There is nothing that upsets me or excites me more than an adult child of an alcoholic, or an adult child of a dysfunctional home who is on the cusp of being able to comprehend that he/she is NOT her thoughts.
When you are born to parents who cannot SEE you, who cannot HEAR you, who are unaware at how self absorbed they are--in relation to you--YOU never learn to be comfortable in your own skin. Because it is the absolute responsibility of the parent to instill within a child a sense of unconditional love and acceptance--children are not born knowing how to love self. In fact, children learn about their worth or lack of through their relationships with parents. If the parents are dysfunctional, then so will be the messages the child receives about self, others, the world, relationships and love.
As a Life Coach I have had to learn how to detach from the emotions that well up within me whenever a client opens up their heart and bestows me the honor of stepping inside their temple of...
If it is true that energy and matter can neither be created nor destroyed--then that means that at the exact moment of the Big Bang--all that would ever be--already was--and that includes you and me.
On my usual and routine hour long drive to work yesterday morning I was struck by the brilliance of the moon--as well as the thought above.
Along my road to emotional recovery there have been many times where I have wanted to dig my heels into the mud and exclaim, "This shit ain't fair, and somebody out there owes me." But as I continued along my journey I eventually pulled my wet emotional diapers off, and learned to accept that the world didn't owe me anything.
Although learning to let go of blaming others for why I felt so crappy was not an easy thing to do, in hindsight it was the most crucial step of my recovery. Standing in defiance of self reliance--never works out. Health is not possible without self responsibility as well as self accountability.
It still amazes me to ponder the...
As ACoA's and for those of us born to the self absorbed--we were so wrapped up trying to navigate our tiny beings through treacherous emotional terrain--that our emotional set point is one of fear.
As Adult children of alcoholics-we hate ourselves-because we never learned that we were enough. We never learned that we were enough-because our parents manipulated us in various ways-in order to get their narcissistic needs met. We were not 'real, or human or valid' in their eyes. Sadly, we were pawns expected purely to fulfill 'their' needs, and when we didn't--we were neglected, shunned, criticized, hit, scrutinized, labelled, ignored, or punished.
ACoA's are sensitive beings who received all the wrong messages about Self. It is not true that we are not enough. We were always enough-and we were always worthy. Unfortunately we were born into dysfunctional systems that programmed and conditioned us to believe we were unworthy of anything good.
Today, may you find the courage to confront...
Your son asked about you today,
I didn't know what to say.
Since the day you left, all we do is cry,
I still, don't understand why…
You should have held on, if not for you--then at least for me,
When you ended your life, you destroyed what was supposed to be…
Now your gone, and me and your son are left behind,
Peace--I am not sure---we'll ever find…
I know you were hurting, and in a dark place,
But you should have never given up--our son's tears I can't erase…
He begged you not to do it…He begged you to stay…
But you went ahead and left us behind anyway…
I can't help but see your eyes in his baby blues,
Or hate you just a little, for what he'll have to face because of what you couldn't do…
Its so hard--and now you'll never know,
What its like to hate the one you loved--for letting go…
When you ended your life…you killed a part of me--
And now I wonder will our son ever...
As a lover of recovery--I am thankful that I have lived long enough to learn to appreciate the power of consistency. Aging has graced me with more than just crows feet.
I have learned to appreciate the need for grounding myself at the beginning of each new day. Once, I was but a feather in the wind, believing myself to be little more than a victim of all things including mother nature. Today however, I am humbled by my past ignorances.
It is not enough to complain about anything. Complaining--implies one believes oneself to be a victim to whatever emotion or circumstance one finds oneself in. Many years into my recovery, I have learned that I was always in the cockpit. Once, I was just unaware.
I get it now--or at least for now at this stage of my awareness--I think I do; God is all that is--and that includes the 'thing' that I am.
This concept begs for the answer to the question then, "What then, am I?"
Years of quiet thoughts spoken only in the isolated chambers of my mind have...
Its not easy to love someone who is choosing to hurt themselves. When the one we love is using alcohol, heroin or other forms of chemicals to escape the emotional and physical consequences of reality it is not difficult to identify what needs to get addressed. In the case of drug and or alcohol addiction it is obvious that dependency is the issue. In these cases, the family of the addicted has a place to turn. There are innumerable support groups for family members who are dealing with chemical dependent loved ones.
But what happens when the one we love is addicted to a toxic relationship?
Where do we turn, the loved ones of the family member who is losing their Self to a manipulating other?
In this case, its not so easy to let go.
In my case, I have discovered that the same rules must apply.
Loving family members who consistently involve themselves with dysfunctional others--is very similar to loving someone who is drug addicted. No matter how hard you try to save them-they end up...
As an adult child of an alcoholic, you are probably struggling with various emotional issues. Very often unaware adult children of alcoholics do not even realize that the drama they are facing in their everyday lives is controllable.
"What?" I hear you, my dear reader ask. "These dramas are happening to me. I am not in control over this lunacy," I hear you thinking.
For many years I too believed that the chaos that surrounded me was mayhem I could not control. From my unawakened perspective, I was in fact the victim. In my zombie like mind I was the one who was doing everything right. It was all of 'those other people' in my life that were screwed up. It was never me. If I felt angry, enraged or sad, it was because of something someone else had said or done. My thought process had me blaming everyone else for why I felt the way I felt--or for why I could not move forward in various areas of my life.
I have learned to understand that pain is one of life's greatest teachers. Like...
For the bulk of my life I was confused about where I stood in relation to others. My very strict Roman Catholic upbringing had me feeling cursed from day one. Born a sinner I (or so I was told) my tiny soul felt as if love was something I needed to prove myself worthy of. On days when I hoped God was napping, I would allow my mind to wander.
"Is it my fault I am human?" I would wonder, hoping God could not hear my inner thoughts.
Back when I was a child, God, Jesus, Christ--you name it--was used against me like one would use a stun gun to control a being into line. I was taught to fear God like He was the boogie man. "God can hear your every thought and see your every move. You better have pure thoughts or God will punish you and you might go to hell when you die," I was told, in overt as well as covert ways.
The message was clear. Fear God, fear your parents, fear what others think of you, fear not being perfect, fear not being good enough, feel guilty because God sent His only Son...
If you are an adult child from a dysfunctional home, whether the tool of dysfunction used was alcohol, emotional manipulation, guilt, shame or physical or sexual abuse--as an adult today, you may have a tough time getting out of your head.
Why? Why is it that so many of us who felt so pained as children have such a hard time getting ourselves involved with others in an intimate way?
So many of us struggle with intimacy today because our first experiences with love were so painful. We have been programmed and conditioned to fear being loved by others, as well as fear loving others. Our unconscious mind has us hard-wired to fear to let down our shield--the one that we can feel but cannot see--but that others can feel as well. The one that says, "It is safer to give than to expect to be given to," which of course keeps us spiritually and emotionally malnourished (unconsciously of course).
When an innocent child experiences emotional estrangement from the very beings that brought them...
When I was going through my recovery process, initially I attended 12 step programs to help me stay aware. At first I thought this was a really good idea, but the more meetings I attended the more I realized they were not for me.
Although I do firmly believe some people benefit tremendously from 12 step meetings, there are those of us who simply do not.
For all of you adult children of alcoholics, as well as grandchildren of alcoholics--and least we not forget our brothers and sisters who were born to 'dry' dysfunctional parents--this post is for you!
Coming Out Of The Closet
My mission in life is to bring as many ACoA's as well as any adult children of the dysfunctional who were born to emotional vampires--and were turned into zombies--by nonsensical parenting--out of the damn closet!
We have done nothing wrong!
Yes, certainly group meetings are intended to be safe places where attendees can share their laundry lists without the fear of other members spreading their personal...