The only thing we can create are those things we believe in and the opposite is true as well.
No one can create what they do not believe is possible to create.
When I think about my mom, who spent over 50 years appeasing a narcissist whose agenda it was to keep her small, afraid, in check, and to himself, a fire ignites in the pit of my soul.
When I think about the sexual abuse my mother endured as a child, and how it was never spoken about, my teeth clench.
When I think about my mother's father domestically abusing my grandmother, I have to close my eyes and take deep breaths.
When I think about my grandmother showing up drunk and with a wet head, with mascara dripping down her face at my mother's wedding, I have to try not to crawl out of my skin.
When I think about my mother's last year of life, and I remember the callous ways in which my father spoke to her, and I recall the words he used to describe how angry he was with her dementia, I want to scream--and some days I do.
When I think about my mother, who quite frankly, never had a chance, and I consider the oppression she was born into and lived with married to my denial based, narcissistic father, and I allow myself to tap into the sadness that I feel when I consider how much pain she endured--all I can do is cry.
Whether I like it or not, my mother's consciousness about her self, her worth, her rights, and her abilities to live an amazing life were limited.
My mother did not believe she deserved better than my father.
She believed he was far better than her own and in many ways he was.
She did not believe she could make it on her own, although she is the one who kept our family afloat when my father decided NOT to keep his business going.
She did not believe she was beautiful, smart, interesting, or clever enough to ever attract the job she truly desired, although every job my mother ever had she excelled at.
My mother truly believed it was her job to keep my father happy, which most likely helped kill her.
My mother had no right to her own mind or her own emotions. Every thought that filtered through her mind had to filter through the "but what would my husband think?" filter.
Over the years, my siblings and I watched as my mother's cognitive abilities declined. Every conversation I had with her on the phone was a conversation I also had with my father. He was NEVER far behind and my mother knew what she could say and could not.
My mother did NOT deserve the childhood she experienced nor did she deserve to live a life under the thumb of my narcissistic father. BUT, unless SHE believed that, there was nothing I could do to help her but meditate and pray for her awakening.
My mother died on my birthday last year. An angel statue sits on my desk as a remembrance not only for her but for ALL OF US who have ever given up our rights to CREATE the life we DESERVED because our consciousnesses were hijacked by childhood experiences we were powerless to change.
She died never understanding just how her childhood impacted her ability to live the life she deserved and it is my goal to do what I can to make sure the work that I do helps inspire people to make different choices than she did.
My mother was too ill by the time she understood she could have made different choices.
When our childhoods have taught us to limit our desires and our worth, our consciousness has been limited. To manifest what we desire and deserve requires us to confront those limitations--which is something a controlling narcissist never wants a codependent to do.
To heal from codependency we must reprogram the mind. We must reprogram the mind with beliefs and thoughts that challenge the illusions that codependent thinking truly is.
To learn more about my online Healing the Codependent Mind Coaching Program please click here
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