10 Texting Red Flags 🚩 Don’t Ignore These Warning Signs! Part 2
by Lisa A. Romano
The dating world can be really confusing these days, with many of us having to rely on texting to get to know someone. In part one, I gave you some of the red flags that you should look for to help you weed out the people you’re texting so that you know whether or not someone is wasting your time! In this part, I will be giving you five more red flags to look out for.
Red Flag #1: Only Booty Calls
A sign that texting is going nowhere is that this person only calls you when they need something. So maybe he needs a ride home from a bar, or she needs a ride home from the bus station, or maybe it's just about the good old booty call. It's the middle of the night, and this person wants something from you, and you have a pattern of running to them, driving them somewhere or watching their kids so that they can go to the store - you don't know if they're going to the store, they could be out there to meet somebody else. This happens.
This happens especially when we avoid the red flags. When you're dealing with someone who you only know through text, and only texts you and is only kind, only sweet, love-bombing you when they want something; this is a sign that they are wasting your time, and this is a sign that you can see in a text message.
If this person generally ignores you, doesn't want to get to know you, takes hours or days to text you back, doesn't ask you questions, doesn't answer your questions, but you see that you’re love-bombed and lured in with some fancy talk and what happens next when you respond is the good old “this is what I want from you”. You have to see that as a pattern. You have to see that as a red flag, and again, it's not easy to see red flags when you have been abandoned, when you have been abused by someone who has high narcissistic traits because you doubt yourself. It takes a lot of courage to see that and to cut it off.
When I think back to what I tolerated, I shake in my head like, “why did I put up with that?”. It boggles my mind, and I have nothing but empathy and compassion for that young woman who thought that's all she was worthy of, and I know that lots of my clients and lots of the people that come through my Facebook group that this is their reality too; what we put up with is ridiculous, and this goes for both men, and it goes for women. What we tolerate inside of relationships is unacceptable. So much of it can be traced back to never feeling like we had any worth and to feeling like breadcrumbs are better than nothing, thinking, “At least I got some, you know he's a narcissist, but at least he's MY narcissist, at least I’m not alone for Christmas, at least I got somebody by my side.” Really?
“Remember that what you believe you are worthy of is what you will receive.”
It goes down to belief, and a belief can be changed. Sometimes it's worth questioning what we believe about relationships and what we believe about our worth. Your life will not change until you start questioning those beliefs because I can tell you that I’ve come out the other side of it, and it wasn't easy to confront that wounded person inside of me that put up with so much. It wasn't easy to face, it was all I had ever known, and when you're starving, that bread crumb looks really, really good. But you have to have faith in something unseen. You have to believe that you could have more and that you're worth more, and that takes a lot of courage.
If you see a pattern of someone ignoring you, blowing you off and then all of a sudden texting you when they need something. Please don't ignore that red flag!
Red Flag #2: Short Answers
Another sign that this relationship is going nowhere is that you only receive short yes or no answers, so you're dealing with someone who doesn't invest in the conversation.
If I ask you if you have plans for the weekend and you only write yes, what does that even mean? Okay, you've got plans this weekend, but we're trying to date, and we're trying to get this relationship off the ground; it’s so confusing when you respond like that - if you're not interested, then say so.
I'd rather be ghosted than have someone send me yes or no text messages because it's so confusing. If they don't answer the question outside of yes or no, and they don't follow up the question with an inquiring question about you and how you did, this is a pure indicator that this person isn't that interested and doesn’t really want to get to know you. This doesn’t make this person a narcissist; it could make them highly immature, not ready for a committed relationship. I think there are way too many options out there today for many of us, so it can be difficult, but it's our job to vet these people.
The question is: how long are you going to tolerate this person just giving you one-word answers, not being inquisitive, and showing absolutely zero interest? How long are you going to tolerate that?
It was a huge turning point in my life. I began to no longer tolerate this and realized that I would rather be miserable and alone than miserable because someone's making me miserable because at least if I’m the source of my own misery, I have complete control over that. I can work on myself. I can invest in myself.
Red Flag #3: Asks for Intimate Pictures
The next red flag is really common: when someone either sends or asks for intimate body pictures right away or early on. So straight away, it's all about what you look like; it’s very sexual and very flirty. This is an indicator that they don’t want to get to know you. They only want to know you in a certain way.
How many of us look for love in all the wrong places? How many of us settle for sexual relationships versus really vulnerable and intimate committed relationships? How many of us do that? We don't have to, we really don't have to. But again when we think about growing up, starved of love and affection, and then all of a sudden someone says to us: here's a breadcrumb, it's hard to pass that breadcrumb up.
We want a committed relationship. We don't want to be just seen for our body; we don't want to be in a relationship with someone purely for sex. We want something more. We want the whole package, but it's tough when someone is telling us that we're beautiful and someone's telling us that we're the greatest thing that they've ever known. All these things that a highly narcissistic chameleon would say to someone; it's really hard not to believe it, even though our instincts tell us this isn't good, this person is moving too fast, etc.
If you notice that when you start texting someone and right away, it's about the way that you look or vice versa, and it gets crazy, and sexual right away, this is a sign that this person is not interested in getting to know you. This is a sign that this person wants to get to know you sexually, or this is someone who may not have any interest in meeting you but is enjoying the gratification that they're receiving through the manipulation of the words in a text message and getting you to play along. They're just enjoying being able to get you to drop your guard to send them pics or to be vulnerable with them. It's a very self-serving, one-sided relationship, so just be careful because this is a significant indicator that you're dealing with someone who is not interested in you - and I would say this is an indicator that you're dealing with someone with very high narcissistic traits.
Red Flag #4: They’re Vulgar
Another sign that this person isn't interested in you and doesn't care about you as a person is that they're vulgar. They're rude, they're saying things outside of social norms, and you're letting them know that's not cool or right. You could say, “I don't agree with that,” and they just don't care; they're constantly prodding you, looking to get a rise out of you.
This is an indicator that you're dealing with someone who really doesn't care about you as a person. This is someone who might enjoy being obnoxious and wants to see how far they can push you. Someone who's really interested in you is going to care about how you feel, they're respectful of you. But when you're dealing with someone who's judgmental right off the bat and very critical, even in a text message and you've never met them before, this is a sign that you're wasting your time.
Red Flag #5: You Never Meet
This last one seems obvious when I say it, but again, I’ve watched my daughter go through this, and it's just mind-boggling texting somebody for weeks, and you never meet them like there's always like this future faking thing.
You’re texting someone for several weeks and no matter what happens - they tell you that you're going to meet them, but when you get a few days before you're actually supposed to meet them, something always happens. There's this excuse, so you never meet them and then the weekend goes by, and you get this weird text saying that they got this weird flu or they had to work all weekend, they couldn't get to their phone, etc. Are you kidding me?
If you're someone who wants to be in a relationship with somebody and you've come from really dysfunctional, ridiculous relationships, and you think this person is nice, you've got this cognitive bias. You’re thinking they're so kind to you, they're so sweet in the text message, but every time you come to the point where you're supposed to meet them, you don't meet them.
I think on our quest to find people that are compatible, on our quest to find our soulmate and our divine mate, someone who we feel like we can travel life with, I think we have to start with true self-accountability. You can’t ignore the red flags when they present themselves.
Finding The Right Person:
People say that love is the answer, but unfortunately loving someone isn’t enough, because that person has to love you back. The person you want has to be considerate; they can't block attempts to get to know them; they can't kick you when you're down, you can't have a healthy relationship when you feel like you’re adversaries, when you feel like you're in one corner and your spouse is in the other.
When there is stonewalling, when there is gaslighting, when there is blame-shifting, where there's this cold indifference to what you think and what you feel, nothing will erode a relationship more than not caring about what your partner thinks or how they feel; showing absolute indifference for the human being that they are.
If you know you are in a situation where you're trying to figure out if this person is worth your time, please know that if you ignore red flags, it's very possible to end up in a situation where you’re telling yourself that things are better than they actually are. By ignoring the red flags and talking yourself out of the red flags, you’re creating this bias in your head.
It’s really interesting what happens psychologically when you create a cognitive bias; the human condition is to knock out all of the realities that are in opposition to what we want. So if I want to get married, and I want to have babies, and I want the white picket fence and Joe Schmo walks into my experience; even if I have nothing in common with him, and he kind of irritates me, Joe Schmo is going to look pretty good and then my brain will create a bias about my future reality.
In this situation we’re not understanding that we have a right to want what we want and we have a right to want a relationship that really does empower us, but that takes self-accountability. That means that I am willing to confront a bias.
When we have these biases, it's very easy to ignore these red flags, because we don't want to deal with the reality that this might not be the relationship for us. We don't want to let go of that breadcrumb. So it's essential that, while we're on the quest to find a divine mate or a compatible partner, that we don't lie to ourselves and that early on, we pay attention to what is a red flag, and we don't have to get caught up.
I hope that this has been helpful. Don’t let the people with these signs waste your time! Every breath you take is precious; your time is precious, don’t waste it on somebody who is not in it for the long haul.
You can also go to my website to take the codependency quiz and find plenty of advice and free resources for you on my YouTube channel.
Namaste everybody, until next time.
Head to my website: https://www.lisaaromano.com/
Check out my Codependency Quiz: https://www.lisaaromano.com/codependency-quiz