What 71 Adult Children of Alcoholics Want You To Know

If you grew up in a home touched by alcoholism, you know the deal. Chaos was normal. Silence was deafening. Shame lived at the dinner table, even if no one ever talked about it. And like me, you lived with your nose barely above the water line, but hey, no one notices drowning children when you come from chaos, so one better learn how to wade in water if they are to survive.

As adults in careers, starting families, doing our best to leave the past behind, as much as we’d like to believe we “outgrew” our childhood, research says otherwise.

A 2023 study (Simonič & Osewska) analyzed 71 anonymous forum posts written by adult children of alcoholics. Seventy-one people, finally able to say out loud what they could never say at home. An opportunity to shout, "Hey, I am drowning over here!"

They wrote about their childhood emotional experiences — and the consequences that followed them into adulthood.

Spoiler alert: the wounds don’t dissolve when you leave your childhood home, grow up, get a mortgage, or finally buy that dream car. Decades of therapy, well, that might not even help. There are holes in the walls we can't see. And well, self-abandonment has been our adaptation strategy, so often, talk therapy is just us rambling, discussing effects, not causes. But we don't know that, because we live below the veil. We are overwhelmed, over-give, have no clue how to self-care, feel stuck, and are often depressed, sad, and resentful, so we do what rational people do--we go into therapy.

Let's keep going, shall we...

What the Study Found

The honest sentiments from these 71 participants painted a painfully familiar picture. Childhood was full of:

Fear: “When’s the next blow-up?”
Shame: “If I were better, maybe they’d stop drinking.”
Sadness: “Why doesn’t anyone notice me?”
Disgust: “How can love feel this twisted?”

And no, they did not just feel this way on a bad day. These sentiments became the air they breathed. And as adults, these same participants reported struggling with:

Low self-esteem
Anxiety and depression
Difficulty regulating emotions
Distrust of others
Dysfunctional relationships

Sound familiar? Yeah. You’re not alone.

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Why Understanding the Truth About Growing Up With Alcoholism Matters

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The study confirms what so many of us know deep down: childhood emotional neglect and chaos get coded into the nervous system. The amygdala, your brain’s threat detector, doesn’t forget. The hippocampus, your memory vault, keeps pulling up the past to explain the present. And so even in adulthood, your brain is still scanning for danger that belongs to yesterday. Why? Because Dear One, prediction prevents distinction. Your brain is a prediction machine, designed to anticipate the next threat...so all that anxiety you've felt, and assumed meant you were crazy or broken? Nope...that was your brain and nervous system living in the past, keeping you on edge, nice and sharp, and way ahead of the potential next attack.

Translation? You can be 50 years old, standing in your own kitchen, with your nervous system still bracing for Dad to come home drunk and to prepare for what might happen next.

This is why codependency feels so automatic. Why you overgive. Why you apologize for things that aren’t your fault. Why you stay too long in relationships that mirror the chaos you swore you’d never repeat.

Dear One, hear me, you're not broken, just unaware, and missing some skills. Your nervous system adapted to the craziness of your home. When you grew up, and left, you took your nervous system with you.

The Hidden Cost of Growing Up Invisible
The saddest thread running through those 71 forum posts? Being unseen.Feeling invisible.

When you’re an ACoA, you learn early that your needs don’t matter. You parent your parents. You inhibit your natural impulse to cry, scream, or protest. You hold secrets. You smile to cover the shame. And eventually, you forget who you are.

This invisibility turns into self-abandonment. You become the fixer, the pleaser, the rescuer. Empathy for others, without boundaries, none left for yourself. People please over truth. Love others without self-love. Tell, speak, or feel the truth never. Fly away, suck it up, buttercup.

And here's the real boot to the teeth. If you’re not conscious of how invisible you feel, all of the patterns of self-abandonment, codependency, and need to feel seen attract people who lack true empathy like moths to a flame. Why? Because your lack of selfhood and overgiving without boundaries feels familiar to you, so no, Dear One. The selfless do not attract givers. Their internal compass attracts takers. Just remember, that's not your fault.

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A Poem for Adult Children of Alcoholics Struggling with Self Abandonment and Codependency

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Here's a poem I wrote from the sage within me to the uprising, healing adult child within you! I see you, and everything is going to be alright!

"Dissociate from the inner world, floating off into space,

Plastic smiles, slapped across your face.

Invisible to them and now even to you,

Fawning and freezing, the dance that you do.

An adult, yet still a babe in the woods,

Taught to deny the wounds from your childhood.

But truth, Dear One, it sets you free,

It's not bullshit, it's neuroplasticity.

In the night, while the world sleeps,

Heal your inner child, the weeds sown that now reap.

Yes, it's tough, and tears will flow,

But through the pain is how you'll grow.

Go within, detach from the crazy,

Miracles happen; you must refuse to be lazy.

All that you need to break through,

It's right there inside of you.

Stop seeking approval, stop trying to fix, and enable,

Let the chips fall, stay steady and stable.

When your nervous system screams for you to rush in,

Steady yourself, send your amygdala a grin.

Tell her your though,

You want to breakthrough.

Choose to be codependent no more,

Your nervous system needs to know you want more.

That's a wrap for this sage today,

Remember, creation begins with the words that you say.

The words in your head, you think others can't hear,

Don't be fooled, the universe hears loudly and clear.

Yes, There is GREAT News!
Here’s the hope: what was once wired can be rewired.

The study, while shedding light on invisible pain and unexperienced wounds, also revealed tremendous resilience. By naming the truth of their childhoods, those 71 people began reclaiming their voice. And neuroscience backs this up: metacognition (thinking about your own thinking), mindfulness, and boundary-building literally rewire the brain.

Every time you say, “It was never me, it was only my programming,” you weaken the old circuits and strengthen new ones. Every boundary you set, every moment you choose self-care over self-abandonment, every time you let someone’s anger be their responsibility and not your emergency, you, Dear One, you’re breaking the cycle. But go deep, so it sinks in really well! You have the power to rewire your nervous system if you commit to fine-tuning your thoughts and focus on alignment.

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The Hope for Adult Children!

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If you see yourself in those 71 voices, know this: you’re not broken. You’re coded. And codes can be rewritten.

Trauma is not the end. Trauma is the beginning.

The emotional hangover from growing up with alcoholism is real. But it doesn’t have to be permanent. With awareness, compassion, and consistent practice, you can unlearn survival mode and step into conscious-creation mode.

And maybe one day, someone will read your story and see that their own healing is possible too.

I chose to focus on inner child healing, breaking from codependency, and facing the adult child of an alcoholic issues head-on. It broke me wide open, had me dancing with some devils, but eventually that faint light within grew brighter until I found the road back to me.

Committing to looking within, although some days will bring you to your knees, hey, at least you'll discover why you hurt so much. Now that you know it was never you, but rather your brain and nervous system that kept you in predictable patterns, with this awareness, you have the power to break through and break free!

This work has been so profound that it nudged me to create The Conscious Healing Academy. So, yes, adult children develop incredible skills along the way, and especially the skill of resilience, which is essential for making dreams a reality.

We got this!

Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach

https://www.lisaaromano.com

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