Jun 04, 2020

Often times clients ask me, "How can I change the narcissist in my life?"

by Lisa A. Romano

codependency narc narcissist
Often times clients ask me, "How can I change the narcissist in my life?" Because I also teach about The Law of Attraction, it seems that clients sometimes get confused when it comes to blending narcissistic abuse recovery with the ideas that imply that if we can change the way we look at things, the things we look at will change. I totally understand that, which is why I felt the need to shed some light on this particular subject.

For the record, a true narcissist believes in the visions, perceptions, beliefs, desires, and needs they hold inside their mind. They generally tend to be fixated and immovable perceptions, that they are not willing to shift. In fact, they believe so strongly in the perceptions they hold of themselves and others, that penetrating their beliefs would be akin to a toddler trying to scale the Great Wall of China, barefoot, with a cinder block strapped to their back, in the dark, and surrounded by hungry wolves. What a narcissist believes matters.

What anyone believes matters in fact, but when it comes to trying to 'change' a narcissist, the key is to remember that if they are true blue narcissist, they are impenetrable, and hold beliefs that are true for them.

What does this mean when it comes to changing the way we look at things and believing that the things we look at can change?

Most of us fail to realize that our perceptions are very limited. Those of us who are not on the awakening path, are unaware that we are not unlike garden snakes in that, we aren't aware of how big the world really is, or about how much potential is stored within the DNA of our very being. Many of us are stuck in survival mode, looking out into the world in front of us, doing what we can to manage things we cannot control. We are living in survival mode, either just trying to get by, or in fear of being eaten by a larger, more, dominating predator. Even though as human beings we have the right to walk out of any jungle, travel to any mountain top, and fly to anywhere in the world we wish to, sadly, in our unawakened state we believe only in the matrix right before our eyes.

Lisa, where the hell are you going with this? I thought I was going to be reading about Narcissistic Abuse Recovery!

When trying to 'change' a narcissist, it may be that your focus is off. Trying to change anything outside of you is fruitless unless you are willing to shift and change what is going on inside of you.

Instead of trying to 'change or control' a narcissist, shift your internal perception of them instead. Rather than be under the illusion that a narcissist wants to change and should change because you want them to, try changing that perception into something that sounds more like, "Narcissists have their own sets of beliefs. Beliefs dictate reality. If this narcissist believes I am an idiot, over reactive, nonsensical, foolish, lying, and that I will not ever be able to make it without them, I must change the way I see them, and accept their reality of me, even though their reality of me is false."

By changing the way YOU look and perceive the narcissist, the narcissist does change, in that they will no longer have the hold on you they once did.

If you want to change the narcissist, start by changing your perceptions of them first. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery begins with understanding what is truly at play. Narcissists are in the creative flow of chaos, attracting unto their illusions like energies and people who are willing to buy into their false perceptions of self. A narcissist changes when you change how you see the narcissist, but that does not mean the narcissist is willing to change. It only means that you have remembered you are not a garden snake and you get to choose whether you live small or you live big. You get to live in the jungle at the helm of trying to control a mindset that does not want to change, or, you get to say 'Ciao' to people who will die below the veil of consciousness. And that's okay. You have been born to learn to remember who you really are and to accept the things you cannot change, and to leave the rest to good old Karma.

All is well Dear One!