Healing Codependency: The Path to Emotional LIberation

It's early, 4:21 am to be exact. My furry best friend, Alice, is lying opposite me, snoring as older dogs do, on my office couch. I am doing what I always do: organizing my mind, thoughts, and intentions early, before the default mode network of my mind tries to pull me into autopilot. Autopilot mode is wrought with early childhood conditioning, survival adaptations, rehearsed inner critic rants, and I have no desire to allow the past to control my now, or string together my future.

I know too much not to do this daily work.

This is the life of a conscious being, and I am not complaining. I am in complete awe of how miraculous this daily regimen affords a mere, flawed mortal such as myself, despite my sins and mistakes.

I have just done some reading from one of my favorite books, and it reminded me of just how stuck I once was, and how I know so many other good-hearted humans tend to be, sadly, all outside of their awareness.

Studies actually prove that most humans are not as self-aware as they presume they are, and in fact, those who claim to be self-aware are among the least self-aware. And I believe that had I participated in a similar study thirty years ago, I would have fallen into that category.

Once, I assumed that because I complained, I must be aware. Because I knew what and who caused me to be angry and who made me feel this way, indeed, I must be an aware person.

Imagine the humbling experience it was when, through a series of life-altering events, the unaware self in me was shaken with the truth; every emotion, thought, belief, opinion, behavior, and reaction was rooted in my subconscious, not my conscious mind.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh freaking my!

The Heave Ho

I used to say I wish I had taken a leap of faith without feeling like I had been shoved off the side of the mountain that had become my codependent marriage and repeat of my childhood life, but I am over that thinking.

I am just glad it happened.

I can say that now, all these years later, but at the time, it definitely felt like the walls were closing in, and a complete nervous breakdown was looming.

My Kids, the Leverage, the Hope, the Light

It's incredible what psychological leverage can do when it comes to making life-changing decisions necessary to heal your life and help bring about the life you've always desired, but never felt worthy of or lacked the life skills to bring about tangibly.

These are the kinds of decisions that throw you into the pit of all your childhood fears, such as facing your complete aloneness in a cruel world, while feeling abandoned, rejected, and abused by the very beings who should have protected you.

This type of psychological nakedness, once brought to conscious awareness, is akin to feeling about three years old while standing only a few feet from the mouth of a mystical dragon's fire-breath...

And only one who has gone this deep, into the recesses of the wounds and pain of their exiled inner child, can fully grasp just how terrifying that defining moment is.

However, if you know your why, courage comes from leverage.

Somehow, you can face the fire-breathing dragons in your mind, and the wolves in sheep's clothing that wish to blow your door down.

For me, that leverage was my children. By the time I came to grips with how unaware I had been living, it was just as obvious I had been modeling self abandonment, powerlessness, control, fear, insecurity, and utter codependent patterns for my three children during the entire stint of my first marriage, twelve years in total.

And that was the heave-ho, into the unknown, a wing and a prayer, hoping that somewhere, somehow, I would someday model something healthier than freaking codependency.

With enough leverage, we, incredible human beings endowed with the spirit of Source, God, or Higher Power, can do anything and endure almost any pain once we get out of our own way. And yes, if our intention is love, in time, so long as you don't give up, your life must improve!

The Codependent Blind Spot

Here's how tricky codependency is.

As I mentioned earlier, most people are not self-aware. They assume that the thoughts they think are current, and the result of what is happening now, and that Dear One is an illusion.

While most assume their opinions are objective, the truth is that each of us perceives life through a subjective lens. That's why someone can look up into the sky and see the magnificence of a storm cloud, and the natural laws behind it, and another can damn the clouds because they just had their car washed.

This is also why Bill could not care less if Mary does not text him back immediately, and why Sarah ruminates and obsesses over what she might have done wrong to make Mary not text her back pronto.

If you're like me, you've spent most of your life in worry like Sarah. However, hopefully, you are becoming increasingly aware of the power of a more organized mind.

And the blind spot I eventually discovered felt like a pitchfork to the eye!

Holy Hannah!

In my codependency, I focused on others. I was unaware that the wounded, innocent little girl that lived inside of me had been programmed to seek a sense of safety in managing the emotions, moods, actions, and opinions of others.

If you were okay, then the little girl in me was OK, even if taking care of you, meant abandoning me and put me at risk in some way.

Okay, ready?

If You Blink, You'll Miss It

Let me explain...

Codependency is an emotional blindness.

As adults, we fixate on others, and we remain blind to the self.

And in recovery, if we blink, we miss the opportunity to transform our lives for the long term.

Codependency was why I felt powerless, anxious, afraid, stuck, frustrated, and not good enough.

Even after years of therapy, those core wounds could not heal until I realized somehow I had to change the inner story I repeated inside my mind on autopilot.

Yes, it is true, being raised by teenage, unhealed, adult children of alcoholics who had been born in the 40's during great social unrest, into poverty, and instability, was the root of all of my adult problems. They were why I could not parent without fear, and why I trembled at the thought of a family member being displeased with me, and why I could not say no, even when I was ill, and standing on my last leg.

But it was when I realized that if I could somehow ease into a daily routine that focused on self love, feeling good enough, and gratitude for the little things, and the big things such as the fact that I woke up that morning and got to spend another day with my children, even if that meant we had to eat macaroni and cheese again, because I needed to ration money to pay the electric bill...this would be me breaking through codependency--an emotional reliance on something or someone outside of me for a sense of self, safety and trust.

If I could commit to that type of mindset and never give up...it would mean that I had overcome codependency because codependency, at its core, was me either behaving out of trauma that someone else caused, or me making excuses for why I could not ever feel enough and worthy of what I desired.

When I decided to stop seeking approval, when I decided to find at least one thing to be grateful for, especially when the wolves in sheep's clothing came and tried blowing down my door, that's when it felt like I was summoning the type of power that creates worlds...

And Dear One, that level of commitment stirred about twenty-five years ago--and I have never looked back.

Imagine You a Year From Now

If you have read this far, place your hand on your heart and say;

"I matter--I am enough--Lisa's message this morning is for me--If she can do it--I can too--because the same divine energy that flows through her flows through me--I want the next year to be the beginning of the best years of my life--and it does not matter what age I am currently--I must decide--and my leverage is my inner child--they will know safety--and protection...I will teach them about personal commitment--and I will, from this day forward, despite the challenges that come, find one grateful thing to become full of excitement about--I know this is me turning my ship out of the storm and toward the sun...I know this will take time--but hey, Rome was not built in a day, and my new life is worth waiting for...There is nothing I can not do, so long as I commit to breaking through all layers of codependency...I am enough because I Am...AMEN!"

As We End This Year, What Are You Being Called to Shed?

This year has been one of deep reconciliation and attunement. I feel a clear and undeniable pull to simplify both my personal and professional life.

Personally, this has meant spending far less time worrying about who or what I cannot change, fix, rescue, or control. It has required me to turn inward—perhaps even more than I already do—and to take honest accountability for what is not mine to manage.

It has meant allowing.
Allowing more and more.

Allowing our children, family, friends, and the outside forces beyond my control to be exactly what they are, with less interference and resistance from me. The codependent default mode part of me still wants to rescue, fix, and overcorrect—but the wiser part of me now knows to pause, observe, and let go.

In my work, this same call to simplify has been just as present. It has asked me to return to the basics—cleaning up my email lists, doing less on social media, and being far more present in what I choose to share. It has also meant loosening my attachment to analytics and refocusing on depth, meaning, and value in each offering.

This year has made it clear that I need to take greater responsibility for who I collaborate with, ensuring that those supporting this work are aligned with the care, intention, and integrity I want to bring to this community.

While this season has been personally and professionally challenging, as the year draws to a close, I can feel my spirit beginning to settle.

That settling feels like alignment.

And alignment feels like truth.

So no, I will not carry into the New Year, old rules of being, the kind that are represented by numbers, analytics, smiles, or frowns, for that matter.

And as social media, AI, and algorithms continue to shape, mode, record, and vomit back at us what we mere mortals feed it, it is a time for us all to become more aware of how the mind spits out only what it is fed.

As children, we had no choice.

Ad adults, life and death are in the power of the tongue, and what comes before the tongue is what is entertained on the plane of the conscious, creative mind.

Think well, Dear Ones, it is everything!

The power to change your life is within you!

Let no one fool you, ever!

All my love,

Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach

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