20 Truths a Narcissist Will Hide From You and Hope You'll Never Figure Out
by Lisa A. Romano
20 Truths a Narcissist Will Hide From You and Hope You’ll Never Figure Out
Narcissism exists on a spectrum and it is considered a personality trait. When someone is considered to be narcissistic, we can assume this person is grandiose, self absorbed and in love with the facade they wish others to admire, cater to, fawn after, and succumb to.
Covert narcissists are those who carry around the ‘woe is me’ attitude. They may appear as vulnerable, helpful, and even altruistic. On the inside, this person will harbor resentment, feelings of anger, and become vengeful when others do not give into their demands. Vibrationally, they feel as if the world owes them. Relationships come down to what you can offer them. If it is attention they require, you will be roped into melodrama whether real or imagined. If you do not offer them what they demand, you will be punished in some way. They are distrustful, exploitive, and entitled. Making excuses for why you must enable their lack of accountability will become the foundation of your relationship. If you are a caretaker, rescuer, enabler, and ordinarily and without thinking, take on guilt and shame, a covert narcissist can easily cause you to succumb to their demands.
Overt narcissists are more obvious in their self absorption. They can appear arrogant, rude, obnoxious, full of themselves, and lack empathy without so much as batting an eye. Female narcissists tend to be jealous of other women. They are known to gossip about other females in the hopes of acquiring flying monkeys who are willing to disparage the reputation of the one who is seen as a threat. The female narcissist can become obsessed with her appearance and flaunt her sexuality as a way to dominate those they set their eyes upon. They feel entitled to exploit others to bolster their sense of self.
Male narcissists, although may be more easy to spot, focus on power and domination through status. They tend to require admiration for what they have acquired or obtained in life. Male narcissists can also exploit others sexually and be obsessed with their appearance. They too feel entitled to exploit others when necessary, to enhance their sense of self.
There are many truths a narcissist will hide from you when you first meet them.
- I have a right to lie to you at any time and especially if you are trying to hold me accountable.
- Expect a narcissist to dig in their heels if you catch them in a lie or wish to confront them about being manipulative or disrespectful.
- I will never be that interested in you and I am only keeping you around because I enjoy the interest you find in me.
- Expect a narcissist to use you as a form of entertainment. You will be seen as a source of narcissistic supply and nothing more.
- You are disposable and if you dare become problematic, or when I lose interest in you, I will cause an argument with you and convince you -- you are the reason for why I need to dispose of you.
- Expect a narcissist to end their relationship with you abruptly, disrespectfully, and without any regard for your emotions.
- I mean nothing I say.
- Expect a narcissist to charm you when you first meet them, but in time, you will begin to notice that their promises are empty and their actions rarely match the words that fall from their pretty lips.
- I will hold you accountable and gaslight you if you dare to hold me accountable for anything I say or do.
- Expect a narcissist to gaslight you with crazymaking word salads until you are so dizzy, you cry ‘Uncle!’
- I can treat you however I wish, but you may never disrespect me, ever.
- Expect a narcissist to live by a completely different set of rules than you do. Nothing will make sense to anyone but the narcissist who makes up rules as they see fit.
- I will accuse you of everything I am guilty of.
- Expect a narcissist to use projection as a form of communication. Be prepared to fend off accusations that are complete falsehoods. If you have a gasmask, you might want to start wearing it now.
- I will punish you for every time I have ever felt abandoned or humiliated.
- Expect a narcissist to accuse you of the things their mother or father were guilty of. Nothing will make sense because the narcissist is transferring all of their unresolved issues onto you, and if you don’t get out of the relationship quickly, you might start believing their illusions.
- I will always be right and you will always be wrong.
- Expect an argument at every turn. Narcissists are convinced that their grandiose perfect selves are really smarter, righter, better, and more logical than you are. You’ll always be wrong, and if you don’t recognize this self righteous, grandiose, arrogant personality trait, you just might one day believe you’re responsible for the narcissists negative mindset.
- I will discard you if you dare to challenge me.
- Expect a narcissist to come out swinging if you dare suggest they might be wrong. They are highly sensitive to the least bit of criticism and will punish you when you tickle the funny bone of their narcissistic injury.
- I don’t love you -- I love that you adore me, tolerate me, and allow me to punish you at will.
- Expect a narcissist to keep you around as long as you tolerate their need for admiration, pity, attention, and allow them to use you to become a receptacle for all of their toxic energy. If you don’t play by their ever shifting demands, ‘poof’ you will be discarded, forgotten and nothing you’ve ever done for them will be appreciated or remembered.
- I will never see your side of any situation and especially if it differs from mine.
- Expect a narcissist to create drama, become reactive, and speak to you as if you lack a brain. What you think is frivolous to a narcissist and they will batter you emotionally, mentally, and spiritually until you agree to how ridiculous they think you are.
- I do not play fair.
- Expect to have the rules change unexpectedly and according to the mood the narcissist is in at any given moment. Narcissists run hot and cold so you never quite know what you might get. If you like confusion, drama, and toxicity, you’re in the right relationship!
- I will always bring you drama.
- Expect drama, chaos, unpredictability, confusion, guilt, shame, betrayal, and crazymaking behavior. Narcissists cannot emotionally regulate themselves and because they are entitled, grandiose, self righteous, and lack empathy for others, they are unable to understand that relationships take two fair, caring, kind people in order to make it run smoothly. They will NOT see that their negative personality traits are the root of the problem. If you LOVE being blamed for the up and down emotions of a grandiose personality you have hit the jackpot!
- I will never listen to you or remember anything that is important to you unless it suits me in some way.
- Expect to be frustrated by a narcissist who won’t show any interest in the things that are important to you. If you enjoy being treated with indifference, look no further.
- I will deliberately gaslight you until you believe you are crazy!
- Expect a narcissist to try and convince you -- you need them and to believe that they are your rescuer. Expect them to try to cripple you emotionally so you ONLY rely on them and then, when you dare challenge them, you can also expect to have the narcissist marginalize every thought that comes to your mind. Your mind and gut will twist with the fear of losing the one who has rescued you. You will doubt you had a right to question the narcissist at all. If you enjoy mashed potatoes for brains, the narcissist will do the trick.
- I fear humiliation and mortification.
- Expect the narcissist to be highly sensitive to criticism of any kind. The slightest hint that you have found a weakness in them will cause them to react harshly. You will be punished and persecuted for dare insinuating the narcissist is not perfect or should share blame of any sort. If you love feeling like every thought you think is on trial, this relationship is for you!
- I am a chameleon and can change according to what I need and want in the moment.
- Expect a narcissist to be charming one minute and vicious in the next. If you know a narcissist, you can expect them to lie to gain what they want. They will lie about you, someone you love, a co-worker or boss in order to manipulate situations to their advantage. If you think it would be fun to live with a wolf in grandma’s clothing, look no further.
- I will fake empathy when necessary but no, I will not have a true emotional reaction to any pain I may cause you.
- Expect a narcissist to be callous when it comes to how they treat you. They will not experience cognitive dissonance when they berate you. There will be no conscience to pull their tongue back when they start persecuting you for not anticipating their needs or for daring to challenge them. If you like walking around on eggshells, you’ve hit the jackpot!
- I will never take true accountability.
- Expect a narcissist to make excuses and blame you and others for their poor behavior. You will never hear a narcissist say, “ I am sorry and I know how much I hurt you and I will do my best to never act this disrespectful again.” But, you will hear them say, “ I am sorry you made me so mad I yelled at you, called you names, banished you from my life, and ripped your heart out.” Say what???? If you love feeling like your life is lived through a meat grinder, you have found the perfect partner!
Stop Enabling Poor Behavior
If you love a narcissist, you may have been swept off your feet by their charm, allure, confidence and intelligence when you first met them. While oxytocin was flowing, you may not have realized your mind created a cognitive positive bias about this person, without really knowing how their minds operated. Slowly being drawn in by their charm, and idealization of you, may have created a bond you feel intimidated to break.
Love does not hurt. It is not confusing. It does not cause rumination, self doubt, anxiety or depression. Love does not make you feel like you need to walk around on eggshells or like you need to monitor every word that comes out of your mouth. Love is forgiving, kind, understanding, warm, inviting, and welcomes open discussion about miscommunication, and other difficult topics all couples need to address at some point in their relationships. However, if you have been trauma bonded inside a relationship with a narcissist, your mind has become a swamp of bees. Your thoughts may feel disordered, matted, and run by the fear of losing the one who is exploiting your emotions, through negative narcissistic personality traits.
Step one is recognizing negative narcissistic traits for what they are and learning to stop enabling poor behavior. This may mean you need to find a therapist who understands emotional and psychological abuse for what it truly is.
Step two is to educate yourself on the effects of narcissistic abuse on a victim whose emotions have been exploited for the sake of reinforcing the narcissist's grandiose perception of self as well as power in the relationship.
Step three is to practice minimizing your need to fawn after an abusive personality and to start taking inventory of how the narcissist’s negative personality traits impact how you feel about yourself, and even your life.
Step four is to begin pulling away from narcissists who use you to bolster their grandiose self perceptions. Begin reestablishing old friendships and find hobbies you are interested in that have nothing to do with the narcissist.
Step five is to end communication with narcissists who have used you as a form of narcissistic supply. This may mean you need to block them and their flying monkeys across all social media platforms. The less interaction you have with a narcissist who feels entitled to use people rather than to take responsibility for their lives and how they show up inside relationship dynamics, the sooner you will be free!
Lisa A. Romano is a Certified Life Coach, bestselling author, and YouTube Vlogger specializing in codependency and narcissistic abuse recovery. She is also one of the most listened to meditation teachers on the world’s largest meditation app Insight Timer. Lisa creates real-life tools to help people evolve past their traumas so they can live in peace, achieve success, and create harmony in their lives regardless of painful past events. Her 12 Week Breakthrough Coaching Program has helped thousands of people learn to regulate their emotions, heal from painful pasts, including negative self-talk, and limiting beliefs. Adult children of alcoholics and those raised by narcissistic parents are learning to find their way back to the love they were denied as children through Lisa’s transformational work.
To learn more about working with Lisa, visit
Lisa's work helps awaken people to the idea that what is wrong is not them, it is only their programming. Her 12 Week Breakthrough Healing Coaching Program takes members through three months of reprogramming. Lisa creates supportive, nurturing communities and then offers members access to healing resources like training videos and self-hypnosis meditations, along with weekly group calls and access to her and her team.
Psychologists, neuroscientist, as well as therapists, have participated in her online programs and hail Lisa's approach to healing the reactive mind as groundbreaking. Her programs are the blueprints she used to help heal her own life. Graduates of The 12 Week Breakthrough Coaching Program are able to advance their personal development training by participating in Lisa's Master Class. To learn more about Lisa's online programs, books, and meditations you can visit https://www.lisaaromano.com
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