May 14, 2024

5 Key Phrases To Shut Down A Narcissist & Reclaim Your Control

by Lisa A. Romano

#codependency #narcissist boundaries codependent empath narcissist control gaslighting manipulation validation

A YouTube viewer said to me: 

"Lisa, I live with a narcissist. Can you give me a couple of key phrases that I can use to push him off balance?

And I thought sure, I could give you some of the key phrases that I've used during my life but before I do, I want to make clear right now that we cannot control someone else's reality. We don't have the right to control someone else's reality. We don't have the power to control someone else's reality.

We have to work very hard at changing our programming because what we don't understand is that very often we're upset because someone else has a perception of us that we're uncomfortable with. So we challenge that person's perception of us. We're upset that people think this about us. But something amazing happens when you begin to accept that other people are allowed to have their own faulty perception of you.

Now, let me get to the key phrases that I would like you to start experimenting with because I think there's so much fun once you start using them and you see how you can push a narcissist!

#1 The first one is ––"I'm sorry you feel that way."
Imagine what happens when you are dealing with a narcissist who is saying, "I know why you did that" and "I know why you said that" because narcissists think they know everything. They think they know exactly why you did what you did. So imagine what happens inside a narcissist's head when you can come back with, "I'm sorry you feel that way"... that completely throws them off balance!

To engage you they're trying to get you to defend yourself. But when you just stand there and understand they have a right to see you the way they want to and you can't control it, you can calmly come back with, "I'm sorry you feel that way"... What happens when you respond with this is you are disarming him or her and you are disentangling yourself from this dynamic that is going to go nowhere.

#2 Another fabulous thing that I like to say to disarm a narcissist is, "I can accept your faulty perception of me." 
It is absolutely phenomenal when you announce to a narcissist that you are acknowledging that they have this weird whacky perception of you and you can accept it. By doing this, you are cutting the psychic cords to this narcissist and you're letting him or her know that you're not going to be manipulated.

#3 The third thing that I like to say if I ever have an exchange with a narcissist is, "I have no right to control how you see me."
It's very much like I can accept your faulty perception of me but when you say, "I have no right to control how you see me", you're actually acknowledging that they see you in a way that you don't agree with but you're okay with that. Imagine if a narcissist has a hook inside of you ,you're actually saying, I have no right to control how you see me... You're allowed to see me any way you want. You see, we get caught up because we hear what the narcissist is saying or they rewrite history or they gaslight us. They tell us that we didn't hear what we heard or they didn't do what they did and when we finally start saying well I have no right to control how you see me or I have no right to control your perception of this situation, you're actually telling the narcissist that you're not interested in engaging in this warfare and what they think is totally fine.

#4 The fourth thing key phrase that I like to use on a narcissist is, "I guess I have to accept that that's how you feel".
You see it's all about accepting and allowing this person to be who they are and accepting and allowing this person's perception of you even though it bothers you. Even though it hurts like hell, when you send the clear message to a narcissist that you accept how they feel or that they're entitled to their reality, when you start using key phrases like this the message to the narcissist is –– Uh-oh she's not willing to play the game.

#5 The fifth key phrase that I like to use on a narcissist is, "Your anger is not my responsibility".
The reason that's so important is because so many times a narcissist will attract an empathic person, male or female, and normally a codependent person... someone who is seeking validation from outside of themselves. Narcissists seek power and control and on a superficial level that might look like validation but I still think they're actually looking for power and control. They feel validated by the other person when they can manipulate and control them and codependence means seeking validation. So it's a beautiful blend. It's a hand in a glove. A narcissist and a codependent or a narcissist and an empath. You know in these dynamics there's only room for oneself and that's the self of the narcissist. Both people are focused on the one person which is the narcissist. The codependent or empath is worried about the narcissist, and the narcissist is worried about the narcissist. What makes matters worse is that the codependents and empaths are afraid to make people angry and narcissists know this. That's why they get loud, and that's why they will shut down, and that's why they'll ignore us, and that's why they'll withhold from us. They know all too well that as a codependent and an empath, we need to feel that connection. So when you say things like, "You're allowed to feel what you feel", "You're entitled to see me how you want", and "Your anger is not my responsibility"... you're letting the narcissist know that you're not going to allow the fear of what they think about you to control you anymore. And that is powerful. 

Those are the five key phrases that I want you to really practice, and take home, and write down in your journal, and practice them, and practice them, and practice them. Say them out loud. You know, so that it begins to fall off your lips. Allow people to be who they are, even the narcissists in your life. That doesn't mean that you have to engage them. It doesn't mean that you have to give them any space in your head.

The narcissist can stay here, and you can stay there, and the narcissist can say what he wants, and you can stay here and hold onto yourself. You don't have to be manipulated anymore. You don't have to engage if you don't want to.

I hope these key phrases have helped you... I bow to the love and the light in you.

Remember that there is a divine light inside of you and there's a divine light in everybody, but not everybody has that light turned on and you need conscious and deliberate free will and thought to turn the light on in yourself. And if other people aren't turned that light on, we have to accept that and we have to lift them up in our own thoughts and then let them go. In love and light and raise them up. And then we have to focus on ourselves and we have to transform these thoughts in our head until they're in alignment with non-resistance and love and light. That's what we have to do. And it's not easy, but it can be done. I bow to the love and the light that is absolutely in you.

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