Not everyone knows how to feel a feeling
Not everyone knows how to feel a feeling, label it, process it, run it through a logical filter and ask themselves, questions like, "Why do I feel this way? What can I control? What can't I control? What can I do about the way I feel? Who do I need to talk to about this?"
My favorite round of questions goes like this, "Is what I am feeling related to facts, ego, disappointment, loss, anxiety, or the fear of the unknown?"
We are ALL emotional but not all of us know how to be vulnerable enough to acknowledge our fears, concerns, anxieties, or worries, or how to express them fairly with others. Not all of us know that it is perfectly normal to feel a feeling and chew on it rather than regurgitate it or pretend the feeling doesn't exist at all.
When we are raised by emotionally avoidant others, or we marry those who have trouble accessing and sharing their emotions, it is not uncommon to feel abandoned by the people we desire to feel deeply bonded with.
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Childhood trauma wires our brains for survival
Children feel and become one with their emotions and until we understand HOW to observe an emotion, many of us stay as small children, stuck within our reactive minds, and unable to TAME our instinctive and often primal energies.
It is wonderful to feel, but it is not enough!
If a narcissist feels, they react to their emotions and look to retaliate, blame, accuse, shame, and guilt their target. Someone who is highly narcissistic lacks self-awareness, as well as the desire to PAUSE and MANAGE the ego.
While it is normal to experience an emotion and then to have a somatic response to an emotion, it is not enough to NOT think about the way you feel, or how emotion has impacted and triggered primal egoic reactions within you.
Childhood trauma wires our brains for survival. If you are a victim of emotional neglect and abuse, you may have developed a heightened stress response system, and that is not your fault.
As adults, the aim is to learn to sit,...
When you love a narcissist, there is no place in your life that feels safe.
If you study narcissists near or far, one thing you learn is that they can tend to be predictable. This awareness, however, remains unknown to the victim who is being abused from all sides and from everywhere.
Narcissistic abuse is unlike a fallout with a friend who was having a bad day and said some pretty gnarly things about you in a fit of anger. Things like this happen from time to time and although they are not pleasant, the reality is we all have bad days, bad moments and can react when highly emotional. If you have a strong friendship, you and your friend will be able to talk things out. You will feel seen, understood and your friend will do all they can to never get that far out of control again. In essence, this fallout was a one time deal and the resolution was quick.
Not so when you are dealing with a narcissist whose agenda it becomes to ANNIHILATE you on all fronts. There is NO SUCH THING as a one-time event with a narcissist. It is ongoing abuse, a...
Codependency in a nutshell
When I did not know I was externally focused and detached from the self, I felt like I was going crazy. I kept doing for others what I thought a 'good' person should do, and yet, within me, I felt lonelier and grew angrier as time went on.
I had no idea I was unconscious and living my life below a gossamer veil, through an ego that had no other choice but to run on auto-pilot. I had no awareness of authentic self-awareness and like a puppy, I spent my days seeking a pat on the head, or the right to go for a walk outside.
Hell yes, I was angry, frustrated, and resentful. I lived with someone who felt like he was superior to me and that I absolutely SHOULD cater, fawn, and subjugate my needs for his. Like a hand in a glove, my unconsciousness felt like a perfect fit for someone who was as unconscious as I was, and who needed to covertly control our relationship, in spite of how big my mouth was.
Codependents complain, but they rarely end toxic relationships. In...
Have you ever been too loyal?
When you are codependent, you don't always know that there is data missing in your subconscious mind that will prevent you from acknowledging toxic relationships and people for what they really are.
When you are codependent you don't know that there are TOOLS missing from your shed. You're like a farmer that knows nothing about tractors and cuts their hay with scissors from the kitchen drawer. You don't know what you don't know. You don't understand what you never learned. You do what you've always done.
When you are codependent, you fear abandonment, seek connection, and are often loyal to a detriment of your own. You don't recognize you are in danger and sadly, often, you do all you can to keep toxic others calm, content, happy, and do all you can to make sure they have nothing to complain about.
All the while, you lose yourself more a little each day.
Have you ever been too loyal?
Narcissists and Hoovering
The #1 way to get narcissists out of your life is to STOP seeking approval, permission, and acceptance from others.
It is really difficult to walk by faith and not by sight when you have been raised to feel like you are not good enough. The inner child within you will continue to seek bonds and connections to others, even to your own detriment UNTIL you awaken and finally start seeing that it is not you -- it is only your programming.
Your heart is GOLD and there are people out there who will think nothing of playing with your emotions. There are people who will exploit you, and play mind games. Okay, fine...so there are people out there who lack empathy and are not serious when it comes to relationships...well...those people need people who are the same wavelength. What they don't deserve are those who can and are willing to participate wholeheartedly in a committed relationship.
The next time someone throws you away, pay attention. And when and if they...
Outsmart a Narcissist
When dealing with someone with high narcissistic traits, it can be awfully tempting to defend, lash out, and even fall apart after having to interact with them. Some of the telltale signs you're dealing with a narcissist reveal themselves in how you feel when you are with them and how you feel once they are gone.
When in the presence of someone toxic, you may feel on guard, hypervigilant, fearful, and as if you need to walk around on eggshells. If the narcissist is accusatory, you may feel confused and experience brain fog. You may find your thoughts trapped within a maze of ricocheting thoughts and discover you are experiencing an intense need to escape asap.
When you are away from someone who is highly narcissistic, you will feel drained and relieved you are no longer in the presence of someone who needs to be right, make others wrong, and who needs to believe in their superiority over you in order to feel in control of their emotions.
In lots of cases,...
What to look for in relationships
Healthy Relationship Signs
If you were raised in a home where wounds were created daily and exploited often, and you are on a quest to find a healthy relationship as an adult today, you may be looking out for danger signs, without paying attention to healthy signs.
The Fear of Intimacy
Abused adult children can spend their lives in fear of becoming hurt inside relationship dynamics. We can fear intimacy, vulnerability and tone ourselves down. On the flip side, we can be too open too soon, and expose our deepest and most wounded parts of ourselves without building faith in the other person first.
Children in Adult Bodies
We are children in adult bodies and often do not realize that our fears as well as hopes are driving our emotions and behaviors. For these reason, when we are unaware we are unaware, we don't always make the most sound choices when it comes to choosing partners or friends.
What Does Your Healthy Relationship Look Like
If you are on...
Narcissists & Boundaries
Narcissists and Boundaries
Someone who loves you, cares about you and actually wants to know how you REALLY feel, welcomes open communication. Someone who is mature, has your back and can experience you as a 3D autonomous being WANTS to know how you experience the world.
However, when faced with needing to set boundaries with narcissists, this is not the case.
- Narcissists will find ways to punish you for daring to set boundaries.
- They are angered by your desire to have an open dialogue.
- They are resentful that you dare to suggest they've crossed a line and how you feel never crosses their mind.
Overt Narcissist
Overt narcissists are easier to spot. They will bully you, verbally abuse you, demean you and treat you unkindly and often, openly in front of others.
Covert Narcissist
Covert narcissists however, find other ways to show their hidden rage, aggression, and resentments. When dealing with covert narcissists, you will need...
What The Hell Is Codependency?
Over the years the term codependency has taken on many meanings. Originally the term was coined to describe the partners and family members of alcoholics. Counselors noted that family members of the self absorbed alcoholics presented with similar symptoms. Spouses generally catered to the needs of the alcoholic, while ignoring needs of their own. As time has passed the term 'codependency' has truly evolved. We now understand this term in much greater detail, and with these new understandings come much awaited emotional relief.
YOU'RE NOT CRAZY
When I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown, it was complete terror that drove me to a therapists office. I was stunned yet relieved when he said, "Well, you're not crazy, but you are codependent." My mind swirled with, "Wait what? I am not married to an alcoholic. How can this diagnosis fit?"
With absolutely nowhere else to turn, I delve into learning all I could about the term 'codependency'. What I learned altered the course...
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