Sep 09, 2020

Narcissists Don't Always Know They are Narcissists

by Lisa A. Romano

boundaries covert narcissist family letting go narcissist self care self love trauma vulnerable narcissist

Do Narcissists Know They Are Narcissists?

Narcissists don't always know they are narcissists.

We have to keep this in mind. A narcissist is like speaking to a tree. A tree is convinced its a tree. But what if the tree was really a bush but the bush just thought it was a tree? 

Some narcissists insist they are kind, wonderful human beings. They are unaware they are not trees--they are NOT kind and they are not LOVING. Instead they are self-absorbed and only exhibit kind and loving behaviors when it SUITS THEM.

They are only able to appear to be kind and loving when doing so helps make THEM look good.

Vulnerable Narcissists

Beware of the wolf in grandma's clothing, who smells like warm baked apple pie. They may have tears in their eyes, gifts in their arms and look like sheep, but before long, you'll begin to feel like you've got claws in your back. 

The shy vulnerable narcissist is the person who uses a sob story to lure you into their lair of emotional doom! They will raise you up only to sink their emotional teeth into you, so that they can CLAIM you as their prime source of narcissistic supply. You may fall for their vulnerabilities, wish to encourage them to believe in themselves, and even pay their rent. You may answer the phone all day long, return their texts, and carry their laundry to the laundromat because they've had another fight with the boyfriend they've kicked out for the 28th time. And you may even offer them your car, your home and a job because you've fallen for their covert narcissistic abuse tactics. 

In time, you'll grow resentful and begin to feel taken advantage of. When you confront the shy narcissist, that is when you will begin to notice their claws. You will be punished for daring to suggest THEY should help themselves or show appreciation. 

The vulnerable narcissist will be convinced that THEY are the good one and YOU are the bad one. It is YOU who will be deemed selfish and YOU who will be underserving of them sleeping on YOUR couch. In their mind, they were doing YOU the favor by calling YOU at 3 am to discuss their personal dramas!

Chameleon Charm

Have you ever had the experience of a mother, father, boyfriend, sister, brother, or friend who treated you like crap when no one was looking BUT when there was suddenly an audience, the one abusing you in the dark could turn on the charm?

Have you ever had someone you love, imply that you were selfish when you considered yourself instead of them for once?

Oh and of course, the lashing you experience is done on the phone, through texts, or always behind closed doors UNLESS the narcissist has the benefit of a flying monkey or two. Behind closed doors abuse is a telltale sign of narcissism. Aggression can only be held for so long and in time, the narcissistic mask shall crack and slip. 

Narcissistic Family

Narcissistic mothers, fathers, and siblings don't have to work at getting us to allow them into our hearts. We come pre-packaged loving these people and sometimes it can take a lifetime to unravel the consequences of such toxic dynamics. When it comes to allowing narcissistic friends and lovers into our lives, that too can take years to sort out. Because narcissistic relationships cause us to dissociate from the tremendous self-doubt, anxiety, grief, shame, and confusion they cause in our heart space, it can be the most challenging form of psychological abuse to recover from.

Build Better Boundaries

The best way to deal with a narcissist is to not deal with them at all, but we all know that is just not realistic in all cases. Using the grey rock method, or shutty -- shutty allows you to find the mental and emotional space between you and a narcissistic person. Building better boundaries means we know we do not need other's approval and we recognize an energy vampire for what they are, even if they smell like our dear old grandma. 

The more you practice boundaries like saying NO, the easier it gets. 

To learn more about the On Demand 12 Week Breakthrough Coaching Program 50% off limited time offer visit 

Lisa A. Romano is a Certified Life Coach, bestselling author, podcaster, online training facilitator, and YouTube Vlogger specializing in codependency and narcissistic abuse recovery. She is also one of the most listened to meditation teachers on the world’s largest meditation app Insight Timer.  Lisa’s podcast Breakdown to Breakthrough can be found on any podcasting platform.  
 Lisa's work helps awaken people to the idea that what is wrong is not them, it is only their programming. Her 12 Week Breakthrough Coaching Program takes members through three months of online video training, meditations, and journaling assignments, that have been designed to help awaken them to their true selves. Those who participate in this online training, are those who demand more out of the lives today, in spite of any painful past.  They are people who have a deep desire to understand how to connect with the power that lies within. Lisa teaches people how to clear away the limiting beliefs, perceptions, and habits of behavior that have been preventing them from harnessing their ability to control their thoughts, emotions, behaviors and destinies.  Healing is as much a neurological, cognitive, emotional and spiritual experience and Lisa’s approach encompasses them all.  To learn more, you can visit


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