For a very long time, I was angry, frustrated, depressed, and resentful. As Melody Beattie once described, it was like the pendulum within me flew to the opposite side of people-pleasing.
Forgiving a narcissist or someone with high narcissistic traits is NOT an easy thing to do. And when you struggle with codependency, because you have a limited sense of autonomy, it is hard enough holding onto anger let alone any other emotion. Those of us who have begged narcissistic others for validation have been abused to our core. Once there is nothing left to give, anger becomes a liferaft.
By the time I figured out what was wrong was faulty programming that had lead to codependent behaviors and language patterns that were all unconscious, I was a mess. Barely holding on, I was like an infected big toe. If the wind blew, I hurt. 😔
For years, I held onto anger and resentment and for a time, being able to connect with anger allowed me to defend myself from what seemed to be soldiers of persecution. If I was not angry, and if I succumbed to my depression and fears, I would never have been able to push through my divorce and get to the other side.
At one point, however, I realized the energetic angry bombs I had used to help me get through my divorce, were still in my energetic field. I knew I had to start learning about forgiveness.
There was a time I was highly triggered when anyone said to me, "Lisa, friggin' let this shit go already." I would think, "Let go? Let go of the lies, the smear campaigns, the threats, the stalking, the persecution, the deliberate stone-walling, financial abuse and more?"
Once, I would have been highly, highly triggered by anyone that dare I drop my shield and expose myself to additional threats. Like a lobster's thick red shell, my anger made me feel safe and like if I got attacked, I'd be ready to attack back.
Over the years, I now understand that forgiveness is NOT done for the abuser as much as it can be and should be offered for the victim. But here's the rub, no one can tell us when to crawl out of that old shell and NO ONE has the right to.
For today, just know that forgiveness is a gift of GRACE you learn to offer yourself. It may not be today, but someday, it may be time to ask your divine self, "What energies am I holding that no longer serve my conscious or spiritual evolution?"
The answers will come--as long as you keep walking UP the emotional, mental, vibrational, and spiritual ladder.
Grace is a miraculous thing--and it is an experience we have the ability to offer ourselves.
Don't judge yourself if you NEED to hold onto anger right now. I know I ABSOLUTELY needed to be angry at times because if I hadn't been, the things that were being said and done by the people I loved would have caused me to BREAK and IMPLODE.
I get the need to hold onto anger--but I have also learned to understand the beauty of transmuting the energy of anger into something beautiful, tender, spiritual, and miraculous.
That's all--just know that one day--it may serve you to transcend ANY energy that weighs your spirit down.
Grace to you today and always Dear Ones!
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