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Not everyone knows how to feel a feeling

Not everyone knows how to feel a feeling, label it, process it, run it through a logical filter and ask themselves, questions like, "Why do I feel this way? What can I control? What can't I control? What can I do about the way I feel? Who do I need to talk to about this?"
 
My favorite round of questions goes like this, "Is what I am feeling related to facts, ego, disappointment, loss, anxiety, or the fear of the unknown?"
 
We are ALL emotional but not all of us know how to be vulnerable enough to acknowledge our fears, concerns, anxieties, or worries, or how to express them fairly with others. Not all of us know that it is perfectly normal to feel a feeling and chew on it rather than regurgitate it or pretend the feeling doesn't exist at all.
 
When we are raised by emotionally avoidant others, or we marry those who have trouble accessing and sharing their emotions, it is not uncommon to feel abandoned by the people we desire to feel deeply bonded with.
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Childhood trauma wires our brains for survival

Children feel and become one with their emotions and until we understand HOW to observe an emotion, many of us stay as small children, stuck within our reactive minds, and unable to TAME our instinctive and often primal energies.
 
It is wonderful to feel, but it is not enough!
 
If a narcissist feels, they react to their emotions and look to retaliate, blame, accuse, shame, and guilt their target. Someone who is highly narcissistic lacks self-awareness, as well as the desire to PAUSE and MANAGE the ego.
While it is normal to experience an emotion and then to have a somatic response to an emotion, it is not enough to NOT think about the way you feel, or how emotion has impacted and triggered primal egoic reactions within you.
 
Childhood trauma wires our brains for survival. If you are a victim of emotional neglect and abuse, you may have developed a heightened stress response system, and that is not your fault.
 
As adults, the aim is to learn to sit,...
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When you love a narcissist, there is no place in your life that feels safe.

If you study narcissists near or far, one thing you learn is that they can tend to be predictable. This awareness, however, remains unknown to the victim who is being abused from all sides and from everywhere.
 
Narcissistic abuse is unlike a fallout with a friend who was having a bad day and said some pretty gnarly things about you in a fit of anger. Things like this happen from time to time and although they are not pleasant, the reality is we all have bad days, bad moments and can react when highly emotional. If you have a strong friendship, you and your friend will be able to talk things out. You will feel seen, understood and your friend will do all they can to never get that far out of control again. In essence, this fallout was a one time deal and the resolution was quick.
 
Not so when you are dealing with a narcissist whose agenda it becomes to ANNIHILATE you on all fronts. There is NO SUCH THING as a one-time event with a narcissist. It is ongoing abuse, a...
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Codependency in a nutshell

When I did not know I was externally focused and detached from the self, I felt like I was going crazy. I kept doing for others what I thought a 'good' person should do, and yet, within me, I felt lonelier and grew angrier as time went on.
 
I had no idea I was unconscious and living my life below a gossamer veil, through an ego that had no other choice but to run on auto-pilot. I had no awareness of authentic self-awareness and like a puppy, I spent my days seeking a pat on the head, or the right to go for a walk outside.
 
Hell yes, I was angry, frustrated, and resentful. I lived with someone who felt like he was superior to me and that I absolutely SHOULD cater, fawn, and subjugate my needs for his. Like a hand in a glove, my unconsciousness felt like a perfect fit for someone who was as unconscious as I was, and who needed to covertly control our relationship, in spite of how big my mouth was.
 
Codependents complain, but they rarely end toxic relationships. In...
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Narcissists and Hoovering

The #1 way to get narcissists out of your life is to STOP seeking approval, permission, and acceptance from others.
 
It is really difficult to walk by faith and not by sight when you have been raised to feel like you are not good enough. The inner child within you will continue to seek bonds and connections to others, even to your own detriment UNTIL you awaken and finally start seeing that it is not you -- it is only your programming.
 
Your heart is GOLD and there are people out there who will think nothing of playing with your emotions. There are people who will exploit you, and play mind games. Okay, fine...so there are people out there who lack empathy and are not serious when it comes to relationships...well...those people need people who are the same wavelength. What they don't deserve are those who can and are willing to participate wholeheartedly in a committed relationship.
 
The next time someone throws you away, pay attention. And when and if they...
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Outsmart a Narcissist

When dealing with someone with high narcissistic traits, it can be awfully tempting to defend, lash out, and even fall apart after having to interact with them. Some of the telltale signs you're dealing with a narcissist reveal themselves in how you feel when you are with them and how you feel once they are gone.
 
When in the presence of someone toxic, you may feel on guard, hypervigilant, fearful, and as if you need to walk around on eggshells. If the narcissist is accusatory, you may feel confused and experience brain fog. You may find your thoughts trapped within a maze of ricocheting thoughts and discover you are experiencing an intense need to escape asap.
 
When you are away from someone who is highly narcissistic, you will feel drained and relieved you are no longer in the presence of someone who needs to be right, make others wrong, and who needs to believe in their superiority over you in order to feel in control of their emotions.
 
In lots of cases,...
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It is NOT your job to make other people happy

Dear one, I am here to tell you that it is NOT your job to make other people happy - just like it is not their job to make you happy! You, just like everyone else, have the ability to make and keep yourselves happy.

You also do not have to agree with everyone you talk to. It is okay to have disagreements with someone and it is okay to not think the exact same way as another person. It is not okay to get reactive. if someone is passionately saying the sky is purple when you know it is blue, it is perfectly fine to say "okay, if thats how you feel" and walk away. Maybe even change the subject. This is setting a boundary with yourself; when someone disagrees with me, I will not feel the need to prove myself or force myself to agree with them - I will honor how I feel - and let myself think for myself.

Learning how to set boundaries is also about learning about why you do not know how to set boundaries. Learning how to love yourself is the first step in setting boundaries.

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Narcissists & Boundaries

 

Narcissists and Boundaries

Someone who loves you, cares about you and actually wants to know how you REALLY feel, welcomes open communication. Someone who is mature, has your back and can experience you as a 3D autonomous being WANTS to know how you experience the world.
 
However, when faced with needing to set boundaries with narcissists, this is not the case.
  • Narcissists will find ways to punish you for daring to set boundaries.
  • They are angered by your desire to have an open dialogue.
  • They are resentful that you dare to suggest they've crossed a line and how you feel never crosses their mind.
 

Overt Narcissist 

 
Overt narcissists are easier to spot. They will bully you, verbally abuse you, demean you and treat you unkindly and often, openly in front of others.
 

Covert Narcissist 

 
Covert narcissists however, find other ways to show their hidden rage, aggression, and resentments. When dealing with covert narcissists, you will need...
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Why You Cant' Have Healthy Relationships

Why You Can't Have Healthy Relationships

 
Codependency is tied to shame, loneliness, poor boundaries, and a lack of life skills. When you are codependent, unhealthy relationships are the norm. You don't naturally watch after the self, and you tend to worry more about what others think about you than what you think about you. The past has become your NOW and you have no clue how to change what needs to be changed. Sadly, healthy relationships slip away as unhealthy dynamics continue to flourish.
 
Codependents tend to stay in toxic relationships even when they know they are toxic. Codependents will complain, cry, withdraw, and can find themselves living with intolerable anger and frustration. Patterns from the past, deep fears of abandonment, poor boundaries, and a lack of self makes it impossible to confront all that needs to be properly dealt with.
 
If you're codependent, you need a connection to the self and faith to believe that the self you are is valuable,...
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Denied Love

Denied Love Does Not Make You Unlovable

 
"It's all in your mind."
 
You've heard that been said before and it's true.
 
Our identity is a mix of what we learned about the world, the meanings we attached to those experiences, as well as the emotions that naturally surfaced during particular instances, and the memories that were consolidated over time.
 
If you learned life was unpredictable, abuse was the norm, love was not a given, and that your body, mind, soul, heart, tears, cries, needs, wants and space were irrelevant, you may not understand that those experiences shaped your IDENTITY.
 
Not feeling worthy, good enough, seen, valued, understood, nurtured, wanted, loved, respected, appreciated are all experiences that have been stored in your memories. Over time, these memories become neurological pathways that stem from the innumerable ghostly doors that live in the subconscious mind.
 
These doors hold our boo boos; the ones that went...
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