Mar 28, 2022


by Lisa A. Romano

#codependency #narcissism break the cycle

Developing Boundaries In Childhood

When we were younger, we should have been developing a narcissistic boundary or an ego boundary that says, “this is who I am.” Imagine healthy narcissism or an ego boundary like a container or a boundary line like a circle around you. Now imagine your aura, and inside this aura, you hear things like “this is who I am, this is what I think, this is what I feel” and “this is what I need; this is what I will not tolerate, these are my desires, and these are my dreams.” 

But that space is empty when you come from a narcissistic or an alcoholic home or a home where your parents were completely oblivious, fought all the time, and tried to pin the kids against one another; you can't develop that aura of healthy narcissism.

In fact, that boundary doesn't even exist, so you become a child that clashes with authority figures, you become a child who lives in fear of criticism; you are still that infant looking for that sense of self to be mirrored back to you as an adult, how sad is it that so many of us get dressed and think “I hope he likes it, I hope he likes my dinner,” and “I hope he likes the way I speak” and you look for clues on dates for whether or not this person is enjoying you.

This happens with men too, the whole “I hope she likes me, I hope she likes my car, I hope she thinks I'm going to be a good dad, I hope she thinks I make enough money,” not even wondering “Do I like the way this woman speaks to me? Can she hear me? Does she have empathy? Is she all self-absorbed? Does she pay more attention to her phone than our conversations?”

When you are codependent and live below the veil of consciousness, all of that very important critical thinking gets knocked out the window. You are focused on one thing, which is getting that person to love you. Why do you ask? Because you never felt loved your whole life and you're looking to feel loved, how sad is that when there is an entire world within you that is lovable, and that is worthy?

Learning to break free

You've got to learn how to grow within a world that you don't know, a world that you don't understand, and that is terrifying, and that's why a support system helps massively.

I have an online program that helps people do this. Still, support systems groups like CoDA or even going to Al-Anon, seeing a therapist that understands codependency, CPTSD in and out, would be extremely beneficial because codependency, in my opinion, is a trauma response. 

When you are confronted with a painful memory or a shame memory that triggers the amygdala, the natural response is to let go and worry about someone else, or clean or cook or take on something because when you do that, you're fleeing the internal reality.

But narcissists exist in this plane of non-reality or the plane of the past; it is an unconscious plane, and narcissists may never escape it in their lifetime. 

Because if you have loved a narcissist, you get to a point where you realize that this is soul-crushing, and you're lucky if you get to that point where you say, “Whoa, where have I been? I've been on some underwater ride!” and I just went off, what had happened to me as a result of my body becoming so physically ill, I was afraid I was going to die with asthma. I was developing all these autoimmune diseases, and I felt that I would die if I didn't get out of this matrix. 

Moving forward

I can tell you that it was the most difficult challenge of my life to look within myself to step into an unknown universe and do the necessary work to stick at it, to question my thoughts and recognize a co-dependent thought versus a non-codependent thought. 

It meant losing friends, and I also walked out of my marriage with no alimony, no health care, and no access to his pension or social security.

I walked out of that matrix, I believed in myself, and I can tell you that if you're on this journey with so many of us who are awakening, I support you, and I wish you well on your journey. 

You need to be yourself, but to be yourself, you need to navigate a universe that is unknown to you, and it is the scariest thing in the world to look within.

The inner path is long enough to find everything you've been looking for; love, peace, contentment, and joy to break the chains of codependency.

Namaste everybody until next time!

If you would like to learn more about how the codependent and narcissistic dynamic keeps you watch this video on my YouTube Channel.

You can also check out the rest of my website  for some more resources, as well as my 12-Week Breakthrough Program and Codependency Quiz.