May 25, 2018

Why We Adult Children of Alcoholics Hate Our Selves--and Secretly Believe We Will Never Be Enough

by Lisa A. Romano

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As a Life Coach, Mentor, Consultant but primarily ADVOCATE for adult children of alcoholics, I understand all too well the silent ills that can plague the mind of a being who has been conditioned to believe that the very essence of who they are--is unworthy.

Every single one of us--including YOU the entity reading and translating the little letters on this page was born perfect, worthy and yes dear one--even ENOUGH!

But what happened?

Why have so many of us gone astray?

How is it--if you and I were born worthy--that we can feel so empty and lost on the inside?

Take a deep breath, perhaps grab a cup of tea--and allow your mind to absorb the information you are about to take in. You may have to read this article and others like it many times over before the wisdom is able to be absorbed by your very tattered mind. This is not your fault. Your mind has been programmed to not only reject information about the validity of your soul--but it has been taught to NOT trust the very emotions you feel.

That's are on a path to self discovery--and in time--if you never give up--you will reach the promised land dear one.

Why Do Adult Children of Alcoholics Hate Themselves?

ACoA's don't have the market cornered on self hate. Many beings today who have had dry parents hate themselves as well. If you have been raised by an emotionally manipulative parent--chances are you share the same wounds as any adult child of an alcoholic.


The answer to the above question is not very tidy. In fact its messy as hell!

And the reality is--that is exactly how we feel inside--where no one else can see. We emotionally neglected beings feel--messy--unkempt--powerless--invalid--broken--and live our lives feeling like fakes or phonies because we know how put together we look from the outside. On some intuitive level we are well aware that we are not being authentic, and to make matters worse--we hate ourselves for feeling disingenuous too!

We ACoA's can't seem to catch a break and the harder we try--the worse it seems to get.

And this is part of WHY we ACoA's hate our Selves. We realize that the harder we try to please everybody else--the worse we feel--and the more complicated our worlds become.

Let's break it down;

We ACoA's and emotionally manipulated children of unaware caretakers hate self because no one ever took the time to tell us we were good enough.

Children absolutely NEED to be told by others from the outside that they are 'good' 'good enough' and when a child does not receive that 'input or data' the child's brain (computer) does not contain the data the inner being needs to form a solid sense of Self. Without being told, or without 'feeling' accepted, validated, and unconditionally loved by others--and especially by mother and father--the child does not have the data he/she requires to love Self.

What Happens When A Child Does Not Receive the Message (data) From Parents That He/She Is Enough?

Children think in black and white, so if little Tommy never received the data from mom and dad that impressed him with the idea that HE as a being (as a Self) is good--then he will sadly presume he is bad. And because ALL children are feeling beings--the impressions felt by little Tommy--will imprint his very absorbable and learning brain with the unconscious belief that HE as a being is not enough. This unconscious 'hunch, feeling, sense' is the fragile foundation upon all future life decisions.

From the above standpoint it is not so difficult to comprehend why so many adult ACoA's struggle with depression, anxiety, and feelings of being overwhelmed.

It is like we live with a ghost in our soul that causes us to fear everything--even our own natural impulses.

It makes for quite a difficult and lonely existence.

The Upside

Yes dear ones there is an upside to being raised by emotionally manipulative people. Because you have been so disregarded, you have a great desire for love! Your desire for love and acceptance is far greater than a being who has always felt loved, and while this may sound a bit Suzy Sunshine-ish--it's true.

My experiences as a child impressed me with a lot more than feelings of unworthiness. My experiences also impressed me with a tremendous desire to help others learn how to rewire their brains so that they can live more emotionally free lives. Because of my experiences I am who I am, helping other struggling emotionally wounded adult children from all over the world.

Yes, I was born an underdog--but there is great, great glory whenever I am able to help another underdog learn how to heal the past--make peace with the present--and yet--become hopeful about tomorrow.

You are all loved--and of course--LOVABLE even if no one ever told you that!