Jan 06, 2022


by Lisa A. Romano

Today, I will be talking about the five qualities a narcissistic person seeks to destroy in you.

What is narcissism?

When we're talking about narcissism, we're not talking about someone who's just having a bad day. We're talking about someone who has a pervasive pattern of exploiting people's emotions, finances, and sense of reality.

Narcissists are Entitled & Empathy Impaired:

We're talking about someone who has a pattern of entitlement, so they are entitled to abuse. They feel they are entitled to lie to you, entitled to step on other people to get what they want.

We are talking about someone who has a pattern of lacking empathy; this person is empathy impaired. So you tell your friend that your dog got hit by a car, and all she cares about is why you were late and why you couldn't pick her up on time. There seems to be a lack of understanding of what you have experienced emotionally. They may know that they should have empathy for you, but they can't cultivate the feeling of empathy. They can't relate to what you're experiencing on an emotional level.

This makes trying to have an authentic relationship or any type of relationship with someone who has these patterns impossible. If you step back and take a macro look at this person's life - you'll see it's not just you. This person will have a string of relationships that tend to be very frustrating - they only go one way. People who have been intimate with them will tell you that they felt exploited and unheard; they felt like their partner was indifferent to them. You will hear people talk about gaslighting, triangulation, and people from their families may even talk about projection and blame.

When you're dealing with someone who has a pattern of narcissism, there will always be this sense of frustration because they don’t have this ability to be self-reflexive.

Narcissists Reject Self-Inquiry:

The greatest philosophers have been trying to get people to question what they think and question what they believe. When we're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits, this is someone who rejects self-inquiry, at least in an authentic way. This is someone who cannot stand self-scrutiny, who will resent anyone suggesting that they are wrong, that they are imperfect and or flawed. The idea of being seen as vulnerable is like an ego death, and in order for a narcissist to survive, they must stay tethered to the ego.

The Importance of Knowing The Signs:

Knowing this is critical for people trying to figure this out. If you’re reading this, it’s probably because you’ve gotten to the point where you don't know where else to go with your frustration. You are beside yourself, trying to figure out a nonsensical rollercoaster relationship.

This person may even say they're sorry, but nothing ever changes. It is like groundhog's day every day. There is a whole lot of talking and not a whole lot of change, and you're just exhausted, right? If you understand what a narcissist is after and what is in you, they need to destroy you to become a source of narcissistic supply. It is far easier for you, then, to take a giant step back and say, now I understand what's going on. By understanding the labelling of the relationship dynamic, you can free yourself from it.

“You can choose to no longer play the game.”

Quality #1 - Your Sense of Self:

The first thing that a narcissist will try to destroy in you is your sense of self. The journey we're all on is to know the self again. This is something that the greatest Philosophers of time of all time have tried to help their students and society at large understand.

“The path to true contentment is to know the self, love the self and accept who you really are.”

Who am I? What do I think? How do I feel, and what do I need? But when you are dealing with a narcissist, this is the last thing they want. They don’t want you to know who you are, what you think, and feel. A narcissist must destroy or come in between you and your perception of self. They have to wiggle themselves in between you. In that space, they don't want you looking within anymore; they want you to focus solely on them.

They don't want you to ask: Who am I? What do I want? What do I think? How do I feel about this person? Is this Right for me?

The ability to see yourself as an autonomous 3D being is not what a narcissist wants.

Quality #2 - Your Sense of Reality:

The second thing a narcissist will seek to destroy is your sense of reality. We have to keep in mind that narcissists are self-focused; they're like ticks, and they have to adhere to a host to survive. Now, what does a tick do? They burrow their head into the skin of the host and then begin to suck their blood.

When you're dealing with someone who has high levels of narcissism, you're dealing with someone who cannot exist without attaching themselves to someone else and without extracting blood or energy from their host. You’ll start to recognize that your sense of reality has been distorted. There's a tick on your leg, Dear One, but it doesn’t want you to know that they've attached themselves to you, so they distort your sense of reality.

Narcissists distort your reality through things like gaslighting you. They tell you that they haven’t said something that they've said just to get you to question what you think and what you feel. They may ask questions like: Are you really going to do that? Do you really want to do that? Are you sure you want to handle that, Lisa? Well, last time you screwed it up, are you sure people aren't going to make fun of you? Are you sure? That's really what you want to do? They’re going to try to get you to question your reality. When a narcissist is able to get you to question your reality, you don't trust your internal processes, and you become more and more dependent upon the narcissist.

Quality #3 - Your Sense of Reason:

Another quality that a narcissist will look to destroy is your sense of reason.

Logic and reason are essential to good decision making. If we are only emotional, we are reactive. If we are only emotional and we don’t use logic and reason to make decisions, then we will rely on emotional information or emotional stimuli to determine the path that we take in life.

“Our decisions cannot be purely based on emotion; we need logic and reason.”

We need to understand what's right and wrong and figure out where we fit in. How can you decide someone is good for you without the ability to reason? Without the ability to reason, how can you be objective about how you're being treated? Without the ability to reason, how do you know if you're in a relationship that drains you or empowers you?

The last thing a narcissist wants you to do is to use logic and reason when making decisions in your life. What a narcissist wants you to do is feel so insecure, so fractured, and so lacking in confidence in your choices that you make them the centre of your world.

Why? Because this gives them complete control over you.

Quality #4 - Your Sense of Independence:

Another quality a narcissist will seek to destroy is your sense of independence because this is something that actually threatens a narcissist. The ability for you to have your own friends, to think what you think, to make your own money, the ability for you to say no, threatens them.

Independence is how we get through life; learning to be autonomous and think what we think and feel what we feel. Making our own decisions about our career, where we want to spend the holidays, and how we will spend our money. The ability to make these major life decisions will hinge on your ability to maintain a sense of autonomy and independence.

A narcissist will want to destroy your ability to be independent. They will find as many ways as possible to infiltrate your autonomy. This may mean they isolate you, wanting you to move across the country. They may want you to rely completely upon them financially. They may insist that your friends are untrustworthy. They may lie about your friends and suggest that your friends are hitting on them. What's happening in these situations is that the narcissist is doing all that they can to become your everything.

They are cutting you off slowly from the people that you love. They are infiltrating the way you feel about other people; they’re making it almost impossible for you to remain independent. They will rely on things like trauma bonding to secure you as a source of narcissistic supply, while at the same time diminishing your ability to remain independent.

They will take you on wild emotional rollercoaster rides, you will have high highs, but you will also have very low lows. Every time you experience a high, you will become more in fear of the next low, and this is how a narcissist will condition you into obedience and submission.

Quality #5 - Your Ability to Love:

The last quality a narcissist will seek to destroy in you is your ability to love. Once you stop loving yourself, the narcissist pretty much has full reign over you. Once you’ve lost the ability to forgive and have compassion for the self, and you are indebted to the narcissist, then the narcissist is pretty much won.

Your ability to love is the exact opposite energy or resonance of a narcissist. Narcissists don't love in the way that healthy people love. They just can't because, to have an authentic relationship with someone, you have to feel seen, you have to be seen, you have to feel heard, and be heard. You have to have the ability to have empathy for your partner.

Whole Object Constancy means that you have the ability to see this person as a unified being capable of making mistakes, but you also recognize that patterns are very telling and that, if you are in love with someone who has a pattern of minimizing you, then this is probably not going to change without tremendous self-recovery and self-inquiry work which a narcissist is not willing to do.

When we think about love, we understand that love is an encompassing vibration. When you are able to love, and you love yourself, then a narcissist is not able to control you. When you're able to love other people, a narcissist cannot control you. A narcissist wants you to live in fear.

Now fear is the opposite vibration of love. A narcissist wants you to be afraid of what they think; they want you to be afraid of what your family thinks. A narcissist will plant seeds into your mind and have you believing that your parents or your loved ones are saying things about you.
When you refuse to step into fear, you are far less controllable; when you choose to stay in the vibration of love for yourself and other people, then a narcissist cannot control you. You break any type of connection or resonance that you had with a narcissist if you refuse to go into fear.

Narcissists use fear as a tactic to emotionally abuse you and to get you to fall into line; submission is acquired through fear. A narcissist makes you afraid of losing their praise or validation, or they make you afraid and cause you to fear a negative outcome. You walk around on eggshells because you're afraid of their vindictiveness.

Narcissists are also usually very highly paranoid, so they're always expecting the worst from you. You live in fear of a narcissist accusing you of something you're not guilty of. But when you're in fear, you're not in the vibration of love.

The quality that a narcissist will hope to destroy you is your ability to stay in the spirit of love or stay in the energy of love. Their aim will always be to shift you into the energy of fear. You see this everywhere: you see it in the kitchen, you see it in the boardroom, and you see it in society at large. You see it in politics, you see it in governments.

If you can make someone afraid of you, then you have a far greater chance of manipulating them and controlling them, and that is why a narcissist will seek to destroy the sense of love within you and your ability to love rather than to live.

I hope this has been beneficial and empowering to you. I hope that it alleviates some of the questions you may have had about why a narcissist wants so desperately to destroy such amazing, beautiful qualities in you.

“Remember, you have a right to love yourself.”

You have a right to know yourself and the more you know yourself, the more protected you are against narcissists. Namaste, everybody until next time,

If you would like to learn more about the qualities narcissists will seek to destroy in you, watch this video on my YouTube Channel, where I dive into each one.

You can also check out the rest of my website www.lisaaromano.com for some more resources, as well as my 12-Week Breakthrough Program and Codependency Quiz.