This post is for anyone who is dating, living, or working with someone who has an arrogant, intellectual air about them, who finds ways to put them down. This post is for anyone who has to deal with someone who behaves as if they are supremely more intelligent than others and who MUST find ways to tell the world how amazingly brilliant they are and often at your expense.
Not all narcissists are unintelligent sociopaths. Some of them in fact, are the brightest minds on earth. When we are dealing with an intellectual or cerebral narcissist, it can be even more challenging to hold onto the self because they have such a wonderful command of language.
In the end, consider how people make you feel.
If someone respects and loves you--you'll know it.
If someone is trying to make you feel bad so they can feel good--you'll know that too.
Drop into your heart space and ask yourself, "How does this person make me feel?" and then, listen.
Don't let any little smarty pants make you feel bad about...
As children, many of us who experienced emotional neglect spent our days fantasizing about the perfect person who would rescue us from our toxic homes. We relied on these fantasies to help us get through a day, however, there are very real consequences to whimsical thinking.
While we were still unaware we were unaware, our brains and minds became attuned to thinking and believing in relationship dynamics that were built upon pain, immaturity, and fantasy.
Although imagining being rescued or being the rescuer helped to fill our depressed brains with fuzzy warm feeling hormones like oxytocin, on a very deep level, we were developing beliefs about how life should be.
As healing codependent adults, we need to be very careful about the way we perceive ourselves, others, and relationships.
We need to ask ourselves;
"Have I idealized this person and now, as the honeymoon period wears off, am I blaming this person for NOT sizing up to the fantasy version of this person I talked myself into...
Many people ask me about how to set boundaries. I am asked things like,
"How can I set a clear boundary with my mother-in-law?"
"How can I set a boundary with my children?"
"How can I set a boundary with my mother?"
The thing is, you cannot serve two masters.
Dear One, you HAVE to DECIDE. Will you serve others’s happiness or your OWN?
Will you serve to PLEASE others or will you learn to live to please your SELF?
Will you cater to the needs of OTHERS or will you learn to cater to your OWN needs?
Boundaries are misunderstood. Many of us think of boundaries and see lines in the sand or clear lines of demarcation. When we think of boundaries we see stop signs in our heads and sometimes feel this tightness in our chest. We associate boundaries with being tough and strong--and yet--boundaries are about being open, honest, kind, authentic and real.
You know that electric surge you feel go up to your spine when someone does something that ticks you off, or what about that tight feeling in...
Many of us grew up being shamed for wanting a connection and in our parent's twisted reality, this was seen as a bad or selfish desire.
All children deserve a connection and those who did not receive attention now struggle with trust issues, abandonment and attachment traumas.
If your parents understood the power of attention, you would not crave connection today, at least not in a codependent kind of way.
Many of us who crave connections in a codependent kind of way have been starved of affection, validation and healthy nurturing, and that is not our fault.
Be brave enough to see the truth and do all you can to give yourself all the love, affection and connection you always deserved.
You are enough!
Codependents are wounded and suffer from abandonment. We do not feel good enough and find ourselves tirelessly attending to the needs of others.
We do this to help us avoid our internal shame.
We do this in the hopes of gaining approval.
We do this to avoid feeling our own anxiety.
We do this to flee from our internal reality.
As children, we loved until it hurt only to discover no matter how deep we loved, it was not enough to gain the connections we needed.
Perhaps our parents were impossible to please.
Perhaps they were aloof.
Perhaps our parents were lost inside their own drama and trauma.
Perhaps our parents were immature.
Perhaps our parents were narcissistic.
Perhaps our parents were abusive.
Perhaps our parents were perfectionists.
Whatever the case, if you grew up feeling invisible chances are codependency has found its way into your thinking process and that is NOT your fault.
As we heal, Amy the amygdala learns to relax.
As we heal, the more logical parts of our brain come back online.
For years I ignored my body, my emotions, my spiritual, emotional, and mental self. I was unaware I was a reactive being and enmeshed with those around me. My moods, thoughts, and actions were the effects, and other people's moods, thoughts and actions were the cause.
Codependency recovery requires detachment and this process is anything but pleasant, easy, or quick.
Codependents struggle with knowing who they are.
We struggle with our identity and often tie our sense of self to how well we are able to gain validation and acceptance from others.
Our behaviors are co-dependent, reactive, and dependent upon how well we serve others. And when we do for others and fail to have others treat us as we unconsciously expected, our deepest abandonment wounds are triggered.
Our relationships are co-dependent and we fail to make ourselves a priority.
These days, I respect certain Codependency Commandments and I especially appreciate the importance of respecting my divine body.
I hope you are learning...