May 21, 2023

Finding Your Authentic Voice

by Lisa A. Romano

authentic voice codependency recovery toxic family

As a little girl, I learned early that boundaries were not allowed. It was not safe to cry or to express a need. It was not safe to say 'stop' or to protest. It was unsafe to need, appear vulnerable, or to rest.

Our home was rigid and tense, and the demand for compliance was high. I was about seven years old when it clicked for me. In our home, Dad could do and say what he wanted, when he wanted, and how he wanted. No rules applied to him. There was no apology unless of course, he was convincing you, you were the reason he lashed out.

Codependency Programming

Our childhood dynamics molded my brain and mind to assume that women had to give up themselves in order to be in a relationship with a man. Observing my mother day in and day out, at the neurological level, my brain grew pathways that caused me to associate pain with speaking up for myself.

It wasn't long before the pattern was clear. My mother feared my father, despite the three kisses she pecked his lips with each time he walked through the door, and her giant smile whenever she laid eyes upon him.

On the recovery path, my consciousness has clawed its way out of the matted mess faulty neurological programming is. It has taken decades to decipher my authentic voice from the narrative I developed as a child, observing my mother subjugate, and codependently seek my father's approval, validation, acceptance, and affection.

My family was angry when I started saying 'no more' to the sarcasm, the snarky remarks, their innuendos, and the consistent suggestion that I was crazy for wishing to end my toxic marriage. My mother insisted there was something wrong with me, and my father told me I had no right to want to change my life.

Over the years, I have wondered if my mother was angry because I was finding the strength, courage, and clarity to get out of a marriage that was incompatible with my true self. I also wondered if my father's anger was tied to him needing to keep women in check, subordinate and compliant, and if my finding the ability to leave would rub off on my mom.

Both my mother and father did what they could to suppress the authentic self within me they knew I was. I see now, that what they saw in me frightened them, because I represented an aspect of truth and vulnerability they could not access within themselves.

Whether we are those who are on the spiritual path and know it or we don't, each of us will come to a point in our lives when we must choose to trust and honor the self, despite wishing to be accepted by others.

Try this mantra today,

"It is good to honor myself, to love myself, and to identify friends from foes. It is good to observe my instincts and to make adjustments from a place of divine love. And if I believe someone is unhealthy for me, I have a right to honor that intuition, despite their protest. Those that love me, will want to work with me, and those that don't may not be capable of that level of authenticity, and that's okay. It's my world, and I get to choose who is a part of it. This helps me feel safe and in the flow of divine love. ❤️ "

Dear One, seek the authentic path, even though what you find may remind you of all the hurt you repressed as a child. This is the only way to unleash the power of your spiritual connection to divine intelligence. Boundaries are opportunities to love yourself and others without fear. But first, you must give yourself permission to feel what you feel.

I created a video on boundaries you might enjoy.

Video on Boundaries

Lisa A. Romano is a certified life coach, bestselling author, and top leading expert in the field of mental wellness, codependency, and narcissistic abuse recovery. With over 20 years of experience in the field, Lisa has helped thousands of people heal from childhood trauma, codependency, narcissistic abuse, emotional neglect, and toxic relationships.
Her unique approach to healing focuses on empowering individuals to take control of their lives and break free from the patterns of codependency and narcissistic abuse. Through her books, online courses, and coaching programs, Lisa provides practical tools and strategies that help individuals rebuild their sense of self, set healthy boundaries, and create fulfilling relationships.
Lisa's work has been featured in major media outlets such as USA Today, Psychology Today, LA Times, The Huffington Post, and Yahoo Finance. She is also a sought-after speaker and hosts a top-leading podcast called Breakdown to Breakthrough. 
If you're looking for a compassionate and knowledgeable expert to guide you on your journey toward healing and self-discovery, Lisa A. Romano is the perfect choice. Her expertise, creativity, compassion, and ability to blend groundbreaking neuroscience, with cutting-edge trauma research with spiritual principles make her a standout in the field of mental wellness. Her 12 Week Breakthrough Coaching Program was recently endorsed by Robin Bryman Ph.D.