Loving the self is the cornerstone of our lives, although many abused adult children struggle to even understand what the hell loving the self means.
When we love from the purest state, we are unconditionally loving, accepting, patient, empathic, kind, forgiving and understanding.
This does not imply we need to sleep with people we know do not love us in a healthy way or can even harm us.
This does not imply we do not have the right to set boundaries with unhealthy and abusive others.
It does imply, however, that love, in its purest form has the ability to understand without judgment and without a roll in the hay.
Loving the self very often means we learn to say “NO!” ‘No, I won’t sleep with you. No, I am not coming over to ‘just’ watch a movie. No, I won’t meet you for coffee. No, I don’t care if she is just a friend. No, I won’t pick you up from the train station even if it is snowing and your car has a flat.’
George Bernard Shaw states, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that has taken place.”
Humans are said to be 95% unconscious 95% of the time—HOLY CRAP!
Seriously?!?! Without our conscious knowledge, we all project to a degree what we THINK we hear other people saying because all that we hear must pass through our TRAUMA FILTER.
If we were programmed to believe we were unworthy, in conversations with others this is the echo we will hear reverberating through every syllable the person we are talking to utters.
Today, do what you can to drop your guard, open your heart, and listen. You might hear someone say something passive-aggressive, or you might even hear yourself project your wounds and your fears onto others as well, OR—you just might hear something loving, compassionate, encouraging, uplifting, and empathetic.
When we learn to believe we are enough, it is far easier to notice flowers, the sun, butterflies, smiles, laughter, and...
When the body feels like it is under attack, it launches its defenses. This is a wonderful, factory-built
pre-design that humans do not need to think about launching. The fight or flight system is divinely constructed and installed into the human brain by design.
I hope you are curious about the Master Designer. Just sayin’
When you hear a sudden loud noise, your brain recognizes this as a possible threat and as a result, your autonomic system will cause a chemical burst that will overwhelm your consciousness and cause physical movement. You may jump out of your chair and turn your head suddenly, and without thinking, towards the area where your brain has alerted you to where this sudden strange noise has come.
Over the airwaves, little nerves in your ears have sensed the sudden vibrations in your environment and at lightning speed have sent impulses to your brain and vice versa all in an attempt to keep you safe and alive. This, by the way, all takes place through the sea of...
Most of us have been waiting for someone else to show up and rescue us. We may not have been conscious of this idea, but, many of us have been believing that some outside source was going to show up and magically help us feel ENOUGH!
In spite of our difficult pasts, the HUMAN SPIRIT is resilient and wants nothing more for each of us to learn to believe that we are ENOUGH all by ourselves.
Have you been waiting to be rescued?
If so, what fairy tale have you been believing in that you need to let go of?
Are you learning to believe YOU are the rescue boat you have been waiting for?
If so, that is something wonderful to be GRATEFUL for!
You are learning that only YOU can save YOU!
You are enough and that is something amazing to be grateful for!
Stretch Through the Pain to Achieve the Gain
Dear One, never forget that anxiety, depression, angst, hopelessness, and even unresolved anger is a symptom of something much deeper.
Codependency is also a symptom of some type of childhood neglect.
That neglect could have been overt or covert. It could have been sexual abuse or it could have been emotional abandonment.
Emotional neglect and maternal disconnect cause the same chemical reactions to take place in the brain that physical abuse causes.
Separation of any kind causes anxiety, whether that is physical or emotional separation.
All of us have been born to FEEL connected to Self, as well as others.
Knowing why we are the way we are is awesome--BUT it is not where our work ends. In fact, it is where our work begins.
We are all powerful creatures--who have the ability to transcend and connect to our authentic self but to do that, we must learn to stretch through our pain.
Tolle teaches us that we all have a pain body, and I would totally...
One of the best things we can do for the self is LISTEN.
Many abused adult children are so afraid of feeling invisible, that often we over-share and over-talk when in the company of others. One of the ways we can PRACTICE loving the self, is by refusing to offer words that are unintentional and inauthentic and instead, choose words more mindfully.
When we QUIET the mind, we can not only hear others but we can also hear the SELF.
As healing adults, we can forget that within us still resides a child that just wants to feel seen, like they matter, and as if what they have to say is important. We can get all excited when we are around others and feel the chance to share, and that is alright, as long as we are aware of our intentions.
When our intentions are to be in the moment, we lose our need to control how people see us and we are more able to show up in an authentic way for ourselves as well as for others.
This weekend, love yourself by refusing to over-share and instead, see if you can...
I remember the moment a female judge told me that what my ex did with our kids when they were not with me was none of my business.
In that moment, you could have knocked me off my feet with a feather.
I recall my mind buzzing like I a nest of bees had crawled into my ears. What the hell was this crazy lady saying to me right now? I could not grasp the idea that I had ZERO control over how my ex treated my kids when they were not with me, nor, according to this judge, should I even care. It was simply NONE of my business according to her, unless he was inducing some type of physical harm.
Although I wanted the judge to consider the way my ex spoke to the children; how he triangulated, played the poor guy and consistently did all he could to get our children to worry more about him than he worried about them, she refused to budge. Unless the ex was physically hurting the kids, what happened when they were in his care was none of my business, so said the law.
My entire life was about...
Vince Lombardi has stated, “The greatest accomplishment is not in never failing, but in rising again after you fall.”
Abused adult children are terrified of appearing NOT perfect. TOXIC shame is at the core of our fear of feeling vulnerable and until we reconcile our humanness and understand that there is NO joy in never having to accomplish anything, we may stuck in cycles of self-sabotaging behaviors.
It takes WARRIOR like strength to put yourself out there and believe in a dream, especially when you come up against those who find joy in kicking you when you are down.
We win when we rise regardless of the cacklers in our midst and the bruises on our knees.
Have you been kicked while down and did you decide to rise again?
Lions and tigers and bears OH MY!
Generally speaking, the narcissist and codependent have grown up feeling abandoned, rejected, unloved, and unwanted. Both have internalized abandonment and carry this internalization of such experiences as shame. The codependent is the one who has figured out that by acquiescing, people-pleasing, fawning, rescuing, and by suppressing one's needs they are able to avoid either additional abandonment or criticism. The narcissist, however, was unable to find ways to gain any sort of approval or reprieve from the experiences they were born into. No matter what the narcissist did, relief, acceptance, love, happiness, attachment, and joy never came.
Codependents LOVE to rescue and fix people. We have never learned to believe that we are enough just as we are. Healthy people might not want us, we think, but perhaps a wounded duck might! In fact, codependent people will attract the most wounded, unstable personality in a room full of healthy others!...