Jun 19, 2019

Codependency and Detachment

by Lisa A. Romano

codependency detachment enabling

Codependency and Detachment

1. Codependency is about unhealthy attachments to those we believe we require validation from.

2. Codependency involves the unconscious drive to cater to, fix, rescue and enable others. 

3. Codependency is rooted in the fear of abandonment. 

Codependent people feel in control when we are able to anticipate the needs of others. In the anticipating of other's needs, we avoid the fear of abandonment. The illusion is, if people need us, they will never abandon us. 

Codependent People Fear Losing Control of How Other People See Them

We don’t realize that in taking care of others, we are avoiding how we feel. When we attract people who need to be fixed, this gives us something other to focus on but ourselves. We are so accustomed to NOT knowing how to BE with ourselves, we feel lost when we don’t have something or someone to worry about.

We lack boundaries and don’t know what we want. We know what we don’t want, but we struggle to identify what we do want. We even expect other people to know what we want and when they don’t show up just the way we imagined they would, we often feel abandoned. We don’t know we are repeating patterns from the past and recreating the exact experiences we wish we could avoid.

If this sounds like you, it is time to become aware of how you feel when other people get angry.

Hold Onto Yourself

If you struggle with holding onto yourself when other people start to act up, it’s time to practice detachment. If you get angry when other people get angry, you too need to practice the art of learning to let go.

We don’t have to fix other people or worry ourselves sick over making sure other people don’t ever get uncomfortable. ALL people get uncomfortable sometimes and it is high time we stop getting in the way of other people’s personal growth and we start managing our own inner worlds.

The next time you feel like jumping in to make sure Aunt Suzie doesn’t have a hissy fit, don’t.

Let other people learn to manage their own emotions. Practice detachment and letting go of rescuing and or fixing other people. 

Detach Out of Love

Detachment is key to independence as well as interdependence. In order to regain our autonomy,  we must be able to know what we feel, what we think and what we need. When we are obsessed with fixing others, our point of focus is on other people and not on our inner world. We navigate our experiences carefully watching others paying fierce attention to moods, body language, and to how other people appear. If we notice a need, we jump into service often times at the expense of the self. 

Detachment is not about punishing those we have enabled. Instead, it is about learning to allow others to learn to understand cause and effect. Detachment relies on us learning to allow others to suffer the consequences of their own actions as we learn to stop fixating on our subconscious need to attach and enable others. 


This is the path towards Codependency Recovery.

To learn more about Lisa A. Romano's online 12 Week Breakthrough Codependency Program click here. Register for an upcoming class online and study at your own pace along with the group Lisa and her team moderate for the length of the program. Enjoy weekly LIVE Group Calls with Lisa each week on Saturday mornings at 9 am est.