asking them. The reality is, there is NO good reason to ever abuse anyone so even if you got your answers, they would not stop the abuse anyway.

Ask Better Questions

It is so freaking hard to STOP  asking the wrong questions and to start asking the right ones. It means we must end looking outside of ourselves and begin looking inside of ourselves.

YIKES...

Inside is where we hold all our...

End the Rat Race 

Life, like all wonderful vacations, must come to an end.  While some may see this opening line as somewhat of a depressing thought, I hope many will also view it as sobering as well. 

Life is a temporary thing and very much like a vacation, it does not last forever. Time and space cause us to be spellbound by the illusion that our death is far off in the distance somewhere and yet, consciously we all know this is an illusion itself. Many of us get up and do the exact same things we did the day before. However, what most of us fail to recognize is that we also recycle what we think and believe.

This weekend, we said goodbye to a woman who seemed as if somehow she would be the one who would escape life by not dying, ever. Her smile was large and her laugh was hearty. She had an incredibly loving relationship with her husband and two handsome sons. Her big family rallied around her during her illness, which has been a five-year-long journey, but in...

5 Steps to Tame the Inner Critic

1) Observe the negative language of the Inner Critic rather than react to it.

2) Disidentify from the negative language knowing you are NOT your thoughts.

3) Write down as many negative comments you hear coming from your Inner Critic and then number them 0-5, 5 being the most painful of all statements. 

4) Rewrite the negative language and replace it with loving messages.

5) Ask yourself, "Would I use this language on my best friend?" then imagine yourself doing just that. Imagine yourself using these exact phrases on a loved one. This will help your brain associate pain with these phrases which will assist the pain vs pleasure principle work for in the long run. 

Detachment

When we detach from the negative language of the Inner Critic we are able to be more objective about what is happening inside our minds. With a new level of objectivity, we can more easily manage negative self-talk. 

Shame

Negative self-talk induces shame and when...

Codependency and Detachment

1. Codependency is about unhealthy attachments to those we believe we require validation from.

2. Codependency involves the unconscious drive to cater to, fix, rescue and enable others. 

3. Codependency is rooted in the fear of abandonment. 

Codependent people feel in control when we are able to anticipate the needs of others. In the anticipating of other's needs, we avoid the fear of abandonment. The illusion is, if people need us, they will never abandon us. 

Codependent People Fear Losing Control of How Other People See Them

We don’t realize that in taking care of others, we are avoiding how we feel. When we attract people who need to be fixed, this gives us something other to focus on but ourselves. We are so accustomed to NOT knowing how to BE with ourselves, we feel lost when we don’t have something or someone to worry about.

We lack boundaries and don’t know what we want. We know what we don’t want, but we...

10 Signs You Might be Codependent

1. You stay in unsatisfying relationships even though you know you should end them.
2. You tend to be a people-pleaser and rarely worry about your own needs.
3. You over give and yet you attract people who under deliver or who generally take rather than consider others.
4. You find yourself feeling the need to fix or rescue others. 
5. You worry way too much about what other people think about you.
6. You struggle to set boundaries and you generally feel pushed around by those with strong personalities. 
7. Your parents were alcoholics, narcissists, abusive, and or emotionally neglectful. 
8. You don't know what you want or what might make you happy.
9. No matter how much you give or do you never quite feel like you have done enough or that you are enough. 
10. Your sense of value comes from doing for others or taking care of other people 

What is Codependency?

Codependency is not easy to describe because it is so multifaceted and it can involve nearly...

Codependency Recovery

1. Begins when we acknowledge we are not able to sustain our autonomy when in relationships with others.
2. Is focused on healing the shame caused by learning to believe we are unworthy of love.
3. Helps us become more self-reliant, self-trusting, and self-accountable.
4. Is a long journey and it must not be rushed.
5. Happens as we begin to learn how to feel our emotions, tell our truth, and learn to set healthy boundaries.

If you are suffering from codependency you are not alone. Codependency is rampant in our world today and learning to acknowledge how we enmesh, enable, attach and cling to others in unhealthy ways allows us to eventually learn to reclaim our personal self-worth. 

Many who suffer from codependency have grown up feeling abandoned by those they loved. When children experience abandonment, they naturally assume it is their fault they have been unable to gain the love they deserved. Codependency is a symptom of shame, a lack of self-love, and a product...

For a very long time, I was angry, frustrated, depressed, and resentful. As Melody Beattie once described, it was like the pendulum within me flew to the opposite side of people-pleasing.

Forgiving a narcissist or someone with high narcissistic traits is NOT an easy thing to do. And when you struggle with codependency, because you have a limited sense of autonomy, it is hard enough holding onto anger let alone any other emotion.  Those of us who have begged narcissistic others for validation have been abused to our core. Once there is nothing left to give, anger becomes a liferaft. 

By the time I figured out what was wrong was faulty programming that had lead to codependent behaviors and language patterns that were all unconscious, I was a mess. Barely holding on, I was like an infected big toe. If the wind blew, I hurt. 

For years, I held onto anger and resentment and for a time, being able to connect with anger allowed me to defend myself from what seemed to be...

If you have suffered a 'mother wound' chances are you struggle with feeling alone, unworthy, and not good enough.  When we feel separate from our caretakers, we can also feel separate from the self. 

I hope this meditation can help soothe you back into alignment with your divine self. 

All my love, 

Lisa 

For many of us, the idea of self-love makes us feel uncomfortable. We may have no clue what self-love looks like or feels like. Some of us may even confuse the concept of selfishness with self-love. If we grew up with rigid parents, our concepts of self-love may be rigid as well. This is not our fault, however, nothing changes until something changes. We can’t change our parents but we can change the programs they helped create in our minds as they pertain to self-love.

Becoming more self-loving means we allow ourselves to become less rigid in our thinking. We are learning to allow ourselves permission to not be so perfect. Perhaps this means we don’t make our bed one morning, or we dare to travel out without make-up. Maybe instead of working 10 hours a day, we knock off early to go sit in the park and feed some birds. For others, becoming less rigid might be not hounding our kids about cleaning their rooms. It also might include deliberately choosing to give our...