Narcissistic Abuse No More
by Lisa A. Romano
If you are here, chances are you are becoming aware that you may be suffering from codependency.
You may be here because you have suffered from narcissistic abuse and you want to learn how to stop attracting narcissistic abuse into your life.
Many of us come here wishing to breakthrough or to break free from a narcissist, and often we focus on the narcissistic behavior, while secretly wishing we could change the narcissist, as well as their behavior. This is a totally normal and human reaction, but it is not as healthy a thought process as it could be.
Until I woke up and healed from codependency, I was a magnet for narcissistic others. It wasn't until I was fully committed to healing my own thoughts, and I was ready to be humble enough to challenge my own intentions, that my world began to shift.
Being humble enough to look at one's self and one's own behavior takes courage. We must be willing to push through the programming from the past that has us feeling like we are not good enough, in order to be able to take a clear assessment of where we are if we are ever going to make real changes in our lives.
Being humble takes strength because when we finally get real about how we show up in life, we undoubtedly begin to realize that while pointing the finger at others, there was a whole lot of 'stuff' we were doing, that we denied or ignored.
Being humble takes faith because it means that we are finally learning to look within and figure out how we may be unknowingly participating in the toxic relationships around us. Looking within, causes us to see changes we must make and sometimes we have no idea where those changes are going to lead us.
If you wish to break through and break free from narcissistic others, I wish to challenge you to check yourself for any codependent behaviors, thinking, emotions, as well as patterns within you that might be disempowering you without you even realizing it.
Here are some questions for you...
Please note, they are offered only with love and with the hope that they somehow help you understand that your power lies within you and not outside of you. When you focus on YOU--on what you think--on how you show up--on what you are doing--and on what you are saying--then and only then can you experience the abundance and love you seek.
Freedom is not found in clinging--it is found in letting go and sometimes we need to let go of our old perceptions of self and to rethink our intentions.
You cannot fix a hole in the wall you cannot see Dear Ones...
Do you seek approval?
Do you seek validation or attention of others?
Do you focus on others changing rather on focusing on what you can change?
Do you feel angry or resentful when others do not listen to you?
Do you tend to go from 0-10 emotionally and react easily, especially when you lose control?
Do you tend to feel like you failed if others do not validate, praise or acknowledge you?
Do you hold onto relationships that are toxic even though people who love you have told you-you should consider letting go?
Do you tend to put others above your self and feel as if, 'if this other person would only love you, or validate you--you would feel complete?'
Do you tend to obsess or ruminate about what others need while ignoring your own needs?
Have you ever been told you obsess about others and do not take care of yourself?
Do you easily lose yourself in the lives of others?
Do you tend to lean towards relationships or people who need to be fixed?
Have you ever lied for someone you knew was breaking the law, or who was obviously wrong?
Do you ever complain about all you do, while underneath the complaints, you secretly hope to be praised for how hard you work? (secretly seeking to feel seen)
Do you criticize others, focus on their lack, yet, spend little time checking your own actions, thoughts, words, and intentions?
Do you tend to find yourself gravitating towards toxic and chaotic circumstances?
Do you feel more comfortable in chaos than you do in more stable environments?
Do you make excuses for others dysfunctional behavior?
Do you tend not follow your dreams yet support others endeavors even at the expense of yourself?
Do you struggle to set boundaries with others?
Do you tend to complain about not having enough time for yourself, rather than actually making time for yourself?
Do you fear rocking the boat or telling people how you feel, and then pretend you are fine when you are not?
When you do tell other people how you feel, do you secretly expect them to agree with you, and do you tend to fall apart when they don't?
Do you struggle with holding onto yourself and especially when you feel like it is time to set a boundary?
Do you or have you ever used sex to gain control over someone?
Do you or have you ever withheld sex as a form of punishment or as a way to control another person?
Have you ever denied the truth for the sake of keeping the peace?
Do you follow through with setting boundaries?
Do you complain more than you do take action?
Do you ignore red flags?
Do you feel guilty when others aren't doing well?
Do you feel guilty when others do something wrong?
Do you take responsibility for others even when you know you shouldn't?
Do you tend to over-empathize with others at the expense of yourself?
Have you ever forsaken your own children's needs for the sake of a relationship with a friend or a lover?
Have you ever NOT confronted someone who may have been in some way abusive towards your children, perhaps an abusive grandparent, friend, or teacher, because you feared what the authority figure would say or think about you?
Do you tend to enmesh with others?
Do you need to be in-touch--or in-contact with others in order to feel connected to them?
Do you fear being alone?
Do you obsess about finding 'the one?'
Do you worry that others will disapprove of you if you do not agree with them to the point you are willing to abandon your own positions?
Do you think happiness belongs to others and not people like you?
Do you tend to see your glass as half empty rather than half full?
Do you criticize or judge others?
Do you feel envy, jealousy or anger when others do well?
On the road to recovery, these and questions like these are ones I asked myself, over and over and over. I did so, to keep my ass in check. I was raised by passive-aggressive, narcissistic, codependent parents who had every intention of doing everything right, but because of their lack of humility, awareness, consciousness, empathy, and understanding, did many things wrong. My parents did not self-reflect and they never asked themselves tough questions or checked their intentions. As a result, I was conditioned to think that because I was such a martyr, people-pleaser type person who allowed others to walk all over me, that somehow, everyone else in my life needed to change but me. I used to think, "if everyone was as considerate as I was, then the world would be an amazing place."
I had no clue I was living for the approval of others and that I had no true sense of self and that in much of my people-pleasing, I was not being truly authentic. In all of my ass-kissing, there was a huge attempt by me to get my unmet needs met--and while it is true--and even sad--that those unmet needs were the needs of my inner child--the adult that I became had no idea that her programming had caused her to be blind. I had no idea I was NOT looking within and I was addicted to expecting everyone else to have to change but me. Yes, I attracted a narcissist or two in my day, but it is also true, that had I learned to look within sooner--if I had learned to take responsibility for my feelings--if I had learned I had a right to say 'no' when I meant 'no' and that it was not necessary to fall apart when others did not agree with me, I certainly could have spared my life and my children a ton of chaos.
Don't wait to look within. If you have the desire to check yourself, it is better to do so sooner than later.
Healing is not for the faint of heart!
Namaste Dear Ones!
Shine on Dear Ones--shine on!