College Entrance Exam Scandal and Parental Narcissism
by Lisa A. Romano
May those of us who have been abused in childhood learn to be the strong yet wise parents our children need.
May we NOT be confused between empathy and enmeshment.
May we NOT be confused between support and enabling.
May we NOT be so codependent or narcissistic that we FAIL to see our children as individuals who need to FLEX and DEVELOP their own ability to think and care for themselves.
May we NOT be so worried about what other people think that we coddle our children to the point where they NEVER learn to believe they can make it on their own.
Abused adult children, who have craved validation can transfer their fear of abandonment upon their children and overcompensate by taking care of TOO much for their children or they can be so wounded by their pasts they can depend on their children for a sense of identity and enmesh with them for a sense of self.
Heal yourself--hold yourself accountable--take care of yourself--PROVE to yourself that YOU are enough and then, teach your children to do the same.
When you BELIEVE in YOUR capabilities and you are not CRUSHED by not keeping up with the next door neighbors, you are teaching your children to be SELF ACTUALIZED beings who are unaffected by the opinions and judgments of others to the point where they are paralyzed by the fear of what other people think.
If you are affected by what other people think, by what they have and you don't have, by what they wear and you don't wear, by what they look like compared to what you look like, or by what school their children go to compared to what school your children go to, your children will do the same, feel the same, and never feel enough.
Social media has impacted our society in good and not so good ways. Our children are being raised in a culture of Likes, Posts, Reposts, Photo Filters, Hashtags, Chats, and Instant Messaging. If we as parents are not SUPER aware of the importance of teaching our children to focus on developing the life skills to succeed as well as fail, slowly but surely our so-called civilized society will crumble within a few short generations. What OTHER people think about them on social media can very easily become a child's focus and we must be wise enough to see the consequences that are up ahead.
Parents who have gotten their tails caught up in this College Entrance Scam, may not see or they may not care about how their lying was not about their children--it was about THEM. It was about bragging rights and worrying about what other people thought about THEM as it related to what schools their children participated in.
What a dangerous combination--parents who are afraid of what other people think, who view their children as extensions of themselves coupled with children being born into the age of social media--in addition to the money to do whatever they wanted to do break the rules.
Lions and tigers and bears oh my!
Parents who were willing to step on the heads of deserving others were teaching their children to do the same.
Parents who were stealing their children's right to struggle to find their true selves all the while developing much-needed life and coping skills along the way, in actuality were crippling their children from the inside out.
The message was, "You're not smart enough to get into that school but I can pay someone to lie and make it happen. You could never make it without my money. You must worry about the facade you create on social media. Staying relevant is of the utmost importance. What other people think about you is everything. No, you can not NOT go to this prestigious school. You MUST go because it makes me LOOK GOOD. I get to brag about you at parties and events. They will talk about my children who attend this amazing school and that will make me FEEL good! Lying is fine. It is totally okay that you do not deserve to attend this school. It is totally fine that there are those who have studied endless hours to get in--we can piss on them because we have the money to do so. These people are not as valuable as you or I. Worry not--mommy and daddy will take care of all of this. We know you could never do it on your own anyway."
Parents who saw their children as extensions of themselves--as mirrors of themselves who were unhappy that their children might dare NOT reflect back to them the status they desired--essentially were teaching their children that they were NOT enough.
Parents, be open, be fair, be kind and empathic, supportive, and show an interest in your children's lives, but know that coddling, lying for them, enabling them, and living in fear of them becoming angry at you can do more harm than good.
The more CONFIDENT you are as an adult, the clearer all those lines will be.
May we all clearly SEE the consequences of NOT becoming self-actualized, self-reliant, self-accountable HEALED human beings can have on a society that is being fueled by the ability to feel seen via social media sites.
Narcissistic traits are running amuck. May we all be a little more accountable and aware today.
Blessings--you are enough and so are your children even if they don't always make you look good.
Let them be...let them experiment...let them find themselves while offering support and encouragement along the way.
To thine own self be true and your children will too!
Enjoy this clip by Dr. Drew