I remember the moment a female judge told me that what my ex did with our kids when they were not with me was none of my business.
In that moment, you could have knocked me off my feet with a feather.
I recall my mind buzzing like I a nest of bees had crawled into my ears. What the hell was this crazy lady saying to me right now? I could not grasp the idea that I had ZERO control over how my ex treated my kids when they were not with me, nor, according to this judge, should I even care. It was simply NONE of my business according to her, unless he was inducing some type of physical harm.
Although I wanted the judge to consider the way my ex spoke to the children; how he triangulated, played the poor guy and consistently did all he could to get our children to worry more about him than he worried about them, she refused to budge. Unless the ex was physically hurting the kids, what happened when they were in his care was none of my business, so said the law.
My entire life was about...
Vince Lombardi has stated, “The greatest accomplishment is not in never failing, but in rising again after you fall.”
Abused adult children are terrified of appearing NOT perfect. TOXIC shame is at the core of our fear of feeling vulnerable and until we reconcile our humanness and understand that there is NO joy in never having to accomplish anything, we may stuck in cycles of self-sabotaging behaviors.
It takes WARRIOR like strength to put yourself out there and believe in a dream, especially when you come up against those who find joy in kicking you when you are down.
We win when we rise regardless of the cacklers in our midst and the bruises on our knees.
Have you been kicked while down and did you decide to rise again?
Lions and tigers and bears OH MY!
Generally speaking, the narcissist and codependent have grown up feeling abandoned, rejected, unloved, and unwanted. Both have internalized abandonment and carry this internalization of such experiences as shame. The codependent is the one who has figured out that by acquiescing, people-pleasing, fawning, rescuing, and by suppressing one's needs they are able to avoid either additional abandonment or criticism. The narcissist, however, was unable to find ways to gain any sort of approval or reprieve from the experiences they were born into. No matter what the narcissist did, relief, acceptance, love, happiness, attachment, and joy never came.
Codependents LOVE to rescue and fix people. We have never learned to believe that we are enough just as we are. Healthy people might not want us, we think, but perhaps a wounded duck might! In fact, codependent people will attract the most wounded, unstable personality in a room full of healthy others!...
Dear Ones, I vow to you today and always, to do what I can to keep my vibrations high.
It is not uncommon for abused adult children to put someone they know on a pedestal. Often those of us who have experienced childhood trauma, attach ourselves to best friends, people, lovers, spouses, and alike, and place all our dreams upon these ‘others.’ On some level, we are escaping the abyss our abandonment trauma has left in its wake by making someone else or something our external higher power. This friend, we think, shall help us avoid the pain we know lurks within our soul. We become ATTACHED and live in FEAR that the relationship one day may possibly end, although we may never consciously acknowledge that this is true.
This type of codependency only reinforces our lack of self-love. Whenever we make someone else our god, savior or rescuer, we are turning away from the DIVINE SOURCE within us. When we ATTACH to someone outside of us, in an attempt to avoid our abandonment trauma, we unknowingly place unrealistic expectations upon them. We unconsciously wish for...
When I was a young wife, I prided myself on keeping a clean home, cooking my husband’s favorite meals, taking care of the kids, managing our family business, mowing the lawn, shoveling the snow, balancing the checkbook, paying the bills, and taking care of just about every aspect of our family’s life.
Rarely did I get a good night’s sleep or spend time alone with my friends. Never did I dare get a massage, manicure or pedicure. I was too good of a mom to dare think about my needs over the needs of my family, or at least that was my frigged up perception of self-care at the time.
OH BOY—since then, I have learned a thing or two—thank heaven!
You see, before I began my recovery journey, I didn’t need anybody and I didn’t want anyone to think I needed them.
After over a decade of me trying to be Super Woman, and the desire to be the fixer upper for my family had worn me thin, I was DONE! Not only was I done, I was pissed off, resentful, angry,...
‘SHOULDS’. ‘Lisa, you should be ashamed of yourself. Lisa, you should be nice. Lisa, you should be kinder. Lisa, you should not be so angry. Lisa, you should go to church every Sunday. Lisa, you should donate more time. Lisa, you should not feel that way. Lisa, you should take care of her. Lisa, you should not do that. Lisa, you should have just said it this way not that way.’
Blah blah blah blah frickin’ blah!
And you know what happened as a result, I grew up with that faulty programming and I used the word SHOULD on my kids, my ex, my friends, and just about anyone I knew.
‘You know what you should do…’
‘You know you should have done this, not that…’
‘You should tell him…’
‘You should tell her she should…’
What goes in comes out—and when SHOULDS go in SHOULDS come out.
There is ZERO recovery without ACCOUNTABILITY and HUMILITY. We can spend three decades in therapy and hundreds...
Vincent Van Gogh has stated, “Great things are done by a series of small things brought together.”
The brain processes information in a linear fashion; up, down, left, right, good, bad, black, white, and yet, we are so much more than what our linear brain thinks we are.
At your core, you are a pure band of light, and so is all that is. Incredible, really, to realize that we are all pure ENERGY in spite of the labels others, as well as ourselves have chosen to slap upon our foreheads.
Words can build or they can destroy and INTENTIONS are the wings upon which creation or destruction are seeded out into the universe.
EVERY thought we think carries a specific frequency, and like all energy that bathes in a field of other energies, frequencies create ripple effects in the oceans of cosmic stuff we share space and time with. Right now, in this precise moment, even though you cannot see them, your body is emitting particular wavelengths of energy.
What does this have to do...
We may think that what hurts us most are the experiences we experienced as children we were not able to process, integrate, or understand. However, what hurts a child the most is having a painful experience ignored, denied, or marginalized by the caretakers they adore, respect, love, and need to survive.
It is normal for the mind to wish to flee from painful memories and to even panic when bodily sensations surface in response to a pain-filled recalled memory. However, recoiling keeps us stuck in the amygdala living in fear and afraid of our thoughts.
Learning to sit with our pain is a new experience for many of us and mastering our minds to the point where we can observe our racing heart and our scattered thoughts is a spiritual practice.
The brain, mind, and body will do what it was designed to do and that is alright...the fight or flight system is nothing to fear, however, it should be understood.
Learn to observe your scattered thoughts, racing heart, and bodily sensations...