When we carry deep emotional wounds, we are far from the warmth, love, and wisdom of our Inner Light. When we experience healing, we move closer to our inner light. We FEEL more integrated, connected, and peaceful. It is as if we have found the window in our soul that had been letting in the frost, and through closing the window, we experience more wholeness. Finally, our energy can grow, expand, and begin to conduct warmth.
Closing the window can represent a boundary of some kind. When we are wounded, our energy is pouring out of us and this impacts mental clarity, hormonal regulation, blood flow, and even our cardiac circuitry. When we are stuck in sympathetic nervous system overload, inflammation occurs in the body and we can experience this inflammation in the form of migraines, rashes, fibromyalgia, arthritis, fertility issues, gastrointestinal problems, and cognitive issues as well.
There was a time when I was convinced that if I did not heal my life, I would die from a chronic, most likely, auto-immune disease. Day by day I grew sicker. From migraine headaches to eczema, to thyroid disease, and a plethora of other health issues, the warning signs were there. The problem was, I was so BLIND, and BELOW THE VEIL of consciousness, DISCONNECTED from my God-Self, I had no clue how to HONOR or LISTEN to my SACRED TEMPLE.
The body is our DIVINE TEMPLE. I don't care how much extra weight you carry around your middle, or how far back your hairline recedes. That is totally irrelevant nonsense when it comes to the ABSOLUTE TRUTH. The absolute truth is LOVE is the POWER you need to ACCESS your ability to TURN your life around AND at any time you can TAP into this MIRACLE POWER too!
When I was sick with asthma and migraines, I still kept begging the ex to listen to me, to sit and talk with me, to please STOP calling me names, to please understand how much I needed for us to be on the same page. My TRUE SELF was locked in a dingy closet somewhere with her mouth gagged while her subconscious, faulty, codependent mind did all the thinking, talking and reacting.
LIONS and TIGERS and BEARS OH MY!
Looking back, I understand that my life was about serving other people, but for all the wrong reasons. I took care of everyone else's needs but my own. I worried myself sick over what my ex ate, how often he drank water at work, and whether or not he had enough clean underwear in his nightstand. I worried about how his brothers treated him at work. I worried about how he felt when they called him a jackass. I worried about him not wearing sunscreen in the hot sun as a construction worker. I worried about how he felt about his father favoring his older brother. I worried that he wore the proper boots to work. I worried that he felt satisfied when he walked into our home at night. I worried that the kids stay quiet when their dad got home from work, all to one day ultimately see clearly, that this man thought nothing about how I felt, about anything at all.
I don't get any extra pats on the back because my fingers were dry from bleaching kitchen floors or because I had dark rings under my eyes, due to the fact that I felt guilty expecting my ex to ever help with a night feeding with one of our children. I don't get any extra kudos because it was me mowing the lawn, washing out the garbage cans, and the one shoveling the snow. I am not the better of the two of us because I was the one food shopping, cooking, cleaning, organizing, doing all the laundry, managing our finances, meeting with doctors, accountants, lawyers and so on.
The truth is, below the surface, I worked my tail off because I hoped in doing so, my ex would validate, appreciate, respect, and love me. Yes, I did love my ex. Yes, I did want to take care of him. Yes, I did want to connect with him and raise a healthy family, and yes, I believed that if I was a good wife, good mother, and took care of everyone else but myself, that he would take care of me in return.
And, when I did not get treated the way I expected him to, I would be reduced to a puddle of frustrated tears. In my mind, because I did all of these things for him, he owed it to me to take care of me and make me feel enough, something I hadn't even learned to do on my own.
Codependency was running my life and I did not even know it.
In all of my doing, I moved further and further from my own DIVINE INNER LIGHT. In all of my people-pleasing, care-taking, rescuing, fixing, and so on, I abandoned my self more and more and unconsciously lived a life waiting to exhale. With every argument, held the hope of the promise of making-up and possibly connecting in a new way. The abuse cycle was never-ending. I lived a life of rinse-recycle-repeat and never even saw the up and down rollercoaster-like patterns for what they were.
When I finally realized I was the problem, I also understood that ONLY through a steady CONSCIOUS PROCESS of SELF-CORRECTION, could I heal the angry codependent I had become. I had to become OBEDIENT to the healing process and FULLY acknowledge what thought, beliefs and actions were downright WRONG and DYSFUNCTIONAL.
I was so blind for so long and it crippled me to realize how I had modeled codependent behavior for my children. I had NOT taught them to honor their own light, set boundaries, make themselves happy, and move about through life from a place of authenticity free from ego-games! Instead, I had modeled a lie! I was not happy. I knew I was not happy and instead of making myself happy, I handed that responsibility over to someone that was even more below the veil than I. And when my ex pissed me off, my gut raged with anger, frustration, and victimhood.
DOUBLE 😑 UGH!
If you are a rational person, and if you take the time to truly appreciate the miracle of dirt, you will discover that below all of your fears there is a universal intelligence alive and well, acting to help this world move along regardless of your woes, aches, and pains. The earth is alive and when you add an acorn to the soil, water it and offer it sunshine, you reap an oak tree. When you take an apple seed and plant it into the soil, water it, and offer it sunshine, you reap an apple tree.
How the hell does that happen?
When you eat a piece of bread or take a vitamin supplement, the infinite intelligence of your body knows exactly what to do. YOUR conscious mind does NOTHING! There is wisdom held within your body that beats your heart, expands your lungs, excretes toxins through urination, excretion, sweating and breathing.
How the hell does that happen?
I hope you are beginning to understand that even when you don't FEEL good about yourself, there is a DIVINE FORCE helping LIFE to keep moving forward AND at any time you can begin tapping into that ABUNDANT LIFE FORCE!
Back when I was severely codependent, if I were a tree, I'd be the odd one reaching towards the shade, avoiding the sun, refusing water and rejecting the minerals in the soil so that the other trees around me could grow tall and strong. My limbs would have been frail and my leaves would have been few.
Today, I am a tree that LOVES the sun. I am a tree that LOVES water. I am a tree that knows that denying myself only adds more misery to the collective energy that resides on planet earth. I do not look to other trees to sustain me. I do not need other trees to validate me. I do not do for others hoping others will do for me.
***Today, I still serve people but from an entirely NEW perspective and understanding.
***Today, from my own LIGHT I share.
***Today, through the DELIBERATE and OBEDIENT service of CORRECTING my thoughts, beliefs, and actions, I have learned to LOVE myself and to HEAL myself.
***Today, I work at raising my own levels of understanding for my own fulfillment and then I offer LOVE to all humanity as well as to all the creations from a full cup I accept I am responsible for replenishing.
***Today, I am beyond grateful I know how to do so and that the POWER to refill my cup is something I can do at any time as long as I stay obedient to the law of LOVE.
***Today, I mind my thoughts, correct them when necessary, forgive the experiences of my life when I did not know what I was doing, and I move forward.
***Today, I commit myself to understand LIFE in ways that cause me to fill with AWE and WONDER.
It Was Not Me--It Was Just My Programming
If you are like me, chances are your subconscious mind was corrupted early. You were not taught that you were born to reach for the sun! You were not taught that you were WORTHY of the ☀️ sun! You may have been taught to live in fear rather than to live in harmony with the infinite intelligence within you and all AROUND YOU!
The mind is a garden and you have the POWER to sow any seed of potential you desire.
Take back your garden.
Take back your seeds.
This is YOUR birthright!
May you reap an abundant harvest always!
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