10 SIGNS YOU’RE HEALING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL WOUNDS Part 2
by Lisa A. Romano
In my previous blog, I discussed five signs that you’re healing from childhood emotional wounds and the importance of identifying that you are healing. These signs allow you to know where you are going and that you are moving in the right direction on your healing journey.
Whilst it is important to know the warning signs, it is equally as important to recognize the healing signs and know that what you are doing is the right thing for you and your Divine Self.
Here I will share with you the final five signs that you are healing from your childhood emotional wounds.
Sign #6: You’re Don’t Feel Stuck Anymore
Another sign that you're healing is that you don't feel stuck anymore.
So as you heal, your entire mind opens up and begins to think in an entirely new way out of survival, and the amygdala, your prefrontal lobe, has come back online. So suddenly, you want more from life. You start to develop an internal hunger; you’re not living in survival anymore.
“You want to come out of the cave. You want it. You want to learn; you want to explore.”
You want to move. You want to come out of your comfort zone. You want to take chances; you’re willing to take a hit every once in a while. At least you're living, right?
You're not living right; you’re just existing. So as you're healing, you're not stuck anymore. You're willing to take chances and see what happens, and then you get over that challenge, keep going and going and going. You've created momentum in your life, so you want to take on new hobbies.
You want to attract positive friendships. You have this urge within you suddenly; rather than sitting around all day, not setting goals, living in the cave, not moving forward, you want to create forward-moving momentum in your life. You can also avoid those who don't want to grow, which is very important, and there are plenty of people who say they want to grow, but if you look at what they do, they're not growing. They're not going into therapy; they’re not journaling; they’re not meditating; they’re not eating well. They talk a big talk right, they're great at talking, but things never change right.
So this is really important, especially if you're in a relationship with someone who you think might be narcissistic or living really below the veil of consciousness. Be careful of the person or the partner who tells you that they're going to change, and they don't change because that will keep you stuck, so you're less reactive.
Sign #7: Focusing On What You Can vs Can’t Control
So one of the sure signs you're healing from the past is when you notice you are less reactive to things you can't control. Here's the key: I can tell you that this is where the rubber meets the road when it comes to self-mastery.
If you want to master anything in your life, pay attention to what you can control versus what you can't control right.
Very quickly, can I control this? Can I control this and then go into a state of non-resistance? Not easy to do, right? People say I want my ex-husband to stop texting me. You can't stop the man from texting you. What you can do is you can block him from your phone, but you can't get him to a point where he stops doing this thing that he's doing, because you have no control over him.
So many people will say to me, I want him to stop texting me, or I want her to stop talking bad to my children about me. You can't control what comes out of another person's mouth, but how many of us are in emotional quicksand, because we get all ticked off that this person is doing something that we don't want them to do, that we think is wrong. Yet when we slip into their skin, they've got a long list of the things that they don't want us to do right. My ex didn't want me to get divorced. My ex didn't want me to go into therapy. My ex didn't want me to go back to school. In his head from his perspective, this was threatening.
However, on the surface, I had no right to do it. So when we start thinking about people as autonomous human beings for every judgment that we have for someone else, trust me, they've got a bunch for us too. So we have to start seeing things more realistically. That doesn't mean that my ex-husband had the right, but that doesn't make it mature.
It doesn't make it spiritual, it doesn't make it not narcissistic or egotistical to not want me to grow or to resent me growing, but he has a right to live his life that way and to attract people into his life that are non-threatening to him. That's his! That's his life experience, he has the right to do that, and I have a right to not be a part of that experience. However, it took a while to weave that marital blanket and it took me a while to unweave that marital blanket, but thankfully I didn't give up. I almost did. I almost settled, but I didn't, and I kept going, and I'm so grateful, and you can too.
So as you're healing you're going to notice that you're less reactive, you're going to notice if people say things to you that you don't want, to give this person who is highly reactive, your energy. You're going to start to find value in Shutti, Shutti, okay.
Maybe the nasty cashier is having a moment, maybe they don't feel good. You know one of the most powerful emotional tools there is on the planet is understanding how the other person feels.
Now, a narcissist is highly intuitive in that they understand how you feel, and they manipulate you - I'm not talking about that, and so they influence the way you think about them, they influence the way you think about yourself, they influence the way you see the world. But, when we're talking about healthy people, we can be intuitive and we can try just for a moment to understand how that person feels, and then for a moment, see it through their eyes. That doesn't mean that we agree with them, it just means we take a moment to say, maybe this cashier is having a really bad day. I don't know her or I don't know him. This has nothing to do with me. So in this moment, I'm not going to take it personally. If you can do that, that's a sign that you're healing.
I want to tell you one of the things I used to tell my children: I remember my son was about 16/17 years old, we're teaching him how to drive, he’s very tense behind the wheel and getting irritated at other drivers. I try to teach him this idea that you can't control other drivers, and the last thing that you want to do is: there's a Tasmanian Devil on the road driving right, highly reactive, super irresponsible, risking their life, risking the lives of other people and you. And as long as you let the Tasmanian Devil drive by you, you two do not collide, your lives never intersect, not really, it might pass you by, but they don't intersect, they don't interlock. And so, if you think about things like road rage, when someone drives past you really fast, you get really scared, but then there are people that chase that driver and it gets ugly and then what happens is that one Tasmanian Devil clashes with another, highly reactive, energy. Now we have this collision and now we can be intertwined through law cases forever indefinitely. I don't want that. I don't want anything to do with that right.
So, as you're healing, you start to discern, like wow, if I react to this, I become more energetically and messed with this. Do I want this in my life? I don't think so - Bye Felicia! And you just let the person drive on, and you bless them because the last thing you want is for this person to hurt themselves or hurt someone else because your kids are on the road. So that's a sign that you're healing.
Sign #8: Your Inner Dialogue Changes
Another sign that you're healing is that your inner dialogue changes. So when you are healing, you will notice an uptick in your inner dialogue. If anything's going to change your life, it's the way you talk to yourself, and most people think that the thoughts in their heads are conscious thoughts. They don't realize that worrisome thoughts are often not controlled because what you want to do is get to a point where you can see your thoughts like wild horses, and it's your job to bring them in to break them.
To break your thoughts right, so if it's a really nasty negative thought, you want to break that thought until there's non-resistance to what you're thinking about and you've developed a thought that allows you to feel better or less powerless right. And so that's why when I'm in a situation, and I'm trying to determine what can I control versus what can't I control, I find power in finding the answer.
I want to share a time when I realized that my inner dialogue had changed: I've recently had my basement flood. I walked into the basement, and Anthony just had a biopsy that day because he's going through some medical issues right now, but he was in no shape to help me empty out the water in the basement. So I accepted that, and I didn't complain.
It was just like, okay, what can I control versus what can I not control? I’ve got to get down there and empty the basement. I couldn’t control that he just had a biopsy, and so I went to work to get the water out of the basement, and at that moment, I felt less powerless. I felt powerful and empowered, so your inner dialogue will go from feeling bad for yourself, judging other people, being critical about yourself, ticking off about you, knowing things that happen, everyday stuff, because we live in a physical world. Things will happen, and everything that happens is an opportunity for us to change how we respond. So with things that are happening outside of us, we don't make a big deal, and I think that's part of the thing that we learn.
We come to learn: “How do I make this thing that's in front of me not such a big deal, and once I'm able to, make it not such a big deal?”. That’s the lesson to learn. If I don't learn the lesson, it will show up again; it might show up with a different last name. It might show up with a mustache this time, or it might show up in a different car or a different zip code. But it's showing up until I learned my lesson, and so I look at it that way.
So, when you're healing, you'll notice an uptick in your inner dialogue, negative, victim, or self-righteousness, is replaced with more positive, fair-minded, realistic thinking; it’s a beautiful thing. You judge yourself and others less. Your inner dialogue sounds uplifting, self-compassionate and is also encouraging. You will be encouraged to get out of your comfort zone, but the voice will be a loving and nurturing one so opposed to “you suck, you're awful, you idiot…”. You give yourself a break.
Okay, so you forgot to mail a letter, but you know now you can get the letter out today, offer the people a letter of apology, call them up and say: “I'm really sorry, you know it was my fault. I didn't get the letter out in time, but I'm getting it out today. Please forgive me?”, boom, done, move on. So we don't hurt ourselves with inner dialogue anymore; it changes. It becomes more positive.
Sign #9: You Start Cutting Cords
The next thing that you do is you begin to cut cords. So parents have tremendous control over their children, and as we heal, we are more likely to confront our mothers and fathers in ways, and this goes for family and friends as well like extended family sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles and friends.
So we're willing to confront these people in our lives in a way that we couldn't before because before, we may have been in fear of losing their approval.
“But as we get our own approval, we're filling up our own love tank.”
I love that expression by John Bradshaw, “we're filling up our own love tank”. Now we're more confident, we're less critical of the self, we're more self-compassionate, we're more self-nurturing, and we're more able to get out of our comfort zone.
We're more responsible. Our inner dialogue is changing; we’re going to bed on time, waking up at the right time, really taking care of the self and setting boundaries. And now I'm identifying what I like, what I don't like, and what I can control versus what I can’t control.
I don't have to sit through a crazy Sunday meal with you people. I don’t have to agree with you, hey sis, I love you, but I don't see it that way, and that's okay. You don't have to see it my way, and I don't have to see it your way. That's the beauty of being an individual, but you know we should respect one another's opinion because my opinion is based on my life experiences.
So how can you judge that? How can I judge your life experiences? I haven't walked in your shoes; I’m not in your skin. Dear One, I have no idea what you have experienced since before you were born. I have no right to judge you; whatever you think and feel is valid based on your perceptions, experiences, and everything and everyone.
I have no right to judge you, and I don't, and that's why I have very little tolerance for people who judge me, but I accept it: hey, no problem, they're here to learn in their own way. You know I'm just a drop in the ocean, and that's it. I've got to pay attention to my own life, focus on what I want, focus on my own personal growth, my own expansion and honor myself and live out my passion. That's my job, right! And part of my job is to help other people do that for themselves. It's a beautiful thing. It's really the way we help the world shift.
So as much as we're supposed to evolve. You know our brain is evolving. We've got to evolve, emotionally and we've got to catch up. We have to go from being emotionally unintelligent to emotionally intelligent right, that’s very important. You could be the most skilled airplane pilot, but you could be a real pain in the neck to work with. No one wants to fly with you. No one wants to be your co-pilot even though you're very skilled, you may even have a PhD, but you might be a pain in the neck. Who wants to hang out with that person? I don't. I have no time.
“My time on earth is limited, and it's a valuable commodity to me and my family and the people that I love.”
So these are the things that we learn about ourselves and other people as we're healing. So we start to cut the cords with family and friends. When you're healing, you are far more likely to confront a parent; for instance, you may love someone who is also showing signs of hypocrisy, narcissism or who constantly finds ways to rain on your parade, so cutting the cord is a necessary requirement towards self-actualization.
You are healing and, as you are healing, you will be far more able to see the flaws in others as well as yourself. Healing will cause you to love the truth more than you fear losing the approval. It's essential that we recognize that as much as we're trying to find out what's up with someone else, we try to find out what's wrong with us.
When I say what's wrong, I'm not talking about shame; I mean, where are the holes in our thinking? The other thing that I like to say is: Where are the neurological links that stink in my head? Where are there associations to a thing that keeps me stuck, and how can I move past it?
We recently had a client tell us about this issue with washing the dishes. When she was a child, she would be made to wash the family dishes, even though there was not a dish in the sink that was hers. So she has an emotional neurological belief system, an association tied to doing the dishes.
So as an adult, she'll look at this sink full of dishes, and she's like, “I'm not doing them”, and at the moment, she's like “ha!”. She's like, “the heck with you dishes”, but when she wakes up, she's like, “oh man, I’ve got to do the dishes”, and she feels bad that she didn't do the dishes the night before. It's simply a pattern from childhood resurfacing. She feels powerless and resentful over these dishes. It's a challenge, and in the moment, every time there's a sink full of dishes is an opportunity for her to make peace with the dishes, make peace with what you have to do in life.
There are no free lunches in life. So if I want to wake up and come into my kitchen and see my kitchen nice and neat as soon as I wake up, I have to pay the price. I have to clean the dishes. They are my dishes now, right see how that works? If I want peace of mind and my mind is matted, there are no free lunches; it doesn't happen like that. I have to work for it, baby.
I’ve got to do what I have to do to clear my mind. To clear my mind, I have to put in the effort. So when other people are out partying, I might have to go home and do some self-analysis. I might have to go home and do journaling. I might have to wake up early in the morning, which means I might have to go to bed early when everybody else is out having a good time. I might have to set a precedent to and set a regimen for myself, so that I can nurture myself. Why? Because that is the price that I'm willing to pay for a clear mind.
Sign #10: You Can Clear Your Mind:
A clear mind is honestly amazing Dear One and what is amazing is that anybody can do it; literally, anybody can do it now.
I hear some of you saying, like no, not me. Yes, you. You can clear your mind. Even just a little bit by saying, “what can I control versus what can't I control?” and imagining a different reality. No matter who you are, you have to understand that if you keep thinking the same thoughts, you're impressing the subconscious mind with the same ideas. I'm never going to make it; it’s always going to be this bad, life is so hard, things don't happen for me, I have bad luck, everybody else has good luck, I'm not thin, I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I don't have a college degree…
Tony Robbins doesn't have a college degree. Hello! Have you heard about Tony Robbins? Seriously think about that? Do an internet search of the people you know who don't have college degrees that went for it, trusted their internal guidance, and instead of thinking that they couldn't; they found ways to think that they could. And every time a challenge came before them, they said, “okay, how am I going to fix this?”. Even if they got knocked down, they kept getting back up again. The human spirit is strong, but we have to align our intentions with a desired reality, and at the moment, we've got to do everything that we can to harness that power.
“And so as much as it is important to figure out what's wrong, I think it's equally important for us to know when we're on the right path.”
Why? So you can stay on the right path, so you can continue to do what you're doing. So the light within you grows and expands, and the light that you are becomes this incredible lighthouse for other people.
This is how we help the world grow and expand, and I am honored to share this time and space with you, my brothers and my sisters. We are human beings, there is one race, there is one universe, and we're all children of that universe, and it's an honor to share this time and space with you.
Thank you so much for being here, and if you love learning about personal development work, if you're struggling with codependency, if you want to learn how to master yourself, check out my 12-week breakthrough coaching program.
Remember when you're out and about, don't forget to thank your greatest asset.
Namaste everybody, until next time.
If you would like to learn more about the importance of healing childhood emotional wounds and the signs you’re healing, watch this video on my YouTube Channel, where I dive into each aspect you should know about that can aid you in your recovery.