Twenty years ago, my children and I were living in the eye of a messy emotional tornado. The fringes of our family unit were coming undone and my ex-husband and I were cracking under the pressure of over a decade of unresolved b/s.
When you decide to change your life by ending a marriage and especially when you have children, the angst of the innumerable unknowns rattles your brain. Times like the holidays become feared and many of us discover we white-knuckle it until January 2nd.
When you are in the midst of change, you don't know that your brain is hyper-aware because it is trying to protect you and that it feels unsafe in unknown waters. All you know is you feel terrified.
For years my body, mind, soul, and even my children paid the price for my unconsciousness. I did not know I was codependent, feared abandonment, and felt powerless. Two decades ago if you would have suggested I was insecure, felt powerless, and expected others to offer me a sense of worth through my catering to them, I would have told you to go scratch your butt in Macy's window. Your comments would have triggered my 'I am not enough-stuff' and my ego would have felt the need to protect the aching inner child within.
Even though I would have been crying on the inside, on the outside all you would have seen was a stiff upper lip.
I have grown up a lot since then, and over the years I have learned to appreciate how external experiences impacts internal experiences. I have forgiven myself for being unaware I was unaware and work daily at keeping shame in control. When you grow up not feeling good enough, shame becomes like skin. And if you do not pay attention, shame will swallow you up, cause you to react, and stay stuck.
Two decades ago, my children were beginning to feel their family unravel. They were powerless victims of their parent's dysfunction and their inability to have civil and fair conversations. It wasn't their fault their holidays were wrought with anxiety, fear, and unknowns and that in a short time, the only life they knew was about to go caput.
Twenty years ago, my children were 2, 7, and 10. I was 34, and just piercing the veil of unconsciousness. I was still very much influenced by what my ex-husband, in-laws, mother, father, sister, and brother thought and believed about me. I was still codependent and lived in fear of disappointing those I loved. I was still stuck, seeking approval, stuffing my feelings, and confused about how to accept how I truly felt, honor my emotions, and what the f**k to do about all the feelings I had no clue how to navigate.
If you would have told me twenty years ago, that one day I would be happy and remarried, living on Long Island to a man with three daughters, and that I would be a Life Coach, and bestselling author my response would have been, "On what planet?" If you would have told me that my children would love my new husband like a father and that my new husband's daughters would love me too, I might have even checked your pulse.
The unhappier you are the harder it is to imagine a happy future. That's just a brain in pain.
The past two decades now feel like a classroom. The 3D reality was the chalkboard, my experiences were the lessons, and all of it mixed together were opportunities for me to ascend the childhood experiences that molded my ID, EGO, and SUPEREGO. Once I was unaware I was unaware and living out patterns from my past far below the veil of consciousness.
Once I did not know I could not get onto a new lesson until I learned the one at hand.
Today, my children are 22, 27, and 30. I am 54. The road we have traveled has been incredibly difficult, long, exhausting, frustrating, frightening, and on many days I wondered how we'd ever turn out.
I made a ton of mistakes along the way. Recovering from codependency is not a linear journey. We fall, we stumble, we react, we get scared, we act out patterns, we cry, we beg, we push people away, we run, we crawl, we fall again, but if we never give up, one day we grow up!
One day it finally all starts to click.
We know when we are seeking approval and we STOP.
We know when we are being bitchy and we STOP.
We know when we are being self-judgmental and we STOP.
We know when we are being critical of others and we STOP.
We know when we are engaging in emotional warfare and we STOP.
We know when we are recreating patterns and we STOP.
We know when we are enabling and we STOP.
When it finally starts to click, we have surrendered to the past, which is something we are not responsible for nor can change.
When it finally starts to click, we accept we are the ones that must change and not everyone is going to like it. We stop fussing when people are not who we want them to be.
When it finally starts to click, we become self-accountable for our thoughts, actions, and emotions.
When it finally starts to click, we no longer wait for someone outside of us to make us feel enough.
When it finally clicks, we get it--it was never us--it was only our programming.
The joke is, WE WERE ALWAYS ENOUGH and all the fussing and resisting we've done to prove ourselves worthy of love was born out of some illusion that had us believing we were not enough.
No matter how bumpy your road, or how long, or how tiring, never give up believing that dreams can and do come true.
Please enjoy this beautiful picture below. It is more than a photo of smiling faces on Christmas Eve.
It is a picture that says, 'The fight for your right to live above the veil is real and if you can commit to living a more aware, conscious life, there is nothing you cannot manifest, achieve, or make come true.'
I will never forget how dark my days used to be because remembering those dark days reminds me of how bright my days are today.
Dear One, find your light and let it shine!
Let others throw shade your way. Let them talk. Let them judge. Let them doubt. Let them mock you. Surrender to what you cannot control and then get on with manifesting the life you deserve.
Phase 1 is practice.
Phase 2 is a deliberate creation.
Happy Holidays Dear One!
Better days are ahead -- I promise.
All my love,
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