As children, many of us who experienced emotional neglect spent our days fantasizing about the perfect person who would rescue us from our toxic homes. We relied on these fantasies to help us get through a day, however, there are very real consequences to whimsical thinking.
While we were still unaware we were unaware, our brains and minds became attuned to thinking and believing in relationship dynamics that were built upon pain, immaturity, and fantasy.
Although imagining being rescued or being the rescuer helped to fill our depressed brains with fuzzy warm feeling hormones like oxytocin, on a very deep level, we were developing beliefs about how life should be.
As healing codependent adults, we need to be very careful about the way we perceive ourselves, others, and relationships.
We need to ask ourselves;
"Have I idealized this person and now, as the honeymoon period wears off, am I blaming this person for NOT sizing up to the fantasy version of this person I talked myself into...
Many people ask me about how to set boundaries. I am asked things like,
"How can I set a clear boundary with my mother-in-law?"
"How can I set a boundary with my children?"
"How can I set a boundary with my mother?"
The thing is, you cannot serve two masters.
Dear One, you HAVE to DECIDE. Will you serve others’s happiness or your OWN?
Will you serve to PLEASE others or will you learn to live to please your SELF?
Will you cater to the needs of OTHERS or will you learn to cater to your OWN needs?
Boundaries are misunderstood. Many of us think of boundaries and see lines in the sand or clear lines of demarcation. When we think of boundaries we see stop signs in our heads and sometimes feel this tightness in our chest. We associate boundaries with being tough and strong--and yet--boundaries are about being open, honest, kind, authentic and real.
You know that electric surge you feel go up to your spine when someone does something that ticks you off, or what about that tight feeling in...
Many of us grew up being shamed for wanting a connection and in our parent's twisted reality, this was seen as a bad or selfish desire.
All children deserve a connection and those who did not receive attention now struggle with trust issues, abandonment and attachment traumas.
If your parents understood the power of attention, you would not crave connection today, at least not in a codependent kind of way.
Many of us who crave connections in a codependent kind of way have been starved of affection, validation and healthy nurturing, and that is not our fault.
Be brave enough to see the truth and do all you can to give yourself all the love, affection and connection you always deserved.
You are enough!
Codependents are wounded and suffer from abandonment. We do not feel good enough and find ourselves tirelessly attending to the needs of others.
We do this to help us avoid our internal shame.
We do this in the hopes of gaining approval.
We do this to avoid feeling our own anxiety.
We do this to flee from our internal reality.
As children, we loved until it hurt only to discover no matter how deep we loved, it was not enough to gain the connections we needed.
Perhaps our parents were impossible to please.
Perhaps they were aloof.
Perhaps our parents were lost inside their own drama and trauma.
Perhaps our parents were immature.
Perhaps our parents were narcissistic.
Perhaps our parents were abusive.
Perhaps our parents were perfectionists.
Whatever the case, if you grew up feeling invisible chances are codependency has found its way into your thinking process and that is NOT your fault.
As we heal, Amy the amygdala learns to relax.
As we heal, the more logical parts of our brain come back online.
For years I ignored my body, my emotions, my spiritual, emotional, and mental self. I was unaware I was a reactive being and enmeshed with those around me. My moods, thoughts, and actions were the effects, and other people's moods, thoughts and actions were the cause.
Codependency recovery requires detachment and this process is anything but pleasant, easy, or quick.
Codependents struggle with knowing who they are.
We struggle with our identity and often tie our sense of self to how well we are able to gain validation and acceptance from others.
Our behaviors are co-dependent, reactive, and dependent upon how well we serve others. And when we do for others and fail to have others treat us as we unconsciously expected, our deepest abandonment wounds are triggered.
Our relationships are co-dependent and we fail to make ourselves a priority.
These days, I respect certain Codependency Commandments and I especially appreciate the importance of respecting my divine body.
I hope you are learning...
Healing from codependency and issues related to growing up the adult child of an alcoholic is not an easy thing to do. In order to resolve issues from the past, you have to learn to face the dragons within. These dragons are those associated with abandonment, fear, and rejection. Adult children of alcoholics grow up feeling like they are not enough. Their parent's addiction to alcohol trumps the emotional needs of the children in the home. When children grow up feeling invisible, their minds develop negative ideas about the self. To heal from the past, as an adult, you have to learn to address those fears head on, face them, and overcome them consciously.
Thank you for participating in The 12 Week Breakthrough Coaching Program and for being a ray of hope for others.
All humans desire intimacy, but the ego will trick you into believing what you want exists in the 3D world and unless you achieve it, you are unworthy, nothing, and invalid.
Until your higher self is permitted to be more of the thinker and observer in your life, your perceptions will be hijacked by the lower, wounded, more unaware mind.
The 3D world is full of temptation. We are tempted to cling, to run and to hide. We are tempted to attach, push away, and live in fear of what is happening outside of us, or we live clinging to what is happening outside of us, feeling pulled around by the energies of others.
Only when we create a relationship with our inner self and release our attachments to the outer world, can we ever hope to experience sacred intimacy with another.
Be silent...be still...breath deeply...try not to think...just feel and believe you are enough, battle scars and all...you are enough...
Since the beginning of time, you have been under the illusion that the love you seek...