Letting Go of Toxic Family Members

One of the most difficult things we can do as human beings is detach from dysfunctional family. Our innate survival default will draw us to bonding with family, even if our family is dysfunctional. 

When our family is dysfunctional, the problems are not always visible. 

In this video, I help people understand the need to learn how to validate the self, when someone decides to go no contact with toxic family members. 

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Do Narcissists Know They Are Narcissists?

Narcissists don't always know they are narcissists.

We have to keep this in mind. A narcissist is like speaking to a tree. A tree is convinced its a tree. But what if the tree was really a bush but the bush just thought it was a tree? 

Some narcissists insist they are kind, wonderful human beings. They are unaware they are not trees--they are NOT kind and they are not LOVING. Instead they are self-absorbed and only exhibit kind and loving behaviors when it SUITS THEM.

They are only able to appear to be kind and loving when doing so helps make THEM look good.

Vulnerable Narcissists

Beware of the wolf in grandma's clothing, who smells like warm baked apple pie. They may have tears in their eyes, gifts in their arms and look like sheep, but before long, you'll begin to feel like you've got claws in your back. 

The shy vulnerable narcissist is the person who uses a sob story to lure you into their lair of emotional doom! They will...

Sometimes taking care of the self means we have to let go of relationships that are causing us harm, pain, frustration, and spiritual inflammation.

Codependents are dependent on people. We seek validation, acceptance, and permission to feel what we feel and think about what we think. Even when we are 'feeling' and 'believing' we should end a friendship or some other type of a relationship like a marriage or business agreement, we struggle with believing we have a right to do so. Even when we get angry, we look to the one who has pushed our buttons for permission to feel upset.

All problems are the result of one's interpretations of a particular situation. Deeper, all problems are the result of our attachments to a particular outcome we have egotistically presumed is the proper and only correct outcome. Deeper, all pain in this world is the result of a being who falsely presumes their happiness is dependent upon something or someone outside of itself they cannot realistically control.

Happiness then can only come by way of letting go of our ideas of attachment. When one intellectually or emotionally attaches to an outcome, they have unknowingly pinched themselves off from freedom. By placing our happiness on outcomes, people, situations and experiences outside of ourselves, we cut ourselves off from the joy we think we were after in the first place.

You are reading this, but you may not be in control of the thoughts that are popping into your head as you read it. You may not even be aware that you have control over the thoughts that are showing up in your...

Its not easy to love someone who is choosing to hurt themselves. When the one we love is using alcohol, heroin or other forms of chemicals to escape the emotional and physical consequences of reality it is not difficult to identify what needs to get addressed. In the case of drug and or alcohol addiction it is obvious that dependency is the issue. In these cases, the family of the addicted has a place to turn. There are innumerable support groups for family members who are dealing with chemical dependent loved ones.

But what happens when the one we love is addicted to a toxic relationship?

Where do we turn, the loved ones of the family member who is losing their Self to a manipulating other?

In this case, its not so easy to let go.

In my case, I have discovered that the same rules must apply.

Loving family members who consistently involve themselves with dysfunctional others--is very similar to loving someone who is drug addicted. No matter how hard you try to save them-they end up...

If you are an adult child of an alcoholic, or the adult child of a dysfunctional home, chances are you have a difficult time NOT taking yourself too seriously.

Why?

Why would an adult child have a difficult time not taking themselves too seriously?

We ACoA's and GCoA's and ACoD (adult children of dysfunction) very often have been the victim of criticism, psychological manipulation, emotional manipulation, physical abuse and worse.

Because our childhoods taught us to that we needed to stay on guard--so to thwart some kind of an attack, we failed to be able to let go--or allow our guards to drop.

By default, we are hyper-vigilant, fear criticism, and tend to be rigid. We fear making mistakes, laughing too loud, or coming off as silly. We fear what other people think of us, and so we cut ourselves off from opportunities to let go--be free--and to have pure unobscured FUN!

As a Life Coach, and Self Mastery Expert I hold myself personally responsible for being the type of professional...

Codependents are dependent on people. We seek validation, acceptance, and permission to feel what we feel and think what we think. Even when we are 'feeling' and 'believing' we should end a friendship or some other type of a relationship like a marriage or business agreement, we struggle with believing we have a right to do so. Even when we get angry, we look to the one who has pushed our buttons for permission to feel upset.

When it comes to letting go, it helps to consciously accept that none of us ever let go because we want to. Letting go is always painful. We always doubt ourselves and we are never happy about doing so. We let go because the person we trusted has acted in a way that has caused us to understand that the trust we once had is gone. We let go because we understand, that the person we care for does not value who we are. We let go because, no matter how many times we have tried to resolve an issue, the issue never gets resolved. We let go because the relationship and...

Narcissists don't always know they are narcissists. We have to keep this in mind. A narcissist is like speaking to a tree. A tree is convinced its a tree. When we speak to a tree--we know that the tree believes it is a tree. But what if the tree wasn't really a tree. What if the tree was really a bush but the bush just thought it was a tree? What if because the bush was planted in a forest full of trees, the bush just assumed it was a tree too?

Narcissists assume they are kind, wonderful human beings. They are unaware they are not trees--they are NOT kind--they are not LOVING and instead they are self-absorbed and only exhibit kind and loving behaviors when it SUITS THEM. They are only able to appear to be kind and loving when doing so helps make THEM look good.

Have you ever had the experience of a mother, father, boyfriend, sister, brother, or friend who treated you like crap when no one was looking BUT when their was suddenly an audience the one abusing you in the dark could turn...