For the bulk of my life I was confused about where I stood in relation to others. My very strict Roman Catholic upbringing had me feeling cursed from day one. Born a sinner I (or so I was told) my tiny soul felt as if love was something I needed to prove myself worthy of. On days when I hoped God was napping, I would allow my mind to wander.
"Is it my fault I am human?" I would wonder, hoping God could not hear my inner thoughts.
Back when I was a child, God, Jesus, Christ--you name it--was used against me like one would use a stun gun to control a being into line. I was taught to fear God like He was the boogie man. "God can hear your every thought and see your every move. You better have pure thoughts or God will punish you and you might go to hell when you die," I was told, in overt as well as covert ways.
The message was clear. Fear God, fear your parents, fear what others think of you, fear not being perfect, fear not being good enough, feel guilty because God sent His only Son to die for you, and perhaps worst of all--fear your own damn mind.
It has taken me the bulk of my life to iron out all of the corrupt data my parents as well as religious teachers brainwashed me into believing. The wrinkles that have been embedded into my unconscious mind have created immeasurable chaos in my life. From believing myself worthless, and being stained by a deep sense of shame and guilt--the theme of my life--has forever been--'I am not enough.' I am not pretty enough. I am not smart enough. I am not worthy enough. I am not kind enough. I am not compassionate enough. I am not forgiving enough. I am not worthy of abundance because I am not enough. I am not happy enough. I am not witty enough. I am not funny enough. I am not quiet enough. I am not thin enough. I am not Christian enough, and so on.
Sadly most of us have been taught to believe in obvious as well as insidious ways that love is something we need to prove ourselves worthy of. If we were born to parents that used religion to bend us to their will, or if our parents were self absorbed, narcissistic, controlling, critical, emotionally, verbally or physically abusive, if they were alcoholics, adulterers, liars, emotional manipulators--or if our parents were in enabling codependent relationships with one another--then the data we received from our environment was complete hogwash!!!!!!
All adults are the results of what they experienced and learned to perceive was truth while they were growing and interpreting the information from their environments. If the information programmed into us was corrupt--then so are our unconscious belief systems.
Lions--and tigers--and the holy ghost Oh MY!!!!!
Yes--many of us fear our own damn innocent thoughts!!! How crazy is that?
How crazy is it that we--we innocent perfect little beings came to this planet and were taught to believe our worth was NOT a given???
is horrendous really--totally unfair--and ridiculous--however--at some point in time we all need to take a deep breath--and remember the lessons from the past that taught us all about FREE WILL.
Hmmmm...free will....free will...free will...free will FREE WILL...FREE WILL...Yep...
Within us all--and that includes you not only dwells the DNA of God Himself/Herself/Itself/ Creator (whatever)--but so too does the conscious ability to invoke ones right to use his/her own free will.
You see--we get to question everything! In fact biblically speaking--it is the doubter--turned believer that is the greatest witness to all that is good and right with the world.
On your journey towards emotional independence--you will eventually learn that YOU were always worthy. The kinks in your thought process must be ironed out--but once that process begins to happen, your thoughts naturally become more downstream opposed to upstream. Life, ideas, and even love just flow more easily through you as well as to you!
Being addicted to love--is the equivalent to being addicted to attention.
Because you were probably never given the proper, healthy attention and validation you deserved when you were a child and forming your ideas about your personal worth. You have been hypnotized or programmed to believe you were not worthy of love--and so--when any hint of affection or attention slithers your way--you jump on it. It is the way you try to fill that void within you that was created so long ago.
What can you do now?
You can begin trying to understand that if your relationships always suck--that YOU are the common denominator--not because you are not worthy--but because somewhere in your programming you have learned that you must work, struggle, beg, plead or deny self for the sake of your corrupt idea of love.
Love is real--but if you don't know what authentic love looks or feels like, its sort of like going on a road trip to a desired destination--without a road map. Confusing, disillusioning, frustrating? Yep...that's the state most beings live their lives in.
YOU are the secret. YOU the magnificent creative intelligence that YOU are. YOU hold within you the ability to create through your God given imagination--any idea--circumstance as well as 'feeling' you wish to experience. And as you begin to learn to invoke your free will to initiate your creative center in your mind--through your pineal gland--you begin to awaken your third eye--the spirit of creator. The spirit within you needs to be awakened and only YOU can open that door. Others can inspire you, lift you up and even illuminate the path to enlightenment and rebirth--but only the keeper of the chamber--can unlock the door when the door to the chamber is knocked upon...
Knock, knock dear ones...knock, knock...
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