Codependency and Friendships
by Lisa A. Romano
Sometimes it can be difficult to observe your thoughts and especially when triggered and after spending time with those who trigger you.
It can be challenging to regroup and gain emotional control after having had a strenuous conversation, argument, confrontation or some type of interaction that has knocked you off balance.
We live in a sea of others vibrations, others perspectives, others wounds, others triggers, and others agendas. And when we love people, it can difficult to separate our stuff from their stuff.
Codependency creeps up in the most beautiful of spaces.
When we worry more about our sister and her kids than we do ourselves and our own kids...
When we worry more about how to fix the neighbor's love life than we worry about our own marriage and relationships.
When we fail to set a boundary with someone who may not realize they have crossed one...
When we take on other people's issues even though we are drowning in our own.
When we fail to recognize our own codependent tendencies and engage in relationships that cause us constriction and resistance...
When we fail to speak up for ourselves in fear of hurting someone we love..
When we work our fingers to the bone for the sake of someone who should be taking care of themselves...
When we fail to let someone we love know their actions have hurt the way we see them...
When we get angry rather than share and allow others the chance to meet our needs...
When we stuff our feelings rather than honor them--express them and share them from a place of love to those we wish to have long-lasting bonds with...
In all of these possible scenarios there are wonderful intentions--and even love...but--there is also fear...
It can be hard to tell someone we value our truth--we do not wish to ever hurt anyone's feelings--we fear we will be rejected or abandoned--misunderstood--and while all of these variables are totally possible potentials--in the end, what choice we do really have?
Years ago, I confronted a friend about something she had done that hurt me deeply. My heart space was restricted and I could feel resistance welling up inside of me. For years, I had wrestled with telling her how I felt about some of the ways she spoke to me--and then--one day--I blew up.
Yes, the blow-up was necessary and she heard me--thank heaven--but looking back--I can totally see how I participated in the event that caused the blow-up.
I was not truthful.
I stuffed my feelings.
I protected her.
I shielded her from how I was feeling about her.
I dishonored my boundaries.
I feared she would never speak to me again and that I would lose the closest friend I had ever had.
I lived in fear because on many counts, she had become my rock and the person I relied on. The problem was, I failed to see how codependency was playing out in what I consciously thought was an awesome, tight friendship. I failed to check myself--and my vibrations--and because I feared I might lose the friendship--I failed to walk in truth.
My vibrations could never lie to me--but my fears and my childhood programming could.
We were lucky. The love we share for one another is deep and together we managed to move beyond that awful blow-up. It was awkward for a while--and although we don't talk as often as we used to--or hang out like we once did--believe it or not, our relationship is stronger than ever.
Today, we are no longer that codependent set of friends who dance around how we feel about one another. We learned to love each other enough to tell our truth. When this happened, our relationship morphed into something much more sacred, stable, truthful, authentic, and safe.
I love her with all of my heart--in spite of crap she has done that has been hurtful. I know in my heart--she loves me and it was never her intent to hurt me--and I also know--that without me telling her how I felt--we could have never gotten to a more sacred--and un-codependent place. And on the other hand, I am sure there were times I pissed her off too--but she was the type that would absolutely blow me up on the spot if I did.
I now do all I can to absolutely listen to my vibrations. I find it much easier to pay attention to the rhythms of my body than I do my mind sometimes. I know that if I pay attention to how I feel--and I speak from love to myself and to others--that even if in the speaking of my truth--others reject or abandon me--I have triumphed over codependency--which in my humble opinion--is destroying what could be sacred love relationships everywhere.
Codependency just doesn't show up in abusive domestic relationships.
Codependency can show up in the most loving of spaces too.
Mind your vibrations Dear One--speak from love, surrender, compassion, and acceptance to your self and to others, and no matter what the end result is--know that the truth sets us free.
The truth is--no matter how codependency may or may not show up in your life--you are enough.
Before we mind anyone else--we must MIND the SELF.
Loving you all...