Being Nice To People Who Don't Deserve It Makes Them Disrespect You More Part: 4
by Lisa A. Romano
“In order to love the self, you're going to be challenged.”
The first challenge you’re going to face is definitely going to be handling strong emotions.
Believing in YOU:
The next challenge will be: can you get to a place where you believe you are an extension of love? That you are loved, that you are enough? This is like finding the fountain of youth within you. Can you tap into this miraculous heart space?
In my 12-Week Breakthrough Coaching Program, I talk about the first step as the Awakening Phase. Let's figure out what went wrong: Why are you selfless? The second phase is teaching people how to reconnect to the love that they are. It's essential because if you want to inspire other people, if you’re going to live a happy life, you have to start coming from the love that you are from within.
“If you keep coming from a poverty mindset, you are never going to be able to manifest abundance.”
That's not because there's some conspiracy against you. It's just because you're not aligning with the love that you are. Why aren't you aligning with the love that you are? In many cases, it's because you don't have a healthy sense of self. If we keep going, why don't you have a healthy sense of self? If you don't have a healthy sense of self, chances are it's because somewhere in your childhood, you absorbed the message that you, at a soul level, or an emotional level, were not enough and deeper; you assumed it was your fault because you didn't get the love that you deserved. You're broken; there’s something wrong with you. You don't know what it is, but good things happen to other people; they don't happen to you. This becomes a mindset; this becomes negative self-talk; this becomes a resonance.
When this becomes a resonance, it's very sad. In this state, there's no way that we can manifest what we want. In fact, we're going to manifest exactly what we don't want. Is that anyone's fault? No, I don't think it's anyone's fault. I believe this is the way it works. I think the world is holographic. I think this is the way the universe maintains some type of order. And even if it looks like chaos, it's order. In other words, if my mother's an alcoholic, and my father is an alcoholic, my grandparents are alcoholics, that might seem like a very chaotic pattern in a family. But think about it, I become an alcoholic, my children become alcoholics, there's this weird order, in this whole process, right?
But the amazing thing is that through self-awareness, through personal development work, through figuring out what's wrong, you get to step out of that order. You get to break through, break free, break the cycle, and develop a healthy sense of self, finding your way back to love, and eventually find your voice in this world.
Speak it, Act on it, Think about it:
The next step that you'll have to go through to resolve all of this is, once it's in your heart and you know that you're enough, you have to learn to speak it. You have to learn to act on it. Think about it.
We've all heard about the Bible. Many of us have read the Bible. In the beginning, there was the world. But think about what has to happen before you're able to create something. You have to believe in yourself. You have to love yourself. You have to believe in that potential.
“You have to go through the dark night of the soul, face the demons, face the dragons and learn to believe you are enough.”
Once you get to a point where you're like, “Whoa, wait a minute, I have all of these dark thoughts in my head, and I have these dark thoughts in my head because of X, Y, and Z, but I really am love, I've come from love.” You are an extension of a creative force, and maybe your energy just hasn't been going in the right direction. What if it started moving in the right direction? What if you started believing in yourself? Just do incremental shifts a little bit every day. What if instead of thinking “I can't”, you thought today you could? Maybe instead of saying no, meditation doesn't work for me; you tried to meditate every day? What if instead of saying no, I don't journal, no, I don't read, you started to read? What if instead of surfing the internet for five hours a day, I read a book for an hour a day? What would change? How would the energy in your body change? If you started doing things that represented this energy moving up and up and up, what then?
I didn't realize how deep of a tornado I was in until I got kicked out of it, or I kicked myself out of it. I only got kicked out of it because I started changing my resonance. I started accepting how I really felt. I went into the dark night of the soul, and when I started believing in myself and believing in the idea that I had to change my family dynamics because the holographic pattern became so apparent to me; this is the nature of the universe playing itself out in my life and the life of my children. And I had to break this pattern.
What's interesting was that the minute I started taking care of myself, I was called selfish. Now that I was actually saying, this is what I think, and I feel, I was speaking the word within my heart. I had found many of the answers that I was seeking. Even though I didn't have all the puzzle pieces yet, I knew that I couldn't stay where I was. I knew that acting selfless just made my life worse. It just taught people to take advantage of me. It just made me feel more depressed, angrier, more frustrated, alone, and more broken. I just got to a point where I had nothing else to give.
I had to say I was unhappy, and as silly as it sounds, I didn't feel like I had the right to say that. I pretended to be happy. I smiled on cue. When people left my house, I shut the door, I cleaned up, and I pretended to be happy. When they were around, I pretended to be happy, but when I shut the door, I could feel this emptiness and sadness. I didn't feel like I had the right to be unhappy. I felt like it was my job just to pretend and to act selfless, even though inside, I was getting more and more frustrated. The more frustrated I became when it started to surface, my ex-husband and I started to have some serious problems, and as I was unable to control my selflessness anymore, it was almost like this eruption was happening inside of me. Like my spirit was saying, “No, this cannot go on much longer. It's not happening” I started to become more verbal about it, and that's when our relationship got messy.
“Speaking up on behalf of your inner self is probably the most courageous thing that you can do.”
Especially when you've created a life unconsciously that represents selflessness. You are supposed to be the quick picker-upper, you are supposed to be the Uber driver, you are the nurse in the family, you're the babysitter in the family, you're the one that takes care of yourself financially. We come to you when we need money. You're the responsible one. You're the person that's trying to keep your life together because you can't ask for help. You've never been able to rely on anyone, so you don't ask for help. You're the helper. And now it's biting you in the butt; now people don't leave you alone. And now all you want is someone to say, I see you.
Beware of Narcissists:
You're in a dangerous situation if you're not recovered. Because now, you are a gaping hole for a narcissist. A narcissist in that situation will exploit the person who has lived their lives selflessly and is done. You are leaking all this energy from a wound that you have, and if you're not careful, I actually had a narcissist say to me, “I could smell it in the air with women.” Almost like he was bragging, that if he were in a room full of women, he'd be able to smell the needy one. He could smell the one that wanted validation. He could smell the one that had attachment trauma and abandonment trauma and whose husband ignored her or abused her or cheated on her. And he would become what that woman wanted him to be so that he could hedge his bets and get this woman to trust him in time. Then, just when he thought she was hooked, he would throw it away. He would throw out an insult and shock her or threaten her with abandonment and threaten not to come to see her, or not fool around with her; all of these threats, trauma bonding; this is what happens.
When you are selfless, you are making your life worse. Whether it comes from your culture, whether it comes from religion, whether it comes from your family, whether it's what you saw your parents do, it's crucial that you recognize that being selfless will only make your life worse because the goal is not to be self-less. The goal is to develop a healthy sense of self, and handle strong emotions, these dark emotions, so you can process them. Avoiding them will only keep you stuck, living out patterns created and stuck in the lower chakras. If you can learn to process these strong emotions, you will heal generations of trauma, maybe even generations of the past.
Honoring Your Emotions:
I have to learn to honor these strong emotions and return to love. And then I have to learn to speak, the ‘who’ that I am. That's the whole reason that you're born. The whole experiment, in my opinion, is, can you return to the love you are and not be a narcissist? Can you return to the love you are, become non-resistant to what's happening around you, and continue to stay in the vibration of love? Can you open up love within yourself and become a beacon of light and a beacon of love for others? Can you do that? Can you help people transition and cross the bridge from living in the darkness to living in the light?
You can only do that if you've been able to transmute dark energies and strong emotions within you. You can only do that if you can see the purpose in life, which if you've been around a narcissist and you've been wounded by a narcissist, the last thing you want to do is engage with the narcissist. The last thing that you want to do is allow the narcissist to take resonance in your mind. The last thing that you want to do is stalk their Facebook or stalk their Instagram. The last thing that you want to do is drive past their house. You want to stick with these strong emotions that caused you to be selfless in this relationship. You want to learn to handle those strong emotions, return to the love that you are, have this amazing bright light happen like an explosion in your heart space, transmute this energy, and then speak this is who I am.
When we do this, we transcend generations of dark energy. Narcissism is dark energy. And so, if we all returned to self-love, what would happen to narcissism, right? Would narcissists exist? If those of us who were able to transmute these dark energies within, and we were able to handle strong emotions, and we were no longer seeking the validation of other people, we were no longer acquiescing to failing to set boundaries. We were no longer codependent. We were staying in our own lane. We were spiritually evolving. We were stepping into the abundance, the natural abundance that we are; what would happen if nations of people just loved themselves and stepped into ‘this is who I am’? That would be an amazing thing. Because at the end of the day, my I am, is your I am.
We are reflections of one another. We all come from the same place. We all come from love, even though we experience this lack of love, and mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and vibrationally, being separate from love will cause us to have these issues like depression, anxiety, codependency, narcissism, and alike.
“The answer is to return to love. Love is always going to be the answer. Love is the hub of the universe.”
It is the creative force that we need on earth. I think it's time that we all step into this amazing feminine, regardless of whether or not you're born male or female, step into your divine, feminine, creative energy, and return to love. Being selfless is only going to make your life worse. Stepping into the self, loving the self, and if you do it the right way, if you do it the spiritual way, a holistic way, you end up feeling love for everything and everyone. You're able to let go; you’re able to stay in your own lane, you're able to let other people have their experiences, and you know that your path is their path. The quicker you get there, the better for you. However long it takes your sister who's a narcissist, your mother, however long it takes for them, to have this experience, it's how long it takes. But you do nothing for them as long as you stay engaged in their dark world. You do much more for them when you enter into the light of your own soul and expand that light. That is the journey for all of us; it's to learn, let go, stay in our own lane, learn how to handle strong emotions, step into the love we are, and then speak the truth of who I am.
If you would like to begin this journey, I have a couple of things that you can consider:
The first thing that you can consider is joining me for my next live 12-Week Breakthrough Coaching Program. This is an opportunity to work with my life coaches and me over a three month period. We have a private Facebook group, and I teach you the process of becoming more self-individualized, self-actualized and really teach you how to return to the self, which is not an easy thing to do. Still, it is so much better when you have a plan. When you have a roadmap, and you have as many guides as we offer you inside the 12-Week Breakthrough Coaching Program. If you're interested in that, you can go to my website: www.lisaaromano.com to learn more. I would be honored to be your guide.
Another thing that you can do is you can check out my books on Amazon or Barnes & Noble. The first book that I wrote was The Road Back to Me. This is a book that I wrote through the eyes of the inner child. So if you're interested in learning more about how it is that we can become selfless and not love ourselves, that's a great place to start.
If you're a little bit further along on the recovery path, I suggest that you check out the Boundary Building Workshop, which you can find on my website as well. This is a downloadable workbook. You download the link, you print the book out, and you do the workbook. You also get an MP3, it's over an hour-long, that you can listen to as often as you like.
These are just a few of the things that you can use on your personal development path to help you learn how to love yourself, help you learn how to deal with strong emotions, and help you eventually learn to say: this is who I am.