Codependency and Letting Go
by Lisa A. Romano
Codependents lack self-love, have little to no boundaries, dissociate, numb out, sometimes rage, and often fawn and cater to people we think might be angry at us for some reason. We can become co-dependent upon others for approval, as well as on our careers, and food. When we do not feel good enough, we can become co-dependent upon almost anything that helps us avoid the feelings of loneliness we feel on the inside.
As codependents, we have been programmed to seek validation, acceptance, and permission to feel what we feel and think about what we think. Even when we are 'feeling' and 'believing' we should end a friendship or some other type of a relationship like a marriage or business agreement, we struggle with believing we have a right to do so. Even when we get angry, we look to the one who has pushed our buttons for permission to feel upset.
When it comes to letting go, it helps to consciously accept that none of us ever let go because we want to.
Letting go is always painful.
We always doubt ourselves and we are never happy about doing so. We let go because the person we trusted has acted in a way that has caused us to understand that the trust we once had is gone. We let go because we understand, that the person we care for does not value who we are. We let go because, no matter how many times we have tried to resolve an issue, the issue never gets resolved. We let go because the relationship and communication between us and the other is too painful--it is unbalanced--one-sided--and or abusive.
Many of us wait until we feel better before we let go, pull the plug, and walk away. We think that we should be happy when we end toxic friendships or relationships. We think it should be easy to say 'Adios' to someone who has been such a huge part of our life who has also been abusive, but that simply is not true.
Letting go is painful no matter what the circumstances. It doesn't matter if you are letting go of an abusive partner, child, friend, co-worker, sibling, or grandparent. Anytime we let go--it hurts. It hurts especially if we are a codependent because so much of our psyche has been rooted in attachment to others. Letting go requires a great shift of mind, body, and spirit.
Have you let go and assumed it should have been easier to do so, or are you struggling with letting go of a relationship today? If so, what if you learned to surrender and accept that letting go is never easy and is always painful.
Sometimes letting go of our attachments to others can feel like we are dying. Because we have made others opinion, ideas, love, affection, and acceptance such a tremendous part of our lives, when we decide to let them go, a huge reason for living seems to be dying.
Be gentle with learning to let go--and know that there is a better, healthier, more abundant life outside of the codependent mindset, even though you might feel like you are dying while learning to surrender and let go.