Jun 25, 2019

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery-Ask Better Questions

by Lisa A. Romano

codependency recovery narcissistic abuse recovery trauma triggers

Narcissistic Abuse Survivor-Do you ever ask yourself these questions?

Why is she narcissistic?
Why can't he just love me?
Why did he say that?
Why does she keep cheating on me?
Why doesn't he just stop and listen to me?
Why can't she just stop triangulating and just admit that she is wrong?

If you do, you're normal and just like the rest of us who are simply trying to understand abusive, unfair, dysfunctional behavior.

But here's the thing. Your power is NOT outside of you, so asking questions about other people's abusive behavior is NEVER going to get you the answers or the peace you seek by asking them. The reality is, there is NO good reason to ever abuse anyone so even if you got your answers, they would not stop the abuse anyway.

Ask Better Questions

It is so freaking hard to STOP 🛑 asking the wrong questions and to start asking the right ones. It means we must end looking outside of ourselves and begin looking inside of ourselves.


Inside is where we hold all our crap like our shame, fears, self-doubt, self-loathing, and guilt. Going inside is like walking into a minefield. Not only is it terrifying, but we also don't generally have the life skills or the tools to know HOW TO deal with our suffocating emotions when we do finally meet up with them.

Lions and tigers and bears oh my!!!!!

When we ask the types of questions below, we are on the brink of discovering where our true power lies. The goal is to find ways to clear out the old energies, negative thoughts, and faulty beliefs so we can create new and healthier ideas that net us the results we desire. 

  • Why does this person trigger me?
  • What about this person drains me?
  • Why am I in a relationship that is so frustrating?
  • How can I free myself of this dysfunction?
  • What might be at the root of why I keep attracting abusive people?
  • What is keeping me locked into an unsatisfying relationship and how can I free myself?
  • How can I manifest the type of relationship I deserve and desire?

The most well-known trauma specialists all agree. Trauma splits us from our divine selves. Well, they say it a little differently than I do. They say that trauma makes it difficult for us to love ourselves because perceptions of self are so dysfunctional. When we confront the self-sabotaging thoughts that are keeping us in emotional, spiritual, cognitive, and physical chains, our life expands in miraculous ways!

Take Small Bites

All you have to do is begin small. Work with first acknowledging the idea that you are not your thoughts. Like a pair of shoes you wear, walk around in, and then take off at night, you are NOT your shoes. And, you are NOT your thoughts.

Freaky right?

If all you do today is close your eyes and tell yourself 'that you are not your thoughts' that will be enough. The more you OBSERVE your thoughts, the less pulled around by them you will be. You will find the space to do the necessary sacred work once you learn to disidentify from the negative thoughts that are NOT you.

Healing from narcissistic abuse is an inside job and somehow we have to make it less frightening for you to go within.

Remember, memories represent past experiences. You've already survived them. The problem most of us have is a trauma trigger often silences our brain. When we are cut off from our prefrontal lobe due to a trauma trigger rush of emotions, we feel pulled back in time and like we are three years old again, we lose the ability to be able to put what we are experiencing into proper context and that is NOT our fault.

For today, simply experiment with disidentifying with a thought and then notice the space that shows up as you detach from the thought.

You are the awareness of that space. You are not the thought IN that space.

Now that's cool!

Let me know how it goes!

To learn more about Lisa A. Romano's online coaching program, visit the link below.  This is an online class that is offered twice a year and is moderated by Lisa A. Romano and her team. Learn and heal along with a supportive and nurturing community. Expand your awareness of self, heal the trauma bonds that are keeping you stuck, and learn the life-skills you were denied in childhood. Learn to be less reactive and more authentically present in your life. Stop reacting and start LIVING!