Jul 09, 2022

Codependency and Coercive Control

by Lisa A. Romano

12 part advanced audio series on codependency recovery codependency and coercive control coercive control

Coercive Control in Intimate Partner Relationships

It sucks but it is what it is.

I am not one to wear rose-colored glasses or to pretend that relationships are not what they are, especially when one person tends to be the giver and the other is the taker.

I am all for love and light, forgiveness, growing, learning, and spiritual as well as emotional growth, however, pretending there are not predator-type personalities in our midst, is akin to NOT teaching our children about the risk of stranger danger.

One of you recently wrote me and reminded me that the Bible states;

"We are to be as wise as a serpent and as harmless as a dove."

In other words, we are being sent forth as sheep amongst wolves and we better KNOW THAT upfront so we can PROTECT ourselves from the harshness that exists in the physical world!

Those of us with codependency, or who come to this world with a calling to want to heal, fix, or take care of others, often FORGET that WOLVES exist. Our ACHING for LOVE, CONNECTION, and AFFECTION, blind us to the harsh realities of life and can actually lead to our physical, mental and emotional demise!

I can speak with authority on this because codependency, in my opinion, greatly contributed to my mother's demise and it was on its way to destroying me and the lives of my children as well.

Codependency is tied to childhood emotional neglect, as well as abuse and if you struggle to OWN your SELF, your MIND, your OPINIONS, and you do not have a positive sense of SELF, your sense of happiness hinges on how other's perceive or treat you, Dear One, you are far MORE likely to become a victim of coercive control.

Coercive Control

So what is coercive control and how can you spot it before it gets out of hand?

Many of us have been conditioned to perceive abuse as ONLY including actual physical violence but that just is not the case.

Coercive control is defined as any actions or patterns of acts of assault, threats, humiliation, intimidation, or other abuse that is used to harm, punish or FRIGHTEN the victim.

The goal?

Dependency, isolation, deprivation, and a loss of personal identity.

Invisible chains, no one else can see, feel, or acknowledge tether a victim to a predator. The world of someone trapped inside a relationship that hinges on coercive control is one of confusion, cognitive dissonance, intimidation, self-doubt, and fear.

Some examples include:

Keeping tabs on you.
Monitoring your online activity.
Controlling, managing, and monopolizing your time.
Questioning your intentions regarding who you hang out with or speak to.
Depriving you of food, medical treatment, and the right to speak to your loved ones.
Questioning your sanity.
Humiliating you either in front of others or behind closed doors.
Making you feel like you are unworthy of respect.
Blaming you for why you are mistreated.
Removing your ability to make financial decisions.
Ignoring your right to make decisions within a family system with the intention of devaluing your power within the system is a form of degradation.
Installing spyware on your phone, or computer, or attaching GPS systems to your car to track your whereabouts.

Degradation and Deprivation

Degrading you while depriving you of what you deserve to feel like a human being are two key elements of coercive control according to a study of data from England and Wales. This study also found that women are far more likely to suffer coercive control than men. (Myhill 2015)

Most of us never learned about narcissistic personality traits, codependency, finances, fitness, or nutrition while we were in school and yet, as adults, if we experienced childhood neglect or abuse, chances are we end up in toxic relationships, with financial as well as mental and physical health concerns.

The very BASICS for living a fulfilling, inspired, prosperous, balanced life were things we were never taught! Sure, we know how to do long division, and convert inches into centimeters, but do we know how to take care of ourselves when a narcissistic, sociopathic, ill-intended personality crosses our path??????

NOPE!

Teach Yourself What They Should Have Taught You

Today, I am 57 years old and I admit it took me until I was about 45 years old to really start taking care of myself, mind, body, soul, as well as financially. I am a late bloomer for sure, but that's because I needed to spend the first half-century of my life mastering the consequences of emotional, and verbal abuse, as well as the after-effects of coercive control by various people that I have loved throughout my life.

It's NOT pretty to imagine, but I full-heartedly believe it was my mother's intention to make me feel unworthy as a child. Her emotional immaturity left deep scars, that created a negative self-identity within me, that manifested in the way I showed up in the world, and as a result, I developed codependency.

Feeling unworthy made me far easier to manipulate, intimidate and convince that I was NOT being abused when in fact I was.

It is my hope, that the work I offer helps you become AWAKENED to what relationship abuse looks and feels like so that you have the power to start your self-education process.

In my world, everyone I knew was either in a toxic relationship, was codependent, or was so accustomed to feeling controlled within their relationships, that they could not identify what abuse actually was, so to them, I was just ungrateful, selfish, and a bit** for daring to want to HONOR the BURNING desire I had to FREE myself from the INVISIBLE CHAINS no one else could see, by me and my ex KNEW existed between us.

If you are struggling to understand codependency, and you want TOOLS that can help you RELEASE yourself from the INVISIBLE CHAINS codependency is, this ADVANCED 12 PART AUDIO SERIES is an IMPORTANT STEP in your EMOTIONAL FREEDOM JOURNEY! Use this alone or in combination with The 12 Week Breakthrough Coaching Program to ENHANCE your Emotional Freedom Journey!

Your best defense against coercive control, gaslighting, deprivation, degradation, and intimidation is SELF KNOWLEDGE!

Abusers WANT you to live in fear, and UNABLE to make INDEPENDENT CHOICES! They want you to use all your MENTAL ENERGY worrying about what THEY think about you...

OMG...just writing about this topic INFURIATES me...because I KNOW so many people out there don't even know they are being ABUSED.

It is my hope, that you AWAKEN a little bit more each and every day and that one day, that SWITCH goes off in that BEAUTIFUL head of yours, and you DECIDE to take small actionable steps that one day leads to your TOTAL EMOTIONAL FREEDOM and you BREAKTHROUGH CODEPENDENCY for good!

If you are ready to take ONE STEP towards your BREAKTHROUGH, this 12-Part Advanced Audio Series is on sale at an incredible discounted price!

When you register, you gain IMMEDIATE access to 12 downloadable MP3 files that you can listen to at your leisure! Listen often, take notes, and then put into ACTION what I teach in this ADVANCED AUDIO SERIES on CODEPENDENCY RECOVERY!

Here's what Patti recently had to say about learning about the good as well as the bad...

Dear Lisa,

Thank you for your teachings! You have helped me in so many ways. I'm glad you teach on the narcissist because that has helped me to confirm what I already knew but didn't know what it was. It's helped me to take control of my life again and to understand I was not the problem. Down deep inside I knew I wasn't but I was being gaslit, manipulated, and led to believe I was crazy. And was even told that I was crazy, that I needed mental help. I was told I was weird, my past was regularly thrown up in my face, I was called a b****, and I was told I was the worst mistake of his life by marrying me. I could go on and on and on but with your help, I now realize this isn't my problem at all, it's his! Everything he accused me of was a product of his own life.

So, please don't stop teaching on the narcissist or anything else you've been teaching on. It is making a positive difference. You have to know the good and the bad in order to determine what is reality.

Thanks again,

Patti

Dear One, I share my personal struggles as well as triumphs with you to help you BELIEVE in the power of an ORGANIZED MIND. Childhood trauma scrambles our brain's neurology, wires us for survival, and then in turn, our brain focuses on AVOIDING pain, which often manifests in relationships that we discover we need to manage by way of denying our right to experience our emotions for the sake of keeping others happy.

I say, F**K that, yes, I use curse words from time to time when appropriate...and YES, I think, identifying screwed up belief systems and thought processes is worth cussing over...because until YOU know what you're doing wrong, you can't ever learn what you need to do RIGHT in order to BREAKTHROUGH CODEPENDENCY, which means you remain a SOFT TARGET for PREDATOR TYPE PERSONALITIES.

That's no BUENO!

It is my hope, that the programs, books, videos, webinars and posts I create MOTIVATE, and INSPIRE you to BELIEVE that RAINBOWS only show up AFTER the storm.

May you BELIEVE in your ability to TAKE CONTROL over your mind, emotions, beliefs, actions, decisions, and thus your FUTURE.

The FUTURE is not FIXED, so don't allow a narcissist, or emotionally abuser to CONVINCE you that THEIR reality of you is the only reality that exists.

That's a bunch of B/S...

Thank you for being someone who is interested in OWNING the RIGHT to ORGANIZE their mind in ALIGNMENT with their GOD-GIVEN DIVINITY!

Remember the Bible's simile...

"Be as wise as a serpent and as harmless as a dove!"

To achieve such a mental state requires KNOWLEDGE and the APPLICATION of PROVEN TOOLS!

We got this!